anonymousmillenial wrote on 02 Dec 2020 18:21:

A great point actually! When I wrote " I appreciate what you are pointing out ", I really meant it. It's a very helpful point. It may be hard to implement sometimes but it definitely can bend a warped perspective back into shape. Thanks! 

Really in a hard place the past few days. I did break the record of my longest streak since joining. But due to circumstances, beyond my control I'm struggling immensely. Not so concerned that I'll actually fall, (thank you Gentech!!!) but seriously in pain. Mentally as well as physically. How do i get my mind to stop reminding me?!?

Attention my mind: "I KNOW AND I DON'T CARE!!!!"

Just thought I'd share.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Perhaps if you shared with us the cause and nature of your pain we may be able to offer eitza?

With love,

YeshivaGuy

Grant400 wrote on 09 Dec 2020 00:02:

Sorry to hear. 

When people are confronted with a difficult situation, they will either

1. Fight. 
2. Flight (or drug out the situation)
3. Fawn (stay passive)

Which one do you use to deal with Lust / or the pressures of life. 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 09 Dec 2020 00:04:

I'm not sure if I should. It's more of a topic fitting for the BB forum. It doesn't really make a difference. Just an huge increase in urges.

Markz wrote on 09 Dec 2020 01:11:

Either fight or fawn. Depending on which is more logical. Why?

Grant400 wrote on 09 Dec 2020 01:58:

Well, is that helping you in the long “run”

Grant400 wrote on 09 Dec 2020 01:58:

Generals usually fight. Unless they are trying to be nominated for SecDef, then they fawn. 

Shalom Grant,
Mazal Tov on your achievement to get to 58 DAYS Baruch Hashem! Kein ayna hora! I pray that this trouble should pass shortly and that you will be tantsing on the other side besimcha sheleima! 
Kol Hakavod Chabibi,
Love Misgaber

Dear Grant,
​You may appreciate this link about Movies  www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Tips/Movies.asp 

A freilechen Chanuka,
Excellence

and this
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Images/leshem-pirud.pdf

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Time/KosherMovies.asp

excellence wrote on 10 Dec 2020 19:01:

Thanks for thinking of me, but unfortunately (fortunately?) I can't open links as I don't have a  browser. 

Wow! I think ur amazing. It was worth it to hear this alone!
Sure there are many others who lurk around here that can benefit from these links too!

Recently I've had an extreme uptick in urges and desires. They completely overtake me mentally and physically.

I'm not terribly concerned about falling, the way I feel now, because I'm using the methods I've found helpful, but it sure does hurt like hell! Hopefully nothing changes for the worse because than I might be in some serious trouble.

Last night I was exploding again, Hashem reminded me that after last fall I wrote a letter to myself in my thread, detailing how I felt and explaining why I shouldn't be so tempted. I went and read through that part of my thread and It b"h completely doused the fire raging within me with a splash of ice cold water.

So, I got a reprieve last night but it's not always like that. I've learned that we can try all our tricks, sometimes they work sometimes they don't. But as long as we know that no matter how excruciatingly enticing, or how painfully intoxicating it seems, it's a myth and a complete fabrication and we can accept the caged beast and realize it's not something we need pay any heed to.

I know I've suffered so much lately from not giving in to my desire, I experienced such physical and mental anguish. But I know that if I would give in, after a few fleeting moments of drinking joyfully from the forbidden waters, I will suffer many more times the pain, laden with feelings of guilt and dishonesty, wallowing in being undisciplined and morally deficient. I would need to restart my trek from the deepest depths of depravity and selfishness towards an island of humanity and sanity yet again.

So why go through all of that if I'm already sitting on top of that mountain? I was already blessed with the clarity of vision and education of past mistakes. I can't con myself into forgetting all that I've learned. For if I do, what better am I than a beast in the jungle?

So will I take a sip of these salty waters, to quench my thirst and to wet my parched throat? I think not. That would only be a fools journey of shortlived indulgence and self gratification, with a devastating effect and debilitating consequences.

Today I will think for myself, for if not, there is no me. I will not let the lowest pieces of refuse, masquerading as humans, decide my fate. I will not allow the animal in me to reign supreme! I will not answer my instincts every beck and call. I am not subservient to dishonesty and foolishness.

Why am I sharing this? Because I needed to think about this, and write it, and read it again from time to time. I want to document all the lows and highs of my journey for reference at a later date when needed. Just like I did last night. Maybe reading this will help others too, but that wasn't my primary objective. I'm not here to preach, but rather to learn.

Here's to hoping these feelings will last and pull me through these trying times.

                                   Grant

P.S. All said and done, without you guys and this forum I don't think I would still be clicking "still clean". It's thanks to all of you who share your own experiences and inspire all of us to be the best we can be. Thank you guys!

I was just looking through some books, and one book in particular caught my attention. I looked at it and realized that it's probably not the most kosher book to put it mildly, but I wrongfully glanced at it anyway and browsed through the pages.



It was indeed not clean (just the writing and topics,  no pics chas"vsh), and although it is not something that can always be prevented when reading books, I'd like to publicly accept to try my best not to read such literature (that is about sexuality in an unclean manner). If I do glance at a book with such intent specifically, from now on I'm going to have to restart my count.



Although it doesn't seem that bad, and indeed it doesn't supply an effect like visual stimulation, it's still indulging the lust in me.



I'm posting this to hold myself accountable.