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TOPIC: Hello 632 Views

Hello 02 Nov 2018 05:31 #336925

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Hesitant to write.
Guess start from the beginning -
I grew up in a non-Orthodox Jewish environment and was introduced to inappropriate magazines at camp around 8th grade or so and how to use them. For years went to sleep usually only after acting out, not per se with any explicit material. Guess not much longer until my family got dial internet back in the 90's and of course started looking at inappropriate stuff. 
In high school started becoming Shomer Shabbos, was going thru regular high school angst - wasn't so focused on my actions as problems just how it was, though slowly started doubting if it was right more and more.
Went to Yeshiva after high school and for a year just quit. For next years it was off and on, had no smartphone - just some access when at home - so it was not a constant fight - just when that lost here and there. But was getting harder to handle after a few years, decided a good idea to get married. Didn't date long, got engaged, wasn't the most perfect engagement as an aside, but got married B'H. Spare more details, after my first child, there is, of course, a break, well was caught. Some pop-up ads sealed the deal. My wife wasn't happy, but I explained my issue that it had haunted me and that I wanted to change - which were honest, it was something I always wished I could talk to someone about and how it saddened me. I quit again for about a year, the assumption was I stopped and other than a snide remark here and there it was left to rest. Not sure how much longer, I started basically off and on, some periods of sadness, some better - nothing too groundbreaking. A little while back I got sick, sudden, not currently sick anymore BH. I guess I had a mid-life crisis of sorts while I was not that old (1/4 life more like it). My relationship with my wife has never been so stellar, not per se related to her finding out, but whatever spare the details for now but never felt like a person to confide or to trust with emotion. I felt so alone and so intensely. I have dealt with depression here and there (sometimes a nice amount), but this was much stronger and didn't go away. Also had job issues that persisted for a bit - UNDERSTATEMENT. Oddly I also become very anxious and again alone and felt helpless. This time I fell but it felt much worse. I felt like I was using the issue as a drug. Just to fry my brain so I could go to sleep for example. Some things have stabilized before I hit rock bottom, and I have been clean since Elul. I didn't check back in with 90 chart - but whatever, my official 90 days will be Chanukah though I think it was earlier in Elul. Either way, I started getting the Whatsapp and the Chizuk emails since the summer. I now decided to go and actually sign in and look around and post. The issue is loneliness is hard - wanting to just create one's schedule, but alas a married person with a few kids after a long day at work has to do this and that, and by then you're very tired - so all the great plans of learning slowly crumble then you have to wake up on time for your morning plans not to crumble too. And this is of course interest to no one, so you just kind of crumble alone. But one plan I do not wish to let go this time - the dealing with my issue. 
I am not sure if there is a 2 bag weight limit on this flight, so will leave it at that for now.

Re: Hello 02 Nov 2018 06:26 #336926

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That's a pretty amazing streak you have after going through what you describe ( especially if it's all understatements. I'm pretty sure most ogf the people who are here have very similiar stories to yours even with being FFB., so it's very inspiring to hear how strong you have been/are now. As far as the loneliness issue i definitely feel for you , as it must be very hard although i beleive for myself and most guys here- as well as anyone's relationship in general with their wife is,in this area it is almost impossible for wife to be of help as they don't feel what we feel.Therefore you;ve definitely come to the right place where we all try to help each other out and become part of the group where you are understood. Chazak Chazak going forward and keep on posting.

Re: Hello 02 Nov 2018 09:33 #336928

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Hi and thanks for posting something.

I don't know how other people fee about it, but I don't mind if you write a lot. It's not a burden. If I don't feel like reading your stuff I won't. Obviously write details that matter to your state of mind but not personally identifying details ..,

I can't quite tell how you are feeling right now. Are you feeling down because some of your plans crumbled, as you said?

My plans crumble too, so now instead of fixing a time every day for some activities I try to keep total time per day. For example you could learn for 15 minutes here and there. It adds up. I know it's annoying though.

If you are feeling lonely you can call other people here on the phone. You can probably find people to talk about depression and anxiety too if that's what bothers you.

If you have never had a therapist and you can afford it you might try that out, a good therapist can really help, maybe once a week. It's someone you can talk to once a week and who may offer coping skills to offer in various areas of life.

