ask a rov if you could take your meds.

you need them.
if you ever have any question never decide by yourself. call a rov

i once got a heter to take cjalav ackum pills for pain on pesach.

call a rov

Thanks guys.
More health zachen. Going to the doctor soon...
A lot going on, anyway, I’ll leave you with a short quote from one of my more recent poems:

The past

Is now gone

And future

Is a dream

Grasping present

In my hand

For that is

Mine to deem

Sun rays

Travel far

Watch

The lion scream

Author present

Cast the past

I’m only

Lost in dream

2:30AM in bed. Tremendous amount of taiva. I’ve been slipping, touching, seeing not the best.
About to masterbate.
Im in same situation as last night.

Fine guys, I’ll give it a shot. 
I’ll try hard not to give in.
Its just so so difficult.
Especialy after I again gave into the Yetzer and lay on my stomach while having hirhurim etc...

I’m trying to fight back and regain lost territory.
May HaShem Yisborach help me...

gn

Last night I won somehow, bh.
Now, I’m awake with a lot of taiva.
As I type this I’m on my stomach in bed about to masterbate.
It is very very very difficult to pull back, but I will.

I hope you are out of bed by now...

HappyYid wrote on 02 Apr 2021 14:02:

Thanks, yes I’m out bh

I won a hard fight last night.
I won a hard fight this morning.
And I just now lost a hard fight.
I listened to some Kol Isha and masterbated.

Im not motivated. I don’t feel like I want a life of Kedusha.
Obviously I want Kedusha, but with depression creeping in and other health problems I’m just down and this feels good.
Its a drug.
Im embarrassed to be seen in public by anyone because my health thing made me gain a lot of weight. And I just feel bad.
And my home isn’t the biggest makom aliya...

But still, I know I could be matzliach.
The problem is that I don’t want it.
Im not driven, like in the past, by a singular unyielding ratzon.

That, in my mind is the problem.

Whats the solution?
I’m not exactly sure. I think it would be beneficial for me to meet up with some GYE chevra before returning to Yeshiva, so I’ll look into that. 
I can make contracts etc but the problem is that I lost my drive. Maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s the Yetzer Hara? Both? Not sure.

YeshivaGuy - I can't really think of any advice, but I can tell you that when I was reading through your latest posts, this burning feeling felt so familiar, as if I was looking at myself, in my darkest times. I can't even imagine how hard it must be when this struggle is being multiplied by depression.
But let me tell you what else I saw.
You are beaten to the ground, no questions about that. And yet - eventually you are standing up. Every time. You have this gem in you, this... pure will to fight back... Your deepest desire to resist... No matter how hard you are thrown... Despite everything that is happening. Let me tell you this - it is outstanding! You may not be feeling it right now. It may be frozen, waiting to be reignited. But it is there. Very, very deep, way below this storm on the surface.
Remember this: the dark night will eventually end. The day will come. Hang on, brother. I'm praying for you.

You know what they say- two steps forward, one step back. But you're still on the right track.
Also regarding the music, what I found helped me is focus on not listening l'kavod sefira rather than not listening to kol isha; then it's almost like not watching porn because it's shabbos vs not doing it because it's porn. 

I definitely can relate to the lack of motivation. My YH is working around the clock to convince me that masturbation isn't that bad. 

Also, I don't think it's either depression or the YH, I think they feed off one another. 

I hope this bumbling shtus made an iota of sense
Much Hatzlocha!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 02 Apr 2021 16:19:

I’ll just remind you what the בעל התניא says about depress several times-that depression is synonymous with the יצר הרע/סטרא אחרא.

I’m not saying that that’s all there is too it. One must take medication and go to therapy if the depression is debilitating. You can’t fight it alone. But the underlying negative attitudes always stem from the distorted view of the גוף ונפש הבהמית.
Try to add in שמחה. That could be through doing things that make you feel good באופן המותר. It could be through learning. Doing something nice for a sibling or a parent. These things help fill you with optimism and help you break out of the negative narratives playing incessantly in you head.

I’m disgusted with myself.
I have no strength to say what I did.
Ill try reversing it but idk if I have the strength.
I am hopeless and lost.
I see no way out.

I wish you all well

YeshivaGuy,

לבי כואב בצעריך

I would echo OivedElokim's sentiment; perhaps your "success measuring stick" for the time being should be neither cleanliness nor learning. Maybe you can find sipuk and joy by working on your kesher with family members, etc...

Perhaps a fresh approach to simcha (devoid of assumptions from the past) can help you start anew.

Just a thought, my dear friend.

Going into Yom Tov with a heavy heart in Grodno ~ IMG

I don't have anything to say to make you feel better, but עמו אנוכי בצרה. I too am not proud of myself. Bein hazmanim coupled with pressures of yom tov, especially in your situation of having a home and general environment not conducive to kedusha just did us both in. 

We cannot create a new beginning but we can make a different ending. (I saw this somewhere on GYE).

It's hard. It's hell. It's gruesome hell. And worse. I know. 

YeshivaGuy whatever you do please dont touch porn. I know you never did, and the damage it does is unimaginable, not beruchnius, but bgashmiyus, so please please dont go there...

Sapy wrote on 02 Apr 2021 22:20:

It’s hard to know what porn is. Still bh haven’t been on porn site. I’ve only been on YouTube. Not sure that’s such an accomplishment...