will do. want to shmuz w someone?

you want to call me, ill speak anytime.

Grant400 wrote on 31 Mar 2021 23:27:

I don't know when this was posted exactly.... We feel your pain,brother! Stay strong as we really need you as a role model. Not just saying that. You didn't elaborate much on the issue so can't really comment on it,but please remember that you do have the ability to get through this!
I also had a moment of weakness yesterday. I convinced myself that I really deserve and need some of my old garbage to view and watch and relax for a while. I was able to work through it by telling myself that it is true that I deserve it,however perhaps after the challenging day I had ,I also deserve to eat my favorite pretzels(for those viewing this at a later date it is Pesach now).I decided I have to view the garbage as Chametz. Just like I wouldn't dream of grabbing a bag of pretzels because I am really craving it,the same applies to this. BH that worked wonders!Hatzlocha,
Achecha,
Lou

Dear grant,
How are you doing?

Thank you all for the chizuk, offers and concern. BH I'm clean. But yesterday was gruesome. The 3 day yom tov was hard but hands are always tied then so it makes it easier. Yesterday was a build up. I refused to give in. What will today bring? I hope a lessening of urges and a refreshment in understanding the true toxicity of giving in and being a swine. I know that eventually I will feel different. Just gotta wait till then. I will update iyh.

Was looking at technically ok stuff. Mixed in were not good stuff. Sort of quickly swiped past it but should've not started, or at least stopped right away when I saw it. Unfortunately it took me a few minutes. Didn't focus on the bad stuff really but it isn't something I want. I added the "ok" stuff to my taphsic. 

Here is what I'm thinking. Technically according to my rules, I can still click I'm still clean. Here's the catch, until recently I have been pristine. In all areas. Last week, after what happened although I didn't judge it as a fall, it ruined that. For me most of my streak, it wasn't a day-to-day battle. I had a concept in my head I do not do this at all. This remove the battle from being a reality almost like keeping Sabbath. Now after having expose myself to improper images, it whet my appetite on a practical level and made it a minute by minute battle. I've been white knuckling ever since and emailing my Filter Company to keep deleting apps and removing sites.. Unfortunately today I tried to have them remive a site, but they couldn't do it even though I requested it twice. That was the site mentioned above.

As I posted above I was looking at okay things, although between me and you it was stupid of me, and I saw terrible images mixed in. What I feel I need to do is completely restart my count. Although technically according to the rules I didn't have a fall, according to where I was hoping to be I had a fall.

It seems to me that the only way to continue living life is by starting over fresh. A brand new start of being clean in all areas. No more half-measures and excuses about certain things falling on their permitted categories. From now on I restart my account without using it as an excuse to get my fill. My fill is only of kedusha and loyalty to my religion, family and most of all my wife.

I want to hit "rock bottom" while still "on top". I pray this helps. The urges are tremendous. I hope I will make it to Yom Tov clean, and after starting a few day streak it will go back to the way it was. Not constantly on my mind.

Goodbye 172.

Ah gut yom tov!

Grant400 wrote on 02 Apr 2021 19:48:

Hi Grant 
Sorry but I disagree with Goodbye 172
Your clean days are yours to keep for ever! 
The counting is not like sefiras haomer... It's just a tool to help us grow, but Hashem has a different counting tool... (getting up after the falls, is the greatest form of teshuva and it erases the falls) the clean days count just keeps on accumulating.  (this is based on the teaching of sefer tomer devorah) 
Please continue to keep us inspired!

Where is Grant??????

Hey guys just a quick update. I had a shaky period recently. I acted out. Fought my way back up B"H. Thanks to many people, especially HHM and Sapy, I feel like I'm on safer ground now. Let's roll!

I think I might pass out from sheer desire. My head is pounding.

I've read in a few places that urges only last a few minutes, at most up to 20 minutes. Not by me. It can last for days with incredible physical symptoms.

How much longer am I expected to hold out?!?

Grant400 wrote on 29 Jun 2021 00:20:

1 more minute 

Markz wrote on 29 Jun 2021 00:46:

It's not even desire to act out that is driving me. It's just that I can't bear the pain of not acting out anymore. 

It's only a matter of time...

I wish I had some way I could help...
Stay strong. 
If speaking to someone would help I’m available. Pm me for my number.

Grant400 wrote on 29 Jun 2021 00:47:

Ok, so people fall...
Then they get up and make resolutions. 

What would yours be loo/lee yetzooyer/yetzeer you’d fall?

Meanwhile while you’re thinking about this, please PM me