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TOPIC: My Journey 464 Views
My Journey 25 May 2020 02:05 #350297
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Was touched by classmate in 8th grade started doing the same to others usually when they were sleeping over a few years till 11th grade. Felt awful. Attempted suicide in 10th grade. Hashem saved me. I had reacurring thoughts that perhaps I was Mashiach & that was the source of my pain as chazal say mashiach suffers for the sins of klal yisroel. Still struggling. B"H married to wonderful wife & I am currently seeing a great therapist. Though it's really hard. I'm a shell of my former self. I used to be such a perfectionist both in my avodas hashem & in everything else. Today I barley get myself to daven or learn. I wrote an extremely long version be4 but lost my draft & no longer have the patience or energy to rewrite it & I prob. wrote too much in that one anyway
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https://gye.vids.io/videos/449bddb01313e7cfcd/are-you-ready-to-win :יהודה בן תימא אומר הוי עז כנמר וקל כנשר ורץ כצבי וגבור כארי ! לעשות רצון אביך שבשמים I NEED YOU!!! I'm flying in the darkest of dark in the storm of all storms please light my way! Help me rise above temptation & come closer to you! I need YOU like nothing else & only you! Only connecting with you will fill my souls yearning, for all else is peasant food for the prince, saltwater for the thirsty! Please help me overcome the distractions, obstructions & fearsome illusions, I know it's you hiding behind the terrifying smokescreen, testing, awaiting, patiently, with endless love, one greater than the capacity of my imagination. You are eternal, I don't exist, bring me close, to cleave to you, so that I can too last forever by returning to you. Bring us home, to the land of our soul, and rid the universe of all evil, which is simply the "absence" of you, so that we can feel & see you clearly, Ki Bayin U'vayin Yiru, B'shuv Hashem L'Tziyon! |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 02:11 #350298
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Swift Eagle wrote on 25 May 2020 02:05:
Was touched by classmate in 8th grade started doing the same to others usually when they were sleeping over a few years till 11th grade. Felt awful. Attempted suicide in 10th grade. Hashem saved me. I had reacurring thoughts that perhaps I was Mashiach & that was the source of my pain as chazal say mashiach suffers for the sins of klal yisroel. Still struggling. B"H married to wonderful wife & I am currently seeing a great therapist. Though it's really hard. I'm a shell of my former self. I used to be such a perfectionist both in my avodas hashem & in everything else. Today I barley get myself to daven or learn. I wrote an extremely long version be4 but lost my draft & no longer have the patience or energy to rewrite it & I prob. wrote too much in that one anyway Hey you wrote more than enough. We welcome you to the club with open hands / wings!!! |
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My Story---------Dov Quotes
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 04:24 #350310
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Swift Eagle wrote on 25 May 2020 02:05:
Was touched by classmate in 8th grade started doing the same to others usually when they were sleeping over a few years till 11th grade. Felt awful. Attempted suicide in 10th grade. Hashem saved me. I had reacurring thoughts that perhaps I was Mashiach & that was the source of my pain as chazal say mashiach suffers for the sins of klal yisroel. Still struggling. B"H married to wonderful wife & I am currently seeing a great therapist. Though it's really hard. I'm a shell of my former self. I used to be such a perfectionist both in my avodas hashem & in everything else. Today I barley get myself to daven or learn. I wrote an extremely long version be4 but lost my draft & no longer have the patience or energy to rewrite it & I prob. wrote too much in that one anyway I hold my breath every time I try to submit a long post. Wow, what a story, I can't believe you worked through all of that, and still continued to be as strong as you are now. Getting married, having kids... There is nothing more beautiful than that. Ill tell all you the truth, I have gone through my own gehenom, and even though mine was different than yours, as humans, as Jews, we can all come together and say we struggled to get where we are. It's funny you say how you used to be a perfectionist, and now your not and upset about it. One extreme always go to the next. From intense davening and learning, to a dry desert, and then eventually working our way so,ethereal back to a safe spot in the middle... Seems like you'll get there soon in my opinion. Davening... Learning... Stop comparing you to your old self, do the day, one moment at a time. And Keep doing whatever your doing, cause it seems to be working. |
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"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"
Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works  MY Forum |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 05:20 #350318
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"You will never be entirely comfortable. This is the truth behind the champion – he is always fighting something. To do otherwise is to settle."
