YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Sep 2020 21:41:

You were on a Zoom meeting and did not follow regulations requiring to wear a mask?

Ok guys here’s the story, I’ll be Breif cuz it’s late and I’d like to make shachris tomorrow..

First day R”h: Was awesome bh in many ways, cried during zichronos and shofros, was bsimcha from malchus HaShem etc....but who cares about the positive right?

second day: Pretty shver. No kavana, felt very nonchalant etc.
i lay down for a miny rest towards the end of Yom Tov: And though was lying on my side etc and no bad thoughts- zera starting pouring out, it stunk. 
So I woke up wet and annoyed. And then I lean to my left and crush my glasses which I had left next to me!
So I had slept through the last mincha of Rosh hashana, wake up wet from zera, and then crush my glasses. Pretty shver matzav

I felt my avoda at that time was just not to get angry. And I think I did, Baruch HaShem, a pretty good job.

So I davend mincha in my room and shmuze with a close friend about this stuff etc.

Now, I’ll skip details and cut to the chase.
At like 12:00am that night I got an app downloaded where I can chat to random strangers around the world. Usually to girls but also to a lot of men as well.
Not really sexual, just shmuzing about Christianity, Islam etc or politics in their diff countries (I’m interested in the hack and I’m a shtikl holding). Like last night I debated this guy in Mexico about Judaism and “shlugged up” his raayas that yushka is moshiach...
Anyway, I did that from 12:00-6:30am...
I put down my phone when my roommates went to shachris...
I felt horrible.
I then slept until like 2:30pm. Missed Seder and shiur and mincha (obviously also shachris). 
I then used the app more- shmuzed with a bunch of Arabs in Egypt, Iraq, Oman, Indonesia etc, until like 5:30...
I then decided to “give real life a shot” so took a shower but still felt gross.
finnaly deleted the app.
Texted a close friend that I had probs.
He came downstairs, we shmuzed and he gave me chizuk, told me my life and year isn’t over and that I’m not so so horrible (though that’s debatable). And convinced me to go to Maariv.

So I went to maariv!
Then went to get ice cream with some friends and then dougies, which was geshmak-made me feel pretty good.
I couldn’t really taste much which made me worried about having coronavirus, but I can’t handle that right now
Anyway, here I am folks!
Im gonna say I’m still clean, even though I prob  touched my ever for a sec last night, I’m not gonna count that cuz it was all one crazy shver matzav. So as far as I’m concerned I’m still relatively clean.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be better. And hopefully GD sees this and will see that I wanna change and just need some help.

Thanks y’all!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 22 Sep 2020 06:17:

He sure does! It might be all he sees.

You are a real chizzuk to have that resolve. You also show what "knei l'cha chaver" really means.

Keep it up!

So to sum it up, 24 hours of the new year, including a couple of hours on Rosh Hashana spiraled out of control through no fault of your own. 

Terrible, right? 

We have another 350 days this year. 
I don't think I ever had the entire aseres yemei teshuva clean in my life. Since I was about 10.

You ended your post on a very positive note. 

YshivaGuy, we, more than anyone, know what strong stuff you're made of. 
You have proven yourself time and again, that the yetzer yora does not control you. 
He tries. He doesn't give up. And what he did to you was a very sly and underhand move. 
But within a day you had caught yourself, brushed yourself up and confided your story. 

Halevei I would have your strength! 

We have a whole year ahead of us! 
Don't dwell on this too much. 

Just keep it pumping and keep on inspiring! 
We need you too much to lose you with one bad day

Looking up to you, 
Starting 

YeshivaGuy - Don't worry about it.  We all will have bad days.  That's what makes us appreciates the really good ones, when they occur.  As others have noted, you are doing incredible things and are a real inspiration to the rest of us.  You mentioned that you had a great first day R'H.  Just focus on that instead.  Many people dont even get to experience one good day of R'H.

​From your post, it sounded like things really spiraled out of control when you downloaded that app on your phone.  What can you do to prevent something like this from happening in the future?  Remember, our best teachers are the mistakes we learn from.  If you can take this experience and make changes to improve your self, then I dare say that maybe the second day of R'H will have been the more successful one.

Wait, so you had a nice long sleep, shlogged up a stranger about Christianity, and then got ice cream? I call that a win...

But seriously, we love you dude. I don't know if I agree entirely with Dave (sorry!) I very honestly won't be surprised if in shomayim they find your second day Rosh Hashona to be far more worthwhile than the first. Every time its difficult, we accomplish so much more. Don't pretend it never happened. Cherish the small victories that occurred then, your lack of anger, your going to maariv. I'm not saying you need to feel like you succeeded, but don't feel like a total failure either. Don't ignore it, learn from it. That having been said, I agree with him you shouldn't dwell too much on it. Take what you can, learn what you can, and go viter.

Best advice is to block that app if you can, put a smile on your face, and have a great new day.

Dave M wrote on 22 Sep 2020 13:37:

So I think big prob is that I got access a lot to my iPhone and I can just get my roommate to put in the code whenever...
After succos im switching back to my kosher phone and will keep this iPhone in my car, so that will bezras Hashem help alot

Hey guys,
So I was hoping to get back to the Bais Medrash and shteig-getting past everything and start anew.
But instead, I started loosing my taste so I got corona test and gotta quarantine for a couple of days until I get the results.
I feel like no matter what I’m doomed to fail, like HaShem doesn’t want me back in the Bais medrash.
I don’t know what to do to get out of this mess.
Though maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem... Doubtful.
See ya

Yeshiva Guy, i read your post and thought about it for a while, and came out with the following conclusion. You are a hero. Plain and simple. You are a hero.

1. The Satan tried to demoralize you with a wet dream on Rosh Hashana. If that would have happened to me when i was in my first two weeks of being clean, i would have thrown in the towel and said Hashem hates me and rejects me and then i would have masturbated a few times. You didn't do that buddy. You stayed clean.

2. You tried to escape your pain by getting hooked on a chat app, and again, despite exhausting yourself, you steered clear of sex chats and similar triggering chats that me and many other guys here would have used to cause the release - talking into ourselves that it's ok because we didn't touch. You didn't do that buddy. You stayed clean.

3. You were still depressed from the whole matzav and missed seder and some tefillos. For me the perfectionist, that would have been the final straw proving that i am a massive loser. The automatic response? To act out multiple times with a vengeance. You didn't do that buddy. You stayed clean.

4. You touched the eiver for a second and stopped!!! Was i ever able to touch and not finish? Never! But you didn't do that buddy. You stayed clean (even from touching!)


Is it ok that you escaped with that app or that you missed seder and davening? Of course not. But what does Hashem want now? To wallow in the mud? Of course not! He wants you to rectify all this by moving on. Vidui you did here on the forum. Charata came through loud and clear. So do the kabala al ha'asid by being shtark in the areas you were not so careful. Daven with minyan, go to seder, and get back to your kosher phone. But I think Hashem also wants you to celebrate staying clean - you did not go onto autopilot and turn to your default escape setting of acting out - that is incredible. Obviously as you break free you will learn better coping mechanisms, so iyh in the future you will not resort to self destructive behaviors when disappointed in yourself or the matzav, but where you are today is way better than i would have been in your shoes. So Yeshiva Guy a.k.a. Hero, go enjoy some more ice cream or dougies!!  

@Yeshivaguy, you are so awesome I upped your karma.

Don't give up, take whatever Hashem gives you at the moment and don't think about the past. Where Hashem puts you that moment is how Hashem wants you to serve him.

It's hard when we make plans to be great, only to have them not work out by some uncontrollable circumstance. Just know, the more out of our control it is the easier it is to see that it's from Hashem.

Keep inspiring! You are holding up the world (and me too)!

Wilnevergiveup

YeshivaGuy wrote on 23 Sep 2020 04:20:

“After succot” is years from now...

What about today?

Since you love a debate, I challenge you to get on the Phone (the kosher one :-) and debate with me or any one of the guys here on gye. There’s so many you can choose from. Send a PM to connect and keep us posted!

Markz wrote on 23 Sep 2020 11:46:

you’re the best.
I left my kosher phone at home...
But we can “debate” about whatever y’all want, just give me the topic!
So nice of you to keep me honest, I genuinely appreciate it.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 23 Sep 2020 20:10:

The topic we will be debating today is “Kid Speed” - i.e. how long it takes for a YeshivaGuy to get on the phone and have a chat with Dov :-)

Do u think there’s a particular reason I should speak to him on the phone?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 23 Sep 2020 22:50:

If you’re looking for someone to chat about messiah, islam, girls, and a tried and tested way to get out of lust rut, he’s a good candidate and there are others here too.

Again only when you’re ready up for the challenge.

Until then you’ll have to be your own boss to make sure the Apple doesn’t take another bite out of you...