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TOPIC: My sad story 3996 Views

My sad story 03 Jul 2018 05:29 #332933

It started when I was in eighth grade, I was in the smart class of our grade, One day one of my friends was learning Chumash about שלמית בת דברי and he didn't understand the whole idea, about the egyption coming into the house etc. so another one of my friends explained to him that for a child to be born the parents need to have s.. and explained what it is and told him he can see videos of it on the internet just go to s...com. after hearing this I got very curious to check it out but I didn't have access to a computer with internet in my house. But the next time I went to my father's house (my parents are devorced and I live with my mother) I had access to a computer with internet and I checked it out. Afterwards I felt bad that I did it but the images came back into my mind. Also it led to to be motzi zera livatala with my hands which I learned in rambam is a very bad avaira and in Tanya that tshuvah dosent help. Most of the year I didn't have access to Internet so I didn't go back often to look at these things, but once I was motzi zera livatala once, it happened again and again every day or two. When I got into mesivta and had a mashpia, I was to embarrassed to tell him I do such things because I thought I'm the only one. I went to napernak yeshivas kayitz and took the hachlata to only use internet if I need to and with a filter, I felt like a thief taking the dime of the rebbe knowing that the damage of the internet was already done to me. In mesivta I tried to stop being motzi zera livatala many times. Sometimes it lasted a week sometimes 2 weeks,  a few times I went a month clean. But I was never able to stay clean much longer than a month. My last year of yeshiva gedolah I slept at my house and at that time I had access to Internet, it had k9 filter, but as everyone knows it's not a good filter, and when ever I had a chance I would look at pictures and videos of what ever I was able to (that the filter didn't block). I felt very bad about this, especially because I took the hachlata in napernak. The next year I went away from home to a different yeshiva, there we (the shluchim) had a computer with a filter and other people were usually around. But someone showed me how to disable temporarily the filter (because he “needed” to do something on the internet that the filter blocked, the the shluchim who had the password (2 shluchim each had half of the password) were not arround) and from then on once in a while when no one was arround and I was on the computer or sometimes I even went on the computer for this reason, I watched the worst shmutz. Now I'm back sleeping in my house and the promlom continues, I can't believe that it's almost a decade and I'm still stuck. I need help. B”h recently I heard about guard your eyes (someone put out their adds in 770) and I hope I'll get help here.

During all my years in yeshiva I was always considered by many buchurim very chassidish, I am also on the smart side and know a lot. I was sent on shlichus to a place where very chassidishe buchurim go. I daven baarichus. I didn't have any cell phone till I came to 770. I wanted a cell phone with no internet at all, what I found was a plan with 100 mb a month, that's what I got with a basic phone. Obviously I searched for the shmutz till I finished my data for the month. Then I switched to a prepaid plan, and now I can use the internet as much as I want to. It just uses up my credit.and now i have access to many smartphones in my house of my sibilings and i know exactly how to disable the filter and deete the history .

Last Edit: 04 Dec 2018 08:28 by Chassidishe buchur. Reason: .

Re: My sad story 03 Jul 2018 11:05 #332937

  • lionking
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Welcome,

Stick around and connect with others. IY"H you will learn the tools to help you.
Even though sharing is very recommended, however since this is a public forum, it is not a good idea to share Personal Identifiable Information, which your post has. Please consider sanitizing the post. 

p.s. Great first post, keep sharing we are here to help.
Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: My sad story 03 Jul 2018 14:23 #332943

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Welcome onboard! What have you tried so far? 


Wishing you lots of luck in your journey of recovery
 Love Yankel!
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                                         
My 90 Day Journey

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes

Re: My sad story 03 Jul 2018 17:05 #332945

  • bronson
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Your honesty is a great sign.  You recognize the problem and some patterns.  As Dov often quotes the Gomorra, "Ein Chovish Matir es Atzmo MiBeis Asurin".  A prisoner can't (usually) free himself.
Even in the movies, when the hero or criminal break out of prison, they always need some outside assistance.  Without that, it won't happen.  (movies are great proof for the veracities of life    )
 Push for guidance and advice and everything else.  May Hashem give you Hatzolo and Hatzlocho.
Last Edit: 03 Jul 2018 17:20 by bronson.

