Hi everyone,

it's been a while since I last posted anyways it's been a real wild ride since then with some days of sobriety followed by constant falls (a real crazy roller coaster ride) anyways I've had enough and realized I can't continue on this path and have rejoiced SA going to 1 and some days even 2 meetings got myself a sponsor and finally started working on my 1st step.

On my next post i'll write what I've written so far hopefully it helps people to realize how crazy this disease is and take the steps necessary to achieve sobriety.

 Lot's of love yankel

Here is a list I wrote for myself of consequences of this addiction. And why i must work my SA program.

- Bipolar/roller coaster type of emotions
- Feeling extremely low very depressed and lots of anxiety.
- Get angry and upset easily due to my feeling bad and inadequate about myself
- Inability to cope with life on life terms.
- I was late for commitments or didn't show up at all because "i was busy"
- Dating/ not being able to connect properly
- Feeling fake/ leading a double life
- Not being able to relate to people properly as I'm always looking to escape.
- Not living in the present.
- Fear of getting caught from people who view me highly or by family members.
- What will my shabbos table look like if i come to it after acting out right beforehand......
- Fear of divorce in the future.
- Lack of connection to my religion
- Lots and lots of shame
- Fear of a terrible marriage/relationships with my kids
- Physically drained/dizzy from acting out so many times
- Getting fired from jobs if caught
- Lack of enjoyment in life/ from real intimacy
- Avoidance of tasks/goals/responsibilities.
- Got involved in car crash and cut myself due to the dizziness after falling.
- I lacked any spiritual/meaning in my life
- caused progression in my viewing habits and what i need to see to get my fix.
- Caused me to lie/steal to protect myself or get my fix.
- Caused me to completly lose myself and masterbate/watch pornography in extremely compulsive and sickening ways.
- Will cause me to abuse my future wife expecting her to do all kinds of sickening things/ always expecting her to be extremely pretty and she must do all kinds of positions for me regardless of whether she feels ok about it.

Guys as you can clearly see it's a crazy and deadly dizease enough with taking shortcuts and doing funny commitments/programs it's time to realize we must do everything possible to recover including getting off of GYE and actually doing a real live recovery program we can not continue to let this addiction wreak havoc in our lifes.

 Lots of love Yankel the addict in recovery

@sleepy in theory you are 100% correct. Unfortunately our feelings/emotions which are what I as an addict lead and act out life based on them unfortunately don't always follow theory..........

Thanks a lot for your kind words, how is your recovery journey going? Getting where you feel you need to?

 Regards Yankel

Here is a list I wrote for myself of consequences of this addiction. And why i must work my SA program.



- Bipolar/roller coaster type of emotions

- Feeling extremely low very depressed and lots of anxiety.

- Get angry and upset easily due to my feeling bad and inadequate about myself

- Inability to cope with life on life terms.

- I was late for commitments or didn't show up at all because "i was busy"

- Dating/ not being able to connect properly

- Feeling fake/ leading a double life

- Not being able to relate to people properly as I'm always looking to escape.

- Not living in the present.

- Fear of getting caught from people who view me highly or by family members.

- What will my shabbos table look like if i come to it after acting out right beforehand......

- Fear of divorce in the future.

- Lack of connection to my religion

- Lots and lots of shame

- Fear of a terrible marriage/relationships with my kids

- Physically drained/dizzy from acting out so many times

- Getting fired from jobs if caught

- Lack of enjoyment in life/ from real intimacy

- Avoidance of tasks/goals/responsibilities.

- Got involved in car crash and cut myself due to the dizziness after falling.

- I lacked any spiritual/meaning in my life

- caused progression in my viewing habits and what i need to see to get my fix.

- Caused me to lie/steal to protect myself or get my fix.

- Caused me to completly lose myself and masterbate/watch pornography in extremely compulsive and sickening ways.

- Will cause me to abuse my future wife expecting her to do all kinds of sickening things/ always expecting her to be extremely pretty and she must do all kinds of positions for me regardless of whether she feels ok about it.



Guys as you can clearly see it's a crazy and deadly dizease enough with taking shortcuts and doing funny commitments/programs it's time to realize we must do everything possible to recover including getting off of GYE and actually doing a real live recovery program we can not continue to let this addiction wreak havoc in our lifes.



 Lots of love Yankel the addict in recovery



Thank you (my brother).

 

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Markz wrote on 28 Nov 2019 19:15:

@sleepy you are 100% right that its a sickness and if i would be working my SA program or any other program that works such as Smart recovery properly and i would have a fall then i shouldn't feel guilty i did what i was able too..........

but what I've realized about my falls they 100% always happen when i think I'm smarter than my disease and i stop showing up to meetings i stop working my program, i stop making phone calls and being honest with myself, so when i have a fall it is my fault 100%. I had the available tools to not fall and i decided to not do them..........

so i do feel guilty and removed and therefore emotionally feel like I'm living a double life so while you are 100% correct in theory and according to the torah one thing has zero to do with the other. But this list was my personal consequences and since i feel this way whether right or wrong it's a consequence for me

 Love Yankel 

Hi everyone b'h I reached 2 weeks of sobriety by rejoining SA. Anyways i am continuing to work on my 1st step the more i work on this step the more i realize the craziness of this addiction..... and the more i realize I've tried everything to stop including GYE and all kinds of Tapschic/filters and every program had an expiration date eventually i fell..........i'm trully powerless over this deadly sickness i must continue attending SA and working the program.

Here is the list I've written so far for myself of episodes of acting out/analzing powerlessness in those episodes. I hope it belps others to truly understand the nature of this disease 

• Shaking and shocked at the extreme of pornography 1st time i watched it in grandparents house......
• Looking encylopedias and any sort of book that would talk about the word sex for hours on end in extremely compulsive ways
• Listening to a radio show nonstop on sex for 2 hours at night for around 2 years with extreme compulsively and missed many chavrusas and commitments due to my need to listen to that show.
• Breaking 3 or 4 radios in the process. Tried to destroy the antennas of 2 cd players in my house countless times without success to try to stop myself from listening.........
• Grandparents house for hours on end including extremely late at night where i could have easily been caught X5-8
• Magazines/always looking for books then throwing it out and then going to the garbage to repick it to read it
• Going through halacha books as well as any book/ going through mail looking for material to lust
• Going through my mothers bras/drawers as well as while a guest in other people's house going through there drawers looking for lingerie.
• Going through the drawers/bedroom in my aunt's house while babysitting looking for pictures/see if i can find anything sexual.
• Missing a family trip to yellowstone and staying home for that full week in order to watch pornography i walked 30 minute plus to staples to buy a wifi stick to watch as my parents had removed wifi capacity from my home computer
• Airplane. Watching extremely sexual scenes even though the passengers next to me must have been shocked that an orthodox Jew is busy watching that and there were other frum jews on my flight X 5
• Acting out after a full night of learning shavuos night even though I was extremely exhaused.
• causing a flood while taking a shower in a strangers house when i got to israel due to dizziness from acting out in plan and i totally didn't even realize..........
• Mir dirah stealing friends phone in israel and then walking around 25 minutes every day sometimes twice a day to wifi x80-120 times.
• going to Israelis dirah and fighting with them to let me watch and use their movie player all the time even though they were uncomftorble about it. X30-60 times
• Mechalel Yom Kippur in israel due to me going crazy from nonstop acting out on yom kippur.
• Erev yom kippur in Lakewood in hospital due to cutting finger due to compulsive acting out beforehand and feeling dizzy
• Reading and looking at sex positions book in library while other people were around and trying to hide it when people walked near by x20
• Boss commenting to me "you seemed very busy on sunday" which was a day i watched pornography for hours on end at work to this day I worry that he "chapped"
• Watching nonstop during work including some times when my office mate was in the room. And coming back late at night to my office to watch porn until extremely late at night
• Using the small office by work to watch and one time i masturbated just as someone came into the room to ask me a question. To this day i worry that he "chopped" what i was up to.
• Nonstop acting out while dating as well as after dates and during the date the only thing that mattered and i was obsessed about was their looks.
• By dating mentioning to some girls that it's normal for man to have such strong needs and it's ok, trying to see how they would react.........
• Telling shadchanim i need the girl to dress like this or like that to help me out on the next date. Trying to force/manipulate what girls need to wear to dates......
• Watching news/videos just to see the women.
• Always picking the chair/seat in events facing the women so i can lust after them...........
• Always focusing on looks and tops of girls I'm with including family members and being jeolous of people/friends with pretty wifes
• Doubting and constantly testing myself sexually if I can get hard. Etc.
• Reading self help websites as well as sexual shalom bayis help chats and opening accounts to lady only jewish chats and getting caught by them
• Caught in library and kicked out by the security guard In front of everyone it was so embarrassing i promised myself that I'm done......yet 2 weeks later i was back in the library looked around and when i noticed that day there was a different security guard when straight to lustful actions
• Masturbating to everything stupid i could get my hands on including looking through Google maps for pictures to masturbate to........
• Putting juice/mayonaisse to help me masturbate.
• Joining random Whatsapp sexual chat groups sending pics and videos of my penis and requesting nonstop videos. Then deleting whatsapp as though that would help my addiction........
• Putting a filter on my work computer that sends emails to mommy and mommy getting emails that I'm watching porn........ even though i was so embarrassed and started seeing a therapist right after to help me with the addiction i still couldn't stop myself and very soon thereafter i was back to pornography.
• Trying to convince parents to get a filter because of feeling helpless.
• Nightly fight/ getting new filters and then right away searching and finding loopholes always in Tag the people there know me well
• Non stop tapschic/starting again with different shnidts through gye and while i had some nice days of sobriety eventually i kept falling.
• Masturbating while driving x5. What a retarded sickness........
• Going through the streets of LA trying to find a billboard i saw earlier.
• Going to the library for hours upon hours until extremely late at night and at times including when i was extremely exhaused such as after a date waiting and going crazy to get reception x30
• Giving chizuk to a fellow GYE member while at the same time trying to rush the call to watch porn
• Calling chat lines using and stealing brothers and parents credit card for the free trial
• Stealing grandmothers phone taking it into the bathroom to charge it so i could watch pornography x4 She probably got a crazy charge on grandmothers phone due to roaming charges
• Coming to work and hurrying to finish my tasks to get my porn fix. X50
• Browsing through nudes while there were other people in my room/office
• Nonstop masturbation including when other people were in the room and bedroom x10
• Going crazy spending tonz of time trying to find a particular book in grandparents house 2 weeks ago.

iampowerless that is a very brave thing to list.

The Yetzer Hara will make us do almost anything...we go crazy.

Thank G-D for this place to make us realise we are not alone in our struggle and there is hope.

Your list is like an uppercut in my face. I was crying during reading it.
Because I can recognize myself in some of these episodes 

And it's a good uppercut... to awake me and to be honest about these compulsive behaviours, and where they could lead me, to all these... And to see the bottom before reaching it

Thanks thanks a lot, I feel less alone this night

David26fr wrote on 02 Dec 2019 19:00:

Iampowerless wrote on 01 Dec 2019 17:55:

Why do people think they've tried everything? Make a list of everything and see if you're missing something. (I'm speaking rhetorically)
on a more serious note if one seriously wishes to change its possible but not easy . 

Thanks everyone for your kind words yeah it really required deep soul searching and a heck of a lot of honesty (to myself) in order to write down this list, what this list does for me is when i get myself back into the denial stage and think i just have a "tayvoh" problem like every regular guy has, i look at this list and it forces me to face reality and agree that I've got a sickess/addiction and it's time to get out of denial and face it head on........

@ sleepy i masturbated while driving before i joined GYE as well as after. But if you dont mind me asking and it may be hard to give an honest answer but what difference does it make it goes to show that I'm pretty sick regardless??

Btw i have since added two more craziness to my list 
• Going back to my work office at 2-3 on erev shabbos and watching pornography until 30 minutes before shabbos because i just felt like i need it that fix so badly.
• Driving to watch porn, then feeling stupid so i start driving back home then i start once again driving towards my fix then again home.......etc, craziness of the addiction.

