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A struggling bochur
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TOPIC: A struggling bochur 57358 Views

Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 14:14 #339705

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Hay Shnitz, (shoot! Am I fleshigs now?)

My 2 cents?

Meeting, Shmeetings, real people shmeople, every persons got their unique journey with different ingredients at different times.
To me, the most important thing for recover in almost Any person is, (quote) " to thy own self be true", or in normal English be completely and constantly honest to yourself.

Without personal honesty we can host a sa meeting in our bedroom and be drunk as ever, and with personal honesty we will we will we will eventually get sober, because we won't stop trying new things until we do so.
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 14:28 #339706

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stillgoing wrote on 15 Mar 2019 14:14:
Hay Shnitz, (shoot! Am I fleshigs now?)

My 2 cents?

Meeting, Shmeetings, real people shmeople, every persons got their unique journey with different ingredients at different times.
To me, the most important thing for recover in almost Any person is, (quote) " to thy own self be true", or in normal English be completely and constantly honest to yourself.

Without personal honesty we can host a sa meeting in our bedroom and be drunk as ever, and with personal honesty we will we will we will eventually get sober, because we won't stop trying new things until we do so.

You are 100% right. The problem is that in this business (and in many others as well), it is difficult to be completely honest with oneself. We have lots goin' on in our brain that gives us different signals. That is the advantage of usin' another, whether it be a therapist, mentor, close friend, sponsor, wife (at times), someone else's wife, etc. They help us see the truth, as much as we think we got it all figured out.

Each step of my journey, I thought I understood it all, until every time I opened up in a different way, and whadya know? I was wrong!

Godspeed
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Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 15:14 #339707

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cordnoy wrote on 15 Mar 2019 14:28:

stillgoing wrote on 15 Mar 2019 14:14:
Hay Shnitz, (shoot! Am I fleshigs now?)

My 2 cents?

Meeting, Shmeetings, real people shmeople, every persons got their unique journey with different ingredients at different times.
To me, the most important thing for recover in almost Any person is, (quote) " to thy own self be true", or in normal English be completely and constantly honest to yourself.

Without personal honesty we can host a sa meeting in our bedroom and be drunk as ever, and with personal honesty we will we will we will eventually get sober, because we won't stop trying new things until we do so.

You are 100% right. The problem is that in this business (and in many others as well), it is difficult to be completely honest with oneself. We have lots goin' on in our brain that gives us different signals. That is the advantage of usin' another, whether it be a therapist, mentor, close friend, sponsor, wife (at times), someone else's wife, etc. They help us see the truth, as much as we think we got it all figured out.

Each step of my journey, I thought I understood it all, until every time I opened up in a different way, and whadya know? I was wrong!

Godspeed

.Maskim!

but
     
      I tried "everything" I could possibly think of before I joined sa. Some things 'worked', some did not, but at the end of the day I had to look myself in the eye and say completely bluntly "sg, do you want to keep acting out your whole life? You know that you will unless you take the next step"  sa is (some will disagree) hard, and I was not ready to put in that kind of commitment as long as I still thought that I still has another option.
   The 'personal honesty' kicked in when I brutally admitted that my 'recovery' was actually just a cycle falls.
    The 'personal honesty' is necessary as well to get one to even listen to another persons advice
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 15:29 #339709

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Trouble wrote on 15 Mar 2019 12:50:

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 15 Mar 2019 05:10:
Seems like people misunderstood my posts.. when I joined gye I thought my issues will like magically go away.. but learnt pretty quickly that I'll have this fight my whole life, which was pretty hard to accept then..

I went off gye for a while simply because I wanted to have less urges to fight, and coming on to gye was doing the opposite being that I get triggered from small things, but not in a million years was my intention to fool myself in thinking that I'm good to go and I've recovered. 

Now, I did consider going to live meetings, however I decided to give gye a extra shot, so I made a shvuah and it worked wonders till it expired.. so now I have another shavua in place and guess what my filter is currently broken so technically I can access inappropriate stuff in 5 sec but my shavua is stopping me.. 

Point is, do I have to go to live meetings even though before gye I acted out 3 times a day and since joining gye only fell on 4 days, and that's 4 days out of 280 days!!