Re: My sad story 04 Jul 2018 04:14 #332963

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Welcome! Great honest and courageous first post. Hang around and iyh the title of your thread will become "My happy story"
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

Re: My sad story 04 Jul 2018 04:37 #332965

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Chassidishe buchur wrote on 03 Jul 2018 05:29:

It started when I was in eighth grade, I was in the smart class of our grade, originally I wasn't put in the smart class but I really wanted to be in it so my father convinced the school to put me in. I regret till today being in that class for the following reason. One day one of my friends was learning Chumash about שלמית בת דברי and he didn't understand the whole idea, about the egyption coming into the house etc. so another one of my friends explained to him that for a child to be born the parents need to have s.. and explained what it is and told him he can see videos of it on the internet just go to s...com. after hearing this I got very curious to check it out but I didn't have access to a computer with internet in my house. But the next time I went to my father's house (my parents are devorced and I live with my mother) I had access to a computer with internet and I checked it out. Afterwards I felt bad that I did it but the images came back into my mind. Also it led to to be motzi zera livatala with my hands which I learned in rambam is a very bad avaira and in Tanya that tshuvah dosent help. Most of the year I didn't have access to Internet so I didn't go back often to look at these things, but once I was motzi zera livatala once, it happened again and again every day or two. When I got into mesivta and had a mashpia, I was to embarrassed to tell him I do such things because I thought I'm the only one. I went to napernak yeshivas kayitz and took the hachlata to only use internet if I need to and with a filter, I felt like a thief taking the dime of the rebbe knowing that the damage of the internet was already done to me. In mesivta I tried to stop being motzi zera livatala many times. Sometimes it lasted a week sometimes 2 weeks,  a few times I went a month clean. But I was never able to stay clean much longer than a month. My last year of yeshiva gedolah I slept at my house and at that time I had access to Internet, it had k9 filter, but as everyone knows it's not a good filter, and when ever I had a chance I would look at pictures and videos of what ever I was able to (that the filter didn't block). I felt very bad about this, especially because I took the hachlata in napernak. The next year I went away from home to a different yeshiva, there we (the shluchim) had a computer with a filter and other people were usually around. But someone showed me how to disable temporarily the filter (because he “needed” to do something on the internet that the filter blocked, the the shluchim who had the password (2 shluchim each had half of the password) were not arround) and from then on once in a while when no one was arround and I was on the computer or sometimes I even went on the computer for this reason, I watched the worst shmutz. Now I'm back sleeping in my house and the promlom continues, I can't believe that it's almost a decade and I'm still stuck. I need help. B”h recently I heard about guard your eyes (someone put out their adds in 770) and I hope I'll get help here.

During all my years in yeshiva I was always considered by many buchurim very chassidish, I am also on the smart side and know a lot. I was sent on shlichus to a place where very chassidishe buchurim go. I daven baarichus. I didn't have any cell phone till I came to 770. I wanted a cell phone with no internet at all, what I found was a plan with 100 mb a month, that's what I got with a basic phone. Obviously I searched for the shmutz till I finished my data for the month. Then I switched to a prepaid plan, and now I can use the internet as much as I want to. It just uses up my credit.


Dear Chassideshe Bochur

Welcome and good first post! Stick around and you will get some great advice. I echo what somone said here that you should take out the personal details like where you are now and where you went to camp etc.

In response to a few of your points: 
1) You wrote that in Tanya it says you can't do teshuva. My Tanya teaches me that it is always possible to do teshuva even when soone says echta veoshiv the Alter Rebbe says that you can do teshuva (and explains how it fits with the Gemoro). Hashem always wants you back. Thats the aleph beis of chassidis.

2) Having said all of that i would advise you to forget about teshuva (which is something The Rebbe advises many bochurim to do in his Igros Koddesh, not to think about Teshuva for Cha"n at all)  and just work on the issue. Now, Torah and Chassids, farbrangens etc. has not been enough to stop you because you seem to have been there done that and it hasn't helpled. I was exacty like you. The most chassideshe bochur, learning hemshechim a whole leil shishi but then acted out in the morning, still watched porn and masturbated. Now I am married and still have the issue. Marriage does not fix the issue. At least for me it didn't.

So time to try something else. This Website is a good start and may be enough for you but you actually need to be oisek in it. Do the 90 days challenge, read the emails, chat with the chevre, CALL PEOPLE (because thats the when it starts being real..). If thats not enough prehaps you should see a therapist. Maybe there is a deeper issue here. For me I need Therapy and now i am in SA. Im not saying you need that but you definitly need something else besides for Torah. So start here on GYE. Boruch Habo Besheim Hashem!

Wishing you lots of Hatzlocho. Feel free to email me changing613@gmail.com

Signed,
A fellow chossid who is struggling
Changing

Re: My sad story 05 Jul 2018 07:44 #333005

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I don't think there is anything to add that hasn't been mentioned already, just wanted to welcome you as well!