Re: Hello 02 Nov 2018 12:54 #336934

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Welcome! Wow. What a great first post. Honest and detailed. You are inspiration. Keep it up. Hatzlocha
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Hello 02 Nov 2018 18:46 #336939

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Calculator wrote on 02 Nov 2018 05:31:
Hesitant to write.
Guess start from the beginning -
I grew up in a non-Orthodox Jewish environment and was introduced to inappropriate magazines at camp around 8th grade or so and how to use them. For years went to sleep usually only after acting out, not per se with any explicit material. Guess not much longer until my family got dial internet back in the 90's and of course started looking at inappropriate stuff. 
In high school started becoming Shomer Shabbos, was going thru regular high school angst - wasn't so focused on my actions as problems just how it was, though slowly started doubting if it was right more and more.
Went to Yeshiva after high school and for a year just quit. For next years it was off and on, had no smartphone - just some access when at home - so it was not a constant fight - just when that lost here and there. But was getting harder to handle after a few years, decided a good idea to get married. Didn't date long, got engaged, wasn't the most perfect engagement as an aside, but got married B'H. Spare more details, after my first child, there is, of course, a break, well was caught. Some pop-up ads sealed the deal. My wife wasn't happy, but I explained my issue that it had haunted me and that I wanted to change - which were honest, it was something I always wished I could talk to someone about and how it saddened me. I quit again for about a year, the assumption was I stopped and other than a snide remark here and there it was left to rest. Not sure how much longer, I started basically off and on, some periods of sadness, some better - nothing too groundbreaking. A little while back I got sick, sudden, not currently sick anymore BH. I guess I had a mid-life crisis of sorts while I was not that old (1/4 life more like it). My relationship with my wife has never been so stellar, not per se related to her finding out, but whatever spare the details for now but never felt like a person to confide or to trust with emotion. I felt so alone and so intensely. I have dealt with depression here and there (sometimes a nice amount), but this was much stronger and didn't go away. Also had job issues that persisted for a bit - UNDERSTATEMENT. Oddly I also become very anxious and again alone and felt helpless. This time I fell but it felt much worse. I felt like I was using the issue as a drug. Just to fry my brain so I could go to sleep for example. Some things have stabilized before I hit rock bottom, and I have been clean since Elul. I didn't check back in with 90 chart - but whatever, my official 90 days will be Chanukah though I think it was earlier in Elul. Either way, I started getting the Whatsapp and the Chizuk emails since the summer. I now decided to go and actually sign in and look around and post. The issue is loneliness is hard - wanting to just create one's schedule, but alas a married person with a few kids after a long day at work has to do this and that, and by then you're very tired - so all the great plans of learning slowly crumble then you have to wake up on time for your morning plans not to crumble too. And this is of course interest to no one, so you just kind of crumble alone. But one plan I do not wish to let go this time - the dealing with my issue. 
I am not sure if there is a 2 bag weight limit on this flight, so will leave it at that for now.

Welcome brother.

I hope you'll find some friends to connect with here and maybe even discover how to connect with her

And about the 2 bags?
They say here "KOT", so there's place for at least 14,000 more in the Truck yours :-)
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Re: Hello 04 Nov 2018 02:11 #336946

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Hi, I admire your courage for your first post on the forum. One of the worst things about this addiction is the loneliness. Me personally before I discovered GYE the hardest part was feeling alone without anyone feeling along with me and understanding me, so welcome welcome!!!! You are not alone on this great journey,  stick around here and be inspired,  and before you know it you will be inspiring others too.
All the best! keep in touch!!!!

Re: Hello 04 Nov 2018 06:25 #336951

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דרך ישר wrote on 02 Nov 2018 06:26:
That's a pretty amazing streak you have after going through what you describe ( especially if it's all understatements. I'm pretty sure most ogf the people who are here have very similiar stories to yours even with being FFB., so it's very inspiring to hear how strong you have been/are now. As far as the loneliness issue i definitely feel for you , as it must be very hard although i beleive for myself and most guys here- as well as anyone's relationship in general with their wife is,in this area it is almost impossible for wife to be of help as they don't feel what we feel.Therefore you;ve definitely come to the right place where we all try to help each other out and become part of the group where you are understood. Chazak Chazak going forward and keep on posting.