Time will tell..

Firstly, I don't think anyone mentioned you should join sa or go to meetings; just that self-changing steps should be taken. People mistakenly thing that posting on forum is included in that. While it is beneficial and may be very productive for some, it may not alter one's inner being.

Secondly, although those numbers are very commendable and you, your friends, family and God are certainly very proud, that may not be an indicator of any lust decreasing powers within us. Case in point, I have been technically sober for years, but I am in a week-long funk of lusting 24/7. As long as I know that lust is significantly impacting my life in a detrimental way, I cannot rest on my laurels; it is not a cause for celebration, although I haven't stroked or touched.

Now, all this may not be relevant for you at all. And if that's the case, that's fine as well, for after all, I am only Trouble.

An awesome post! you're not all trouble after all. 
Aka -  Mischadeish075

Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 16:07 #339711

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Shnitzel I like this thread!

Keep on posting, and Trucking, and sharing :-)
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Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 18:06 #339719

Trouble I realize that numbers don't mean that lust went away, however my current definition of recovery is simply not acting out, and as long as that's under control then we're fine.

I know my lust will never go away... 
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 21:12 #339722

Here's the crazy story!
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)
Last Edit: 25 Jul 2019 18:47 by Shnitzel and kugel.

Re: A struggling bochur 15 Mar 2019 22:25 #339723

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 15 Mar 2019 18:06:
Trouble I realize that numbers don't mean that lust went away, however my current definition of recovery is simply not acting out, and as long as that's under control then we're fine.

I know my lust will never go away... 

If you're in recovery just to save yourself from aveiros then you are correct

Have a great shabbos

Re: A struggling bochur 17 Mar 2019 02:35 #339731

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 15 Mar 2019 21:12:
Here's the crazy story!

For the past two years I've tutored a young Shliach from a remote city via Skype once a week. We've developed a good relationship and I'm tight with the parents too. Yesterday they told me how the kid is depressed, being disrespectful, questioning life's purpose, after asking them different questions, they revealed to me the shocking news how the kid has issues with inappropriate internet usage.. I was and am still blown away and speechless...

And they told me how they reached out to a frum therapist remotely but they haven't seen results.. so I decided that's it, I have to save this kids life! And I told them, "I'm telling you a secret that no one in the world besides my Rav knows, that I too went to therapy since I had emotional issues and saw instant results"! "And so I have experience in dealing with emotional issues"! They were so touched how much I care for their son to reveal such private things about my life!
I didn't say I too have issues with inappropriate usage... But I'm having a conference call next week with the parents and getting my therapist involved to save this young, innocent and precious neshomo which was exposed to pornography at the tender age of 13!! Yikes! No wonder he's self esteem is low and no wonder he's depressed etc..

That's what's I'm asking here on gye, should I tell the parents that I had this issue at age 13 too and how i kind of got my acting out under control somewhat? Or just tell them I have a friend who has these issues and so I know alot in this field?

If I do reveal my true story, I have a better chance of helping the kid, on the other hand saying the truth might cause them to get turned off from having to do with me.. if I don't say, my helping them will be limited..

I'm running on very little sleep so hope my question makes sense... 

What do the chevrah here say?

As his tutor, you should make sure that he get's the right help as soon as possible. You can tell him about GYE and the information he needs to know. You can print him out the Handbook and tell the parents to set up filters.

Telling his parents about your own struggles I think would be a mistake or else you are clean and strong for quit a long time.
If you alone are still struggling, then you can one day share it with your Talmid in order to make him feel good that he is not the only one who is struggling.

Why are you so sure that you are the one who can help him?

I was also hit at age 13, I was the most innocent boy in Yisheva, the one who knew NOTHING  till the day that I don't want to remember.
Painful memories.

I don't blame anyone, it had to happen and I learned to grow.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: A struggling bochur 17 Mar 2019 02:48 #339733

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Shnitzel. I am confused. In one of your earlier posts you clearly refer to yourself a s a non-addict. Elsewhere it seems that you are trying to treat a lust addiction. Are you an addict or are you not an addict. That is the question. (It's a lot like to be or not to be.. if you know what that is.. If you don't skip it) 

Anyhow- as far as telling the parents or this kid about your personal struggle, whatever it is.. That would be the absolute LAST thing I would suggest doing.. Right after taking sticking my head in between elevator doors as they close in order to help someone's recovery. 
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.