השלך על השם יהבך והוא יכלכלך
wannabefree613@gmail.com

Re: My sad story 08 Jul 2018 02:22 #333065

Last Edit: 29 Nov 2018 13:18 by Chassidishe buchur. Reason: .

Re: My sad story 08 Jul 2018 13:51 #333079

thank you so much for sharing how you feel. i'm a 14 year old chabad bochur who is also struggling, and i know so well how it feels that your scared to ask your mashpia. i have the same thing!
the kids in my shiur think i'm a literal malach. i'm the one that when they start getting in to talking about hilchos isurei biah,(rambam of just now)  i shut them up.

Re: My sad story 08 Jul 2018 14:39 #333080

I just want to encourage you to speak to your mashpia about it. I can garentee you he won't even blink when you tell him you have this problem. In our times this problem is so commen 

Re: My sad story 09 Jul 2018 02:58 #333106

I thought that leaving crown heights for the summer and going to a yeshivas kayitz would help my struggle because crown heights is filled with women (just like any other place) and even worse - that are dressed not tzniusdik. But in the yeshivas kayitz I'm attracted to the boys. I also have more access here to a computer and smartphones. And I realized that on my phone (not a smartphone) I have full unfiltered internet, it's just not such a big screen, but it's big enough to fulfill my desires. 

Re: My sad story 09 Jul 2018 05:47 #333108

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Help me out here. I never went to yeshiva. I don't understand how your yeshiva allows a frum young man to have a phone that has an unfiltered access to the internet, even if it's only text. Porn is not just pictures.

I think that by not telling your parents about your problem you are doing a great disservice to yourself. My logic is that when you are an adult you choose your phone, your place of employment, your place to live etc. But when you are a young man in your parents' house or in yeshiva others choose some things on your behalf - like this phone. Your parents and rabbeim have obligations to keep you safe and healthy, and they cannot fulfill those obligations if you have a secret life.

How are they going to feel when they inevitably find out about you many years from now, wishing that they could have known?

I think that you could find a way to tell your parents and rabbeim that you can't handle internet access. You don't have to talk about what you did in the past but you can say that once someone showed you some lewd material on the internet and when you think about what's out there you feel out of control and you want no part of it.

I know a rabbi who doesn't know how to use a computer and never wants to learn and said so. There's no shame in not wanting to be tested.

I think this is the first time I read about your attraction to other boys. That could be a side effect of doing a lot of porn and masturbation. You start looking for more variety.

Re: My sad story 09 Jul 2018 09:43 #333114

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First step, barricade the doors and windows!! Get rid of your unfiltered phones! Make a big hullabaloo about not having unfiltered computers laying around the camp! 

Re: My sad story 09 Jul 2018 19:47 #333137

I think that by not telling your parents about your problem you are doing a great disservice to yourself. My logic is that when you are an adult you choose your phone, your place of employment, your place to live etc. But when you are a young man in your parents' house or in yeshiva others choose some things on your behalf - like this phone. Your parents and rabbeim have obligations to keep you safe and healthy, and they cannot fulfill those obligations if you have a secret life.

How are they going to feel when they inevitably find out about you many years from now, wishing that they could have known?

I think that you could find a way to tell your parents and rabbeim that you can't handle internet access. You don't have to talk about what you did in the past but you can say that once someone showed you some lewd material on the internet and when you think about what's out there you feel out of control and you want no part of it.

I know a rabbi who doesn't know how to use a computer and never wants to learn and said so. There's no shame in not wanting to be tested.

I think this is the first time I read about your attraction to other boys. That could be a side effect of doing a lot of porn and masturbation. You start looking for more variety.

I totally understand a 14 year old bochur not wanting to tell his parents.. i am also a Chabad bochur (bh 29 days clean on first try!) And I had this problem at age 14 too, but not in the wildest dreams would I go over to my parents and tell them simply because in my head I was really not normal for having such issues. Being open about it is a really mature thing to do and not all 14 year olds are really ready to open up about it to parents (to a mashpia its a different story) and probably most aren't. Teenage years are very difficult years and most of them think they know better than their parents etc so opening up to parents takes alot of courage but its definitely the right thing to do.
Feel free to pm me
"The 30 sec enjoyment ain't worth the 30 day depression which comes right after it!"

Re: My sad story 09 Jul 2018 19:50 #333138


the kids in my shiur think i'm a literal malach. i'm the one that when they start getting in to talking about hilchos isurei biah,(rambam of just now)  i shut them up.

Its funny you're meantion rambam because me at the age of 11/12 I was already discussing these things with my friends as I learnt rambam and I knew Abit about it.
Feel free to pm me
"The 30 sec enjoyment ain't worth the 30 day depression which comes right after it!"
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