Thanks - definitely understand this topic's details is not a great spouse conversation. I was referring to in general just emotional support - like smile after a long day kind of thing. I think have an issue with needing more love (feeling supported etc.)  - might be related to the GYE issue. I think the thing is having a GYE related problem can really lower one's self-esteem and make one feel vulnerable - very easy to pick on from a wife, parent, or another figure who is disappointed in the person's level of excellence in for example helping around the house etc. (not that the picking on is malicious per se just how it is)

Re: Hello 04 Nov 2018 06:39 #336952

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mzl wrote on 02 Nov 2018 09:33:
Hi and thanks for posting something.

I don't know how other people fee about it, but I don't mind if you write a lot. It's not a burden. If I don't feel like reading your stuff I won't. Obviously write details that matter to your state of mind but not personally identifying details ..,

I can't quite tell how you are feeling right now. Are you feeling down because some of your plans crumbled, as you said?

My plans crumble too, so now instead of fixing a time every day for some activities I try to keep total time per day. For example you could learn for 15 minutes here and there. It adds up. I know it's annoying though.

If you are feeling lonely you can call other people here on the phone. You can probably find people to talk about depression and anxiety too if that's what bothers you.

If you have never had a therapist and you can afford it you might try that out, a good therapist can really help, maybe once a week. It's someone you can talk to once a week and who may offer coping skills to offer in various areas of life.

Thanks! 
Feel like it's better to take a piece at a time of the problem not provide a whole shmorg of problems at once - though I gave a nice sampling :-)

I was feeling a little down and felt like I needed to reach out and just start the process as opposed to really needing some help and trying to figure it out. Might definitely try the phone call option at some point. I am sort of at that stage where I am trying to keep my learn and other commitments with the Yomim Noraim etc., want to stick it out, despite being hard.

As for learning, I have a unique trait of liking to plan out my learning and having trouble sticking to a plan. I can definitely learn BH (ie not currently burnt out or depressed to be unable to regularly focus) and understand that time is going to fluctuate depending on the day but getting that balance of trying to accomplish (shenayim mikra, some gemara, halacha etc.) not too much, not too little. Like with a chavrusa, have had an issue because always things pop up at night - family or other stuff, the trouble really being able to establish a more regular out of house schedule nor are there many chaburas around that offer 2 or 3 days, here or there, kind of schedules.

Ya have seen to a therapist (a few) but never really discussed the issue which I think I kind of resented the therapists for doing such a lousy job at figuring it out. I do think I have an idea in this regard.

Re: Hello 04 Nov 2018 12:25 #336955

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Wow, talk about bringing this struggle out into the open. Kol HaKavod for opening up about this. Many people have come here and are on healthy paths to recovery. Keep on tackling this head on.

Regarding learning, try to set up a plan that is doable and you will feel good about. For example, depending on how well you learn, I know someone who learns Amud Yomi - he feels that it is small enough for him to do it in a day and significant enough that he is learning a substantial amount every day.

I am a big believer in consistency- the more that you build healthier habits regarding lust and all other areas of life, the better your quality of life and overall wellbeing will become.

Also, consulting with a therapist would be helpful. For me, it gave me an approach and healthy mindset for handling this. If you reach out to GYE, they can recommend professionals in your area.

Feel free to reach out and email me at alwaysresilience@gmail.com if you want to connect and expand your network. 

Kol HaKavod and we are all rooting for you. Remember that Hashem loves you and wants you to succeed more than anyone!!!

Re: Hello 07 Nov 2018 21:13 #337078

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Welcome!  Isolation is definitely the worst.  Thank you for posting here.  The chevra here are warm and non-judgmental.  You can really open up.  Having someone to talk to is a real game changer, especially in person.  Keep posting.

Re: Hello 16 Dec 2018 07:41 #337841

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Passed the 90 days (as stated it's not quite my counter - something like 30 days less -started counting offsite, didn't want to start at 0 when I started) and well I am here. I have stuck with a few small positive things also beside the GYE issue - just getting on the small step, don't get discouraged about how small, repeat.
I have lots of random ideas - let me share two.

