Wow so I leave for a bit and now the entire site looks all groovy and retro.

I won’t discuss the past, what I will discuss is the present.

Camp is great. I’m in charge, running the program, the director trusts me to listen to what I say to do with scheduling etc.
The kids aren’t frum so it’s a great opportunity etc etc etc bh.

Problem, I was told that the girls camp was totally separate.
It’s not, at least not for me who needs to daily interact with the girl head counselors with stuff.
And yes, I spend a lot of time daily staring at girls skirts.

Main issue is the secretary, I am very attracted to her. We have similar humor so we’ve been engaged in constant sarcastic banter etc.
Whats difficult is she’s not frum, ik she’d do stuff, her skirt is thigh high and tight etc and it’s all I’m looking at when I gotta go to the office for something.
I looked up her Tik Tok which made me go even more crazy, knowing what she can do.
And a friend of mine told me (in a dif context) that he matched with her on tinder once….

I took the job cuz I was told it was totally separate like with two completely different campuses which isn’t the case on the ground…

What I’m saying is that I’m getting female attention which I crave and it’s consuming me.
I am driven to grow this summer. I want to change and make a change in the lives of these kids, but idk.

Also this secretary isn’t here this week, is back for two weeks, and then gone the last 3 weeks which sucks.
I guess my soul is glad about that but it’s a bummer…

Idk what to tell you guys.
Along with all this is the pressure of dealing with parents upset about counselors screwing up and the director complaining to Me about it.

Im trying to at the same time to not be fat and deal with a camp that’s unorganized and does everything last minute (and when I try doing things earlier I’m ghosted until the last second).

YeshivaGuy wrote on 05 Jul 2022 05:22:


YG you sound like you’d make a great Camp Director!!!

Markz wrote on 05 Jul 2022 13:31:

Maybe you can have General Grant lead one of the teams for Color War. And for the other team, General (Frank.)Lee.

Hey guys
I am clueless on what to say. 
Idk I’m confused just so so confused and reluctant to speak to anyone about it…
Could masterbate etc to numb this inner turmoil but that’s stupid

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Jul 2022 00:11:

There must be someone in your life (no - not the secretary…) that’s safe to share whatever is going on with you and that will accept you unconditionally. 
I can’t believe you don’t have that!

Markz wrote on 21 Jul 2022 02:41:

unfortunately, some people do not have that person in their life that will accept them unconditionally.  That adds to the pain.  However, there are people on this site that will speak on the phone and that is a good start...

Vehkam wrote on 21 Jul 2022 02:48:

Thanks, I guess I have such ppl but always open to new ones.
Ive been so so busy that I haven’t been thinking, the exact thing the Mesilas Yesharim says NOT to do.
Im scared to think because I don’t want to face myself and my feelings.
Im embarrassed to open up right now and I don’t think I should be accepted unconditionally.
I don’t think I deserve that. 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Jul 2022 03:20:

anyone who is trying to work on overcoming their yetzer hara should be accepted unconditionally.  you don't have to "deserve" it.  You should not be judging yourself either.   there is only one judge in the world - that is the ribono shel olam and he already knows all your secrets and he loves you anyway.....