This is my first time posting on this forum
though I’m not a stranger to addiction 
im trying to find some accountability for my behavior even if it is anonymous:
in short I have no emotion called love.​i only love desire and only if it’s free and easy. I don’t love anyone, not even myself and definitely not my Creator. 
I enjoy other people’s pain and lack any sympathy. 
Ideally I would love to grow a heart. 
I would love to scream to HaShem that I love Him and I’m going to be better but I can’t do it. 
I’m emotionally numb. 
So im trying to get some accountability finally. Im not clean, and I have no idea how I let this happen to myself. 
I feel like All I Love is desire and lust,
i cant function without my ‘stuff’. 
I keep thinking that if I just get my lust fix my life will be manageable and of course it’s not. 
Ive stopped trying to surrender to a higher power so now I’m surrendering to the forum. I’m powerless against this lust. I know I can’t fight my desires so I’m asking the group to forgive me and lead me back on the narrow path I abandoned so long ago.
please help because I don’t want to be dead anymore.
sincerely and truly,
dead man walking 

Welcome DMW (dead man walking)

Maybe you need a DMC with dov or your therapist

You sound like you have a good handle on your emotions
Btw, are you married? There's no love there at all?

Today....very little.

Reb golem! Shalom! 

Very interesting. I have a friend who actually says this to me all the time. "I'm a dead man walking".. He claims he has no emotions. Zero. Once I started screaming at him and insulting him, and wow did he get offended. So I said to him "so much for a person without emotions"..

Anyways, I am far from the right person to comment on such situations, I just wanted to give you a warm and loving welcome. And maybe share a true story. 

There is a rabbi in EY named R' Nuchim Diamond. A father once called him up hysterically, saying that today he realized he literally hates his son. His son always made loads of trouble and the father always thought that he is angry at his son because of his bad behavior. Today he came to the shocking and very painful realization. His wife added that although she doesn't hate her son, she totally understands her husband and doesn't love him either. It was impossible to love him. The man was in tears. So the rabbi explained to him that true love comes from giving. The more you give to someone, the more you will love him. So the rabbi suggested that he should start giving for his son even if he doesn't feel like it. 

After a couple of weeks the rabbi followed up with them, and the man said that he has been giving for his son a lot, and although love is not there yet, at least the hate is gone. After a couple of months, the man comes back and relates. My son got cancer L"U, I was forced to be by his bad side all day long for months, and give him every ounce of support and energy I possibly had. The process was torture, B'H my son recovered, and now I love him more than the rest of my kids. The rabbi said that sometