I'm still in a lot of pain.......i know i need to take positive recovery actions but i just feel like "i don't have the strength for another round of working on sobriety" on the other hand "i definitely don't have the strength for nonstop falling" this is crazy.................for today i commit to go to an SA meeting and we'll see what will follow..........

 God please grant me the strength

I'm still in a lot of pain.......i know i need to take positive recovery actions but i just feel like "i don't have the strength for another round of working on sobriety" on the other hand "i definitely don't have the strength for nonstop falling" this is crazy.................for today i commit to go to an SA meeting and we'll see what will follow..........

 God please grant me the strength

I feel the reason why falls by me have such huge consequences are due to the way falls are treated in SA groups. You see in SA they make a huge deal about the number of days you have been sober and your chashivus within the group is based on the amount of time with sobriety as such after a fall you end up feeling like the loser in the group.........

On the other hand the more i read about SMART recovery the more I believe they have a much healthier and sane attitude towards falls. In Smart you don't mention nor talk about your days of sobriety, you just mention how your last week went and part of the stages of recovery is a stage called relapse and they treat it like a normal/healthy part of the recovery process...........i wish there was frum SMART meetings in Lakewood. Anyone looking to get involved and work with me to set SMART meetings up in Lakewood?

 Love Yankel 

I'm sorry you feel that way, I did not feel that way in SA, and neither did the others who were just starting out. We were welcomed with open arms. Actually, the old guys spoke as if they were newbies. Each group, I guess, has a mind of its own.

it's more how i feel internally when i rejoin after a fall, internally i feel pretty sad and awful

Hi everyone b'h I reached 2 weeks of sobriety by rejoining SA. Anyways i am continuing to work on my 1st step the more i work on this step the more i realize the craziness of this addiction..... and the more i realize I've tried everything to stop including GYE and all kinds of Tapschic/filters and every program had an expiration date eventually i fell..........i'm trully powerless over this deadly sickness i must continue attending SA and working the program.

Here is the list I've written so far for myself of episodes of acting out/analzing powerlessness in those episodes. I hope it belps others to truly understand the nature of this disease 

• Shaking and shocked at the extreme of pornography 1st time i watched it in grandparents house......
• Looking encylopedias and any sort of book that would talk about the word sex for hours on end in extremely compulsive ways
• Listening to a radio show nonstop on sex for 2 hours at night for around 2 years with extreme compulsively and missed many chavrusas and commitments due to my need to listen to that show.
• Breaking 3 or 4 radios in the process. Tried to destroy the antennas of 2 cd players in my house countless times without success to try to stop myself from listening.........
• Grandparents house for hours on end including extremely late at night where i could have easily been caught X5-8
• Magazines/always looking for books then throwing it out and then going to the garbage to repick it to read it
• Going through halacha books as well as any book/ going through mail looking for material to lust
• Going through my mothers bras/drawers as well as while a guest in other people's house going through there drawers looking for lingerie.
• Going through the drawers/bedroom in my aunt's house while babysitting looking for pictures/see if i can find anything sexual.
• Missing a family trip to yellowstone and staying home for that full week in order to watch pornography i walked 30 minute plus to staples to buy a wifi stick to watch as my parents had removed wifi capacity from my home computer
• Airplane. Watching extremely sexual scenes even though the passengers next to me must have been shocked that an orthodox Jew is busy watching that and there were other frum jews on my flight X 5
• Acting out after a full night of learning shavuos night even though I was extremely exhaused.
• causing a flood while taking a shower in a strangers house when i got to israel due to dizziness from acting out in plan and i totally didn't even realize..........
• Mir dirah stealing friends phone in israel and then walking around 25 minutes every day sometimes twice a day to wifi x80-120 times.
• going to Israelis dirah and fighting with them to let me watch and use their movie player all the time even though they were uncomftorble about it. X30-60 times
• Mechalel Yom Kippur in israel due to me going crazy from nonstop acting out on yom kippur.
• Erev yom kippur in Lakewood in hospital due to cutting finger due to compulsive acting out beforehand and feeling dizzy
• Reading and looking at sex positions book in library while other people were around and trying to hide it when people walked near by x20
• Boss commenting to me "you seemed very busy on sunday" which was a day i watched pornography for hours on end at work to this day I worry that he "chapped"
• Watching nonstop during work including some times when my office mate was in the room. And coming back late at night to my office to watch porn until extremely late at night
• Using the small office by work to watch and one time i masturbated just as someone came into the room to ask me a question. To this day i worry that he "chopped" what i was up to.
• Nonstop acting out while dating as well as after dates and during the date the only thing that mattered and i was obsessed about was their looks.
• By dating mentioning to some girls that it's normal for man to have such strong needs and it's ok, trying to see how they would react.........
• Telling shadchanim i need the girl to dress like this or like that to help me out on the next date. Trying to force/manipulate what girls need to wear to dates......
• Watching news/videos just to see the women.
• Always picking the chair/seat in events facing the women so i can lust after them...........
• Always focusing on looks and tops of girls I'm with including family members and being jeolous of people/friends with pretty wifes
• Doubting and constantly testing myself sexually if I can get hard. Etc.
• Reading self help websites as well as sexual shalom bayis help chats and opening accounts to lady only jewish chats and getting caught by them
• Caught in library and kicked out by the security guard In front of everyone it was so embarrassing i promised myself that I'm done......yet 2 weeks later i was back in the library looked around and when i noticed that day there was a different security guard when straight to lustful actions
• Masturbating to everything stupid i could get my hands on including looking through Google maps for pictures to masturbate to........
• Putting juice/mayonaisse to help me masturbate.
• Joining random Whatsapp sexual chat groups sending pics and videos of my penis and requesting nonstop videos. Then deleting whatsapp as though that would help my addiction........
• Putting a filter on my work computer that sends emails to mommy and mommy getting emails that I'm watching porn........ even though i was so embarrassed and started seeing a therapist right after to help me with the addiction i still couldn't stop myself and very soon thereafter i was back to pornography.
• Trying to convince parents to get a filter because of feeling helpless.
• Nightly fight/ getting new filters and then right away searching and finding loopholes always in Tag the people there know me well
• Non stop tapschic/starting again with different shnidts through gye and while i had some nice days of sobriety eventually i kept falling.
• Masturbating while driving x5. What a retarded sickness........
• Going through the streets of LA trying to find a billboard i saw earlier.
• Going to the library for hours upon hours until extremely late at night and at times including when i was extremely exhaused such as after a date waiting and going crazy to get reception x30
• Giving chizuk to a fellow GYE member while at the same time trying to rush the call to watch porn
• Calling chat lines using and stealing brothers and parents credit card for the free trial
• Stealing grandmothers phone taking it into the bathroom to charge it so i could watch pornography x4 She probably got a crazy charge on grandmothers phone due to roaming charges
• Coming to work and hurrying to finish my tasks to get my porn fix. X50
• Browsing through nudes while there were other people in my room/office
• Nonstop masturbation including when other people were in the room and bedroom x10
• Going crazy spending tonz of time trying to find a particular book in grandparents house 2 weeks ago.