Re: A struggling bochur 17 Mar 2019 03:04 #339736

I'm also confused... Used to think I'm not an addict however I think now I am an addict. 

Makes sense I shouldn't be telling the parents if I'm still struggling.. and I feel stupid for telling the parents that I went to therapy.. however hashgocho protis they know..

Does it make sense to tell the parents that I have a close friend who has struggles and so I know Abit about these things, without saying it's me
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
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Re: A struggling bochur 17 Mar 2019 03:23 #339740

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You can refer them to GYEGYE Hotline

For all technical support:help@guardyoureyes.org

The GYE Hotline (U.S Line): 646-600-8100

12 Steps: If you need help deciding whether to join a 12-Step program, call the hotline (above) and press ext 2, or email help@pornanonymous.org. to schedule a time to talk with Michael. (See: pornanonymous.org)

If your addiction has progressed beyond the screen, SA may be appropriate for you. To figure out if SA is right for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk.

Women / teen girls: 929-888-7809; email: women@guardyoureyes.org

MISHOR Hotline for teens and parents: 732-894-4515

Spouses:spouses@guardyoureyes.org. Sylky: 917-8867735

To make a donation online 24 hours by phone, call: 718-8783075

 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: A struggling bochur 17 Mar 2019 04:58 #339743

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Mar 2019 03:04:
I'm also confused... Used to think I'm not an addict however I think now I am an addict. 

Makes sense I shouldn't be telling the parents if I'm still struggling.. and I feel stupid for telling the parents that I went to therapy.. however hashgocho protis they know..

Does it make sense to tell the parents that I have a close friend who has struggles and so I know Abit about these things, without saying it's me

Just 1 close friend? C’mon how many friends are there here?????
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Re: A struggling bochur 17 Mar 2019 05:02 #339744

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Mar 2019 03:04:
I'm also confused... Used to think I'm not an addict however I think now I am an addict. 

Makes sense I shouldn't be telling the parents if I'm still struggling.. and I feel stupid for telling the parents that I went to therapy.. however hashgocho protis they know..

Does it make sense to tell the parents that I have a close friend who has struggles and so I know Abit about these things, without saying it's me

Just my 2 cents. Please take with a grain of salt or two...

First of all, Stop feeling stupid. We have to accept that the past was basher't to happen, and is what Hashem wanted. Like you said, it's Hashgacha Protis that they know.

Regarding telling the parents; I don't know either of you or your relationship with them. I'm just going to try to present both sides of the coin.

On the one hand, both you and the boy can gain tremendously when you are completely honest with them. It might help them accept that there is nothing wrong with their son, and unfortunately it is quite normal for boys to be exposed at that age.

However consider the fact that the parents are currently confused and traumatized. People in this state don't act rationally. They might be puzzled by the fact that their precious son viewed porn. "How can it be? This couldn't happen to us? This only happens in some Mishpacha Lifelines story. Something must be off." Then you step in and tell them that you also viewed porn at that age and are struggling with it. It gives them an opportunity to project blame. "Oh, it must be that Shnitz Guy, he probably exposed our son to it."

Personally I would stick to a pareve loshon like DoingTeshuva wrote to provide the resources, and then I would butt out.

Hatzlocha Rabba, on whatever decision you decide to take. May you be zoche to proper Siyata DiShmaya.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: A struggling bochur 17 Mar 2019 05:18 #339746

I don't think they'll be blaming "shnitzel" for exposing their son, however like I wrote earlier on, they might want to freeze their connection with me even though they think highly of me as I've helped their son out tremendously in the past..

My therapist said I can tell them I have a friend who struggles, but want to hear opinions from people on gye...

I'm just trying to figure out what I'll be losing out if I say "oh I have a friend who struggles, and he told me he was also exposed and he has done such and such to get help"
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
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Last Edit: 17 Mar 2019 05:22 by Shnitzel and kugel.
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