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TOPIC: My sad story 3998 Views

Re: My sad story 28 Oct 2018 06:36 #336720

Its been about 4 months since I became a member of guard your eyes and I still didn't change at all. I still watch the shmutz and am Motzi zera livatala at least 4 times a week. Please help with any ideas. Pm me.

Re: My sad story 05 Dec 2018 01:25 #337689

WHy should I continue fighting?  why should I not just look at myself as a frum Jew who in general keeps Torah and mitzvos but some things Is not so careful in . Some people don't daven with a minyan,  miss krias shima often etc . So why should I put effort in controlling myself in shmiras enayim and shmiras habris? 

Re: My sad story 05 Dec 2018 01:57 #337690

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Don't be so hard on yourself. We all struggle with this and we are making the effort to grow. Joining this site and communicating with others makes a huge difference. The one thing you cannot do is toss in the towel- we all have different challenges in life. Whether it be Krias Shema, anger, or lust. Focus on the strides you have made, what your potential triggers are, and the positive doable steps that will get you in a better place. Remember - progress not perfection.

Re: My sad story 06 Dec 2018 04:27 #337717

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The reason you should stop isn't because it's an aveira, you should stop because its unhealthy (I'm talking about spiritually, although it's also unhealthy physically), you stay up nights, you can't get up in the morning, you're not productive so you feel like garbage. It's ruining your life (to an extent). And you can't be married and have this issue. I'm also a Lubavitcher Bochur, with the same issue, but B"h I'm 9 days clean and I have a guy that I speak to that got off porn etc. more than 2 years ago. He found me on GYE.
Besuros Tovos.

Re: My sad story 06 Dec 2018 06:24 #337719

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Hi Chassidishe buchur, I'm also a Chabad chossid, married with two kids, 30 years old, BT. I'm sure you've heard this so many times, but your struggle is so common. I see a lot of my own issues in what you've been say. For instance, I'm naturally a depressive. It's easy for people like us to get down on ourselves. But for sure 100% the main thing is that you need to be b'simcha not just about your victories (however small they may be, for instance, how amazing is it that you're only mz"l 4 out of 7 days?!?!) but also be b'simcha for the fact that Hashem gave you this taava and addiction. In a big sense, it's not you're fault, Hashem made you that way in the same way that Hashem makes people with mental disorders and physical/mental disabilities. How silly would it be for them or anyone else to blame them when Hashem decreed that that should be their chelek in this world?

But even so, this addiction is such a blessing that I haven't even fully been able to understand how great it is. We see it only on the receiving end: we are the ones who have to fight the daily struggle, we are the ones who have to deal with the guilt and shame that follows, we are the ones that have to feel like we're leading a double life. But from Hashem point of view, this taava and addiction is a huge way for us to come closer to Hashem. Not everyone gets to know what their shluchis is; how amazing is it that Hashem has literally shown you yours?! By engaging in this holy avodah, you are able to come close to Hashem in ways that most people are unable to. Honestly brother, I feel like the Alter Rebbe was talking to people like you and me, flawed people with big yetzer hara's that want nothing more than to catch us with our pants down and say "told you so!" even though he's the very one who made us unzip in the first place!! The Alter Rebbe/our Rebbe knows all our issues, we need to believe that the Rebbe knows our strengths and believes in us more than we even know/believe in ourselves.

Some practical guidance though, I would definitely explore ALL of the resources that the GYE website has to offer. Ask yourself if you've read all of the articles, tried all the tools, listened to shiurim, developed a solid list of contacts for when you're itching for the next fix. I can tell you right off the bat that according to the attitude principle #1 of the GYE program, shmiras habris is not just "another thing" that people may be lax in like not davening with a minyan or missing krias shima (neither of which are ok although ppl do it, similar to all of the people who talk during kaddish in 770 mit a chutzpah) shmiras habris is literally the yesod foundation of our avodah! We don't talk enough about it in chabad literature, but it's the truth. Working on our shmiras habris is so important, probably more important than any other thing in our avodah. Feel free to reach out to me if you need chizuk: iwtbf613@gmail.com. I'm here for you!!!

Re: My sad story 10 Dec 2018 04:30 #337764

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 05 Dec 2018 01:25:
WHy should I continue fighting?  why should I not just look at myself as a frum Jew who in general keeps Torah and mitzvos but some things Is not so careful in . Some people don't daven with a minyan,  miss krias shima often etc . So why should I put effort in controlling myself in shmiras enayim and shmiras habris? 

I just read this whole thread and I hear your pain, in regards to why should you even try to work it on this problem, I agree with much of what has been written and I think the question itself says that it bothers you otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

In regards to what you asked in the post before, why is it not working, please refer to cords post on page 3 of your thread. We have no idea what you have tried (we only know what you haven't, and that is calling people).

It's very hard to give any help when we don't know what is going on.