The feeling I have now clean for a bit is as follows. It is a small village, which is me. When the village is attacked by an evil force, all is consumed with defending itself. This goes on for years. And without much of a defense, the people must hide, morale is low, and any positive growth - a nice house, a nice garden, is quickly destroyed by the force's return. After a while, the village gathers some forces and says no with the help of a kind King who was passing by with his forces - and the evil force leaves, for now, seeing the village is determined at this point and currently reinforced. As peace reigns, slowly the village builds up forces, teaching its youth to defend itself. The town now can build shops, new homes, and the fear of destruction slowly decreases, as now the new 'small' problems that were never the focus before are the town's main concern. But yet, the force wasn't destroyed, it just left. At any point, it could just return and ravage the village. So while the growth and peace are nice, what will be. Will the kind King help again.

Second idea - everyone has problems that they deal with. Life is about advancing our problems. Let me explain -
For example, the greatest problems are the ones of the Tzadikkim of the generation - they have perfected themselves, so they now focus on the Jewish people as a whole, the world as a whole, the great issues of our day etc. That is their focus, their problem.
Often when ensnared in the GYE issue, I was saddened (in addition to about 37 other reasons) that my focus wasn't on more important matters. I wasn't in charge of a chesed, wasn't doing my part to solve Klal Yisrael's woes. Just wasting away dealing with my issues. I now have gotten past the first level - my major roadblock (or perhaps a major roadblock)- but I still have a lot of problems with myself, my relationships. I just haven't able to do much of a job while not fully stable with the major roadblock. Now I am trudging away at all the other stuff. The idea I am trying to hold on is that fixing a problem is not a recipe for not having a problem, it's a recipe for a better problem. There is no use being discouraged for everyone is discouraged, everyone is filled with their own level of problems, on their level. There isn't a problem with problems. It's not what to get bent out of shape about. The problem is our source of life, the reason we are here. To deal with what cards we have been dealt. Don't Fold :-)

Calculator
Last Edit: 16 Dec 2018 07:45 by Calculator. Reason: grammar

Re: Hello 11 Jan 2019 06:01 #338386

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Wanted to add a few points on the road -
First off - everything is amazing! That's not true. But it definitely has been better. Just stop for a bit, get some breaths of fresh air, then you can slowly figure out from there. It's worthwhile - that is 100% true.

1) One of the biggest things for me is that a little while back I had a natural reaction which shocked me. There is a goya who I deal with during the day, and I reacted with a thought of the matter as assur when passing her. Not that'd be nice but assur. Not guilt. Not but what would be. I just naturally had a reaction that she's forbidden, and it'd be wrong. Case closed. This an example of a subtle change that can occur, believe me, I would not believe me. Often I pondered that after so many years of looking at stuff and knowing it provides nothing, the option of an actual relationship would potentially still make me fall. This gave me hope that if chas v'shalom that situation would arise, I could withstand. Just wanted to mention that growth is possible and if you focus on the little things that are better that you can get a lot of chizuk. There won't be magic, at least not as of yet, but Hashem sends some messages.

2) Two challenges of the yetzer I have seen I'd like to mention. The yetzer has recently tried a trick, and one reaction I have been having that has been going on for a while that I think I have pshat in. One is not the interest in the act for lust but for companionship - not real companionship - but the selling of the picture of a pretty person. Hey old friend, why don't you come away with me for a few minutes. I heard a while back that desire for women is connected with the desire for chesed. I, and like everyone it seems here, often feel down. The yetzer loves feeding a simple solution to this issue. It is so important to try to get involved in something positive and uplifting. I am lazy so one thing I find is just reading the forums - connecting with people, being with people in a time of need. It quells the urge we have to give, which then I personally feel is linked to the lust desire. I hope to get better at this - but either way, great prevention before desire is to try to connect to helping others in a way that provides that desire to be wanted and appreciated and a feeling of self-worth. This sounds very self-serving because it is :-) But lust has for me created a very self-focused person who is very needy.

The next challenge is often feeling like I am going crazy. I will just shout for a moment while driving (then a second moment), go AHAHAHAHAHAH for a bit at home. I think the explanation is I have this baggage of guilt, of questions - not GYE related - just in life, and now I have given up my mind-numbing option. So I just feel like screaming sometimes. AHHHH. I haven't figured this one out at all but in general, I just let me do me. If I want to scream, I scream. If I want to sing loudly to a song in the car, I do. The idea of just coming to grips with who you are and just being is very powerful for me. I'm not perfect, so I'm not going to drive myself nuts trying to pretend. I have problems - my name is Calculator and I am recovering :-)
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