Battle on, and I always take advice. |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 13:37 #350331
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Swift Eagle wrote on 25 May 2020 02:05:
Was touched by classmate in 8th grade started doing the same to others usually when they were sleeping over a few years till 11th grade. Felt awful. Attempted suicide in 10th grade. Hashem saved me. I had reacurring thoughts that perhaps I was Mashiach & that was the source of my pain as chazal say mashiach suffers for the sins of klal yisroel. Still struggling. B"H married to wonderful wife & I am currently seeing a great therapist. Though it's really hard. I'm a shell of my former self. I used to be such a perfectionist both in my avodas hashem & in everything else. Today I barley get myself to daven or learn. I wrote an extremely long version be4 but lost my draft & no longer have the patience or energy to rewrite it & I prob. wrote too much in that one anyway Welcome! what an honor to have you as part of our great GYE family. Yes, I can feel that between the lines of what you did write there is much more that was not written... You've displayed amazing courage by coming here to share your life and start a great journey to recovery. Please feel yourself at home and with the help of Hashem you'll have a great bright future ahead. |
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"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @ ahavayirah@gmail.com |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 14:30 #350338
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Thank you yosef10, your words were a consolation & energizing.
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https://gye.vids.io/videos/449bddb01313e7cfcd/are-you-ready-to-win :יהודה בן תימא אומר הוי עז כנמר וקל כנשר ורץ כצבי וגבור כארי ! לעשות רצון אביך שבשמים I NEED YOU!!! I'm flying in the darkest of dark in the storm of all storms please light my way! Help me rise above temptation & come closer to you! I need YOU like nothing else & only you! Only connecting with you will fill my souls yearning, for all else is peasant food for the prince, saltwater for the thirsty! Please help me overcome the distractions, obstructions & fearsome illusions, I know it's you hiding behind the terrifying smokescreen, testing, awaiting, patiently, with endless love, one greater than the capacity of my imagination. You are eternal, I don't exist, bring me close, to cleave to you, so that I can too last forever by returning to you. Bring us home, to the land of our soul, and rid the universe of all evil, which is simply the "absence" of you, so that we can feel & see you clearly, Ki Bayin U'vayin Yiru, B'shuv Hashem L'Tziyon! |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 14:33 #350339
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Thank you battle -of-the-gen for your kind words & encouragement
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https://gye.vids.io/videos/449bddb01313e7cfcd/are-you-ready-to-win :יהודה בן תימא אומר הוי עז כנמר וקל כנשר ורץ כצבי וגבור כארי ! לעשות רצון אביך שבשמים I NEED YOU!!! I'm flying in the darkest of dark in the storm of all storms please light my way! Help me rise above temptation & come closer to you! I need YOU like nothing else & only you! Only connecting with you will fill my souls yearning, for all else is peasant food for the prince, saltwater for the thirsty! Please help me overcome the distractions, obstructions & fearsome illusions, I know it's you hiding behind the terrifying smokescreen, testing, awaiting, patiently, with endless love, one greater than the capacity of my imagination. You are eternal, I don't exist, bring me close, to cleave to you, so that I can too last forever by returning to you. Bring us home, to the land of our soul, and rid the universe of all evil, which is simply the "absence" of you, so that we can feel & see you clearly, Ki Bayin U'vayin Yiru, B'shuv Hashem L'Tziyon! |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 14:35 #350340
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Thank you DavidT, it's amazing what opening up to others & a few kind words of chizuk in reply can do to lift one up
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https://gye.vids.io/videos/449bddb01313e7cfcd/are-you-ready-to-win :יהודה בן תימא אומר הוי עז כנמר וקל כנשר ורץ כצבי וגבור כארי ! לעשות רצון אביך שבשמים I NEED YOU!!! I'm flying in the darkest of dark in the storm of all storms please light my way! Help me rise above temptation & come closer to you! I need YOU like nothing else & only you! Only connecting with you will fill my souls yearning, for all else is peasant food for the prince, saltwater for the thirsty! Please help me overcome the distractions, obstructions & fearsome illusions, I know it's you hiding behind the terrifying smokescreen, testing, awaiting, patiently, with endless love, one greater than the capacity of my imagination. You are eternal, I don't exist, bring me close, to cleave to you, so that I can too last forever by returning to you. Bring us home, to the land of our soul, and rid the universe of all evil, which is simply the "absence" of you, so that we can feel & see you clearly, Ki Bayin U'vayin Yiru, B'shuv Hashem L'Tziyon! |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 14:40 #350341
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Hi Markz, Yeah I originally started with all background related to my struggle from when I was born, was about 20 times longer than my actual post with way more detail
Thank you for the warm welcome!