The only thing I can share, is that listening to dovs recorded talks and reading his long posts where very clarifying for me, and in a sense have kept me searching to get myself clean despite numerous "failures". BH today I'm over 25 days clean, just because I have not given up yet.

I wish you much success.

P.s I'm chabad tto and I think some of dovs talks address those seeking teshuvah ilaa in effort to rectify for mz"l

Re: My sad story 10 Dec 2018 15:44 #337766

  • Workingguy
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Why should you bother? Here’s a few reasons from experience.

As a frum Jew who knows too much about what the Torah says about these aveiros, it’s just going to give you too much religious guilt. 

When you’re focused on sexual outlets and acting out, it’s very hard to feel spiritual in the Mitzvos that you actually do well. Because ultimately, sexuality is so often present, and so as you’re trying to have tremendous Kavanah by singing zemiros, you can’t stop looking at the cute guest at your table. And as you try to really get into your davening, you can’t stop thinking about your next fix.

Being subject to the whims of your physical desires, as I have so often been, makes you literally feel subhuman. So forgetting the religious aspect, it’s very hard to feel like a mentch.

The flip side- being in control and realizing that you don’t have to act out, look, etc or whatever is an exhilarating feeling. 

These are are just some of the reasons. 

Re: My sad story 10 Dec 2018 19:36 #337768

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 05 Dec 2018 01:25:
WHy should I continue fighting?  why should I not just look at myself as a frum Jew who in general keeps Torah and mitzvos but some things Is not so careful in . Some people don't daven with a minyan,  miss krias shima often etc . So why should I put effort in controlling myself in shmiras enayim and shmiras habris? 

chabad.org wrote:
It is a psychological fact that we can grasp that which we sincerely desire to understand. But if there is a subject in which we have no interest, we will walk into mental blockades regularly. The sixth Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneerson, says this explains why some very astute businessman may sit at a Talmud class and find himself struggling to grasp basic principles of rabbinic reasoning. Why is it that the same person who can concoct brilliant schemes in the boardroom fails to follow straightforward logic in the Talmud class? The answer, says the Rebbe, is that this businessman is really not that interested in the subject. But if it was half as important to him as making money, he might well become a rosh yeshiva!


I used to hit these mental blocks too.

And the answer for me usually is not more good reasons and more deliberations - however compelling they may be, rather the will and desire (sometimes because of pain).
Because when I have no will / desire / pain, it's not easy for me to stay out of the 'slip' zone, or acting out with others as Chassidishe buchur may be...

This is similar to what I just texted WG about my struggle last night...

The answer to our friend Chassidishe buchur is;
I hear you and feel for you, and we will always be here for you, whenever you are ready!
My Story---------Dov Quotes


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Re: My sad story 17 Dec 2018 16:50 #337875

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Do you think you will be happy if you have no control in the areas of shmiras aynayim/bris?  Do you think things will stay the same, or get worse over time?  Does this affect other things in your life, or are you able to compartmentalize it?  Presumably, you would like to get married.  How will this affect your marriage (even if your wife doesn't find out - BIG IF)?

Just some things to ponder.

Re: My sad story 17 Dec 2018 19:01 #337876

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 28 Oct 2018 06:36:
Its been about 4 months since I became a member of guard your eyes and I still didn't change at all. I still watch the shmutz and am Motzi zera livatala at least 4 times a week. Please help with any ideas. Pm me.

It's been almost 4 years since I became a member of Guard Your Eyes and I still struggle with the shmutz and am Motzi zera livatala. That doesn't mean that I didn't change at all. Change happens slowly. The yetzer harah tells us that if we don't see immediate results then just forgot the whole thing.  Do you really think the same way as you did 4 months ago? We have been behaving this way for many years, and we don't always change our behavior so quick.
The main thing is to be Still Going. Still Going to try. Still Going to work on it. Eventually, slowly, if we don't stop getting back up, we will find that we are actually falling less often. Eventually falling will iy"H become rare. Doesn't mean that it never happens. It means that we are Still Going.
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Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

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Last Edit: 17 Dec 2018 19:03 by stillgoing.

Re: My sad story 17 Dec 2018 22:16 #337890

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Why should you continue fighting and grow?
What else is the reason you are in this earthly world?
As you said, you do things right. Usually the hardest thing for us, are the main job we are sent in this world. These are the left aspects of our soul that need tikun / rectification.
My advice? Learn Torah. You are never enough.
I once heard, that the problem some have is that they learn Torah, but not at their level. It looks like you need to learn deep Torah.
Learn hard Torah at your level. Your mind probably change. That may be your mission, and that void is just space vacated for the Yatzer Hara.
Sit two hours difficult Torah for you, where you sweat. Do it daily.
After 90 days you may be a new person.
(This is not my idea, I heard it once from Rabbi Reuven. I attest that 2 hours of hard Torah learning somehow quites the temptations incredibly).
By the way, thank you for reminding me back this.
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