 Love Yankel

Hi chevrah,

it's been a hectic ride but ODAAT I've been sober thanks to keeping in touch with people and lots and lots of SA meetings and the occasional trip to the gym its a ODAAT journey.

Anyways someone in recovery gave me the following essay he wrote regarding recovery i gained a lot from reading it so I'm gonna share it hope you guys gain from it as well.

"A journey of a thousand miles"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"...and so does a journey of a single step, by the way. A journey of a single step also begins with a single step. The problem for me however, was that all I ever wanted in life was the thousand miles. I dreamed of traveling those thousand miles. I had no patience for a single step. Especially because no matter how hard I tried to string together steps, somehow, I never could make it a thousand miles. And so I stopped taking the single step. What use is there for a single step, I thought, when I know I will never make it to the thousand miles anyway? The way I was struggling, I could not even successfully make it three or four steps in a row, let alone one single mile. A thousand miles? Forget it!

Bottom line: The way I saw things, a single step without at least a second, a third, and a fourth step in succession is a waste of time, a waste of a single step. Isn't it? Quick answer: No it is not. It is not a waste of time. it is not a waste of a step. I will tell you why soon. But first I would like to share with you a little of my own journey towards a change in attitude...

Having just read what I have written above, you probably will not be surprised to learn how (with my pessimistic attitude) I became one of the very best there ever was in this program at getting nowhere in recovery. Actually, I excelled at this for a very long time. I was well known for it. I was the person in the group your sponsor would point to as "Exhibit A" for what you hope to never end up like.

What I think is important to point out here, is that my failures were not because I did not go to meetings. I went to a lot of meetings. My failures were not because I did not make a lot of program calls. I made a lot of phone calls. But there was one prevailing attitude, and old idea, that I needed to let go of and change in myself if I was going to have any chance to get well. I was going to have to appreciate and celebrate all the journeys of a single step. All the little victories, as insignificant as they may have seemed. One day at a time, one step at a time. Wherever I was in the moment, whatever I could accomplish, however brief, short-lived, or insignificant that success seemed to be
(to myself and others), I was going to have to learn how to embrace my efforts. I was going to learn how to embrace the journey of a single step and let go of the journey of a thousand miles.

No more journey of a thousand miles for me. Now I was going to embark on a journey of a single step. I was going to learn that a journey of a single step begins with a single step. And I was going to learn that when I take that step it is a single step well worth it. Whether or not there is second step, or third step or fourth to follow, it no longer mattered in my life. No, I was not tricking myself into traveling a journey of a thousand miles. I was genuinely learning to appreciate every moment, every victory, and every step for the accomplishment it truly was (and still is).

Do I need to tell you the end of the story? Or do you already know it? Indeed, I began having
multiple journeys of a single step ...in succession ...one after another. I progressed to where I could travel 5 journeys of a single step ...in a row! Then 10. Then 30. Then 180. And along with 180 journeys of a single step, came a 180 degree change in my life. After 180 journeys of a single step, something new woke up within me for the first time. After that I knew, I knew! That if I choose to keep taking and embracing the journeys of a single step, I can (potentially) travel a single step - forever. Me, Mr. Hopeless. I let go of my lifelong dream to take a journey of a thousand miles, and I traded it in for a journey of a single step. And guess what? One day, not too long later, I looked back behind me (for just a moment!) and I saw that I had long since passed the thousand mile marker. Long since passed. And I never even realized. Go figure.

 Freilichen Chanukah
 Love Yankel

Hi chevrah here is a little update on my journey

I'm continuing to go to live SA meetings almost every day and switched sponsors today to a brand new sponsor who is single like me and just yesterday celebrated 4 years of sobriety.

the honest truth is i am totally lost and not understanding how exactly this program will keep me sober for so long, but as my sponsor told me it's not your job to try to understand everything nor is it your job to worry how to remain sober. My only job is to reach out to people, pray to god, and take directions from my sponsor and do as I'm told so I'm trying very hard to listen, share and connect with people without trying to control my program I'm learning to completely let go control and trust the program something I'm really awful at. But if the program gave my single sponsor 4+ years of sobriety and countless others in the room 5-20 years of sobriety maybe theres something here............

 Love you all yankel
 Your sick addicted friend