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https://gye.vids.io/videos/449bddb01313e7cfcd/are-you-ready-to-win :יהודה בן תימא אומר הוי עז כנמר וקל כנשר ורץ כצבי וגבור כארי ! לעשות רצון אביך שבשמים I NEED YOU!!! I'm flying in the darkest of dark in the storm of all storms please light my way! Help me rise above temptation & come closer to you! I need YOU like nothing else & only you! Only connecting with you will fill my souls yearning, for all else is peasant food for the prince, saltwater for the thirsty! Please help me overcome the distractions, obstructions & fearsome illusions, I know it's you hiding behind the terrifying smokescreen, testing, awaiting, patiently, with endless love, one greater than the capacity of my imagination. You are eternal, I don't exist, bring me close, to cleave to you, so that I can too last forever by returning to you. Bring us home, to the land of our soul, and rid the universe of all evil, which is simply the "absence" of you, so that we can feel & see you clearly, Ki Bayin U'vayin Yiru, B'shuv Hashem L'Tziyon! |
Re: My Journey 25 May 2020 16:55 #350353
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Keep us posted, were here waiting to hold you up and watch you success.
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"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"
Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works MY Forum |
Re: My Journey 26 May 2020 00:07 #350371
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yosef10 wrote on 25 May 2020 04:24:
Swift Eagle wrote on 25 May 2020 02:05: Was touched by classmate in 8th grade started doing the same to others usually when they were sleeping over a few years till 11th grade. Felt awful. Attempted suicide in 10th grade. Hashem saved me. I had reacurring thoughts that perhaps I was Mashiach & that was the source of my pain as chazal say mashiach suffers for the sins of klal yisroel. Still struggling. B"H married to wonderful wife & I am currently seeing a great therapist. Though it's really hard. I'm a shell of my former self. I used to be such a perfectionist both in my avodas hashem & in everything else. Today I barley get myself to daven or learn. I wrote an extremely long version be4 but lost my draft & no longer have the patience or energy to rewrite it & I prob. wrote too much in that one anyway I hold my breath every time I try to submit a long post. Wow, what a story, I can't believe you worked through all of that, and still continued to be as strong as you are now. Getting married, having kids... There is nothing more beautiful than that. Ill tell all you the truth, I have gone through my own gehenom, and even though mine was different than yours, as humans, as Jews, we can all come together and say we struggled to get where we are. It's funny you say how you used to be a perfectionist, and now your not and upset about it. One extreme always go to the next. From intense davening and learning, to a dry desert, and then eventually working our way so,ethereal back to a safe spot in the middle... Seems like you'll get there soon in my opinion. Davening... Learning... Stop comparing you to your old self, do the day, one moment at a time. And Keep doing whatever your doing, cause it seems to be working. Stop comparing yourself to your old self. I spent many years struggling with that. If you want to discuss or you really struggle with this, past further, to me it was a big weight, and when I was able to (mostly) let go, it was very helpful. |
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My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)
My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection |
Re: My Journey 26 May 2020 00:07 #350372
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yosef10 wrote on 25 May 2020 04:24:
Swift Eagle wrote on 25 May 2020 02:05: Was touched by classmate in 8th grade started doing the same to others usually when they were sleeping over a few years till 11th grade. Felt awful. Attempted suicide in 10th grade. Hashem saved me. I had reacurring thoughts that perhaps I was Mashiach & that was the source of my pain as chazal say mashiach suffers for the sins of klal yisroel. Still struggling. B"H married to wonderful wife & I am currently seeing a great therapist. Though it's really hard. I'm a shell of my former self. I used to be such a perfectionist both in my avodas hashem & in everything else. Today I barley get myself to daven or learn. I wrote an extremely long version be4 but lost my draft & no longer have the patience or energy to rewrite it & I prob. wrote too much in that one anyway I hold my breath every time I try to submit a long post. Wow, what a story, I can't believe you worked through all of that, and still continued to be as strong as you are now. Getting married, having kids... There is nothing more beautiful than that. Ill tell all you the truth, I have gone through my own gehenom, and even though mine was different than yours, as humans, as Jews, we can all come together and say we struggled to get where we are. It's funny you say how you used to be a perfectionist, and now your not and upset about it. One extreme always go to the next. From intense davening and learning, to a dry desert, and then eventually working our way so,ethereal back to a safe spot in the middle... Seems like you'll get there soon in my opinion. Davening... Learning... Stop comparing you to your old self, do the day, one moment at a time. And Keep doing whatever your doing, cause it seems to be working. |
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My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)
My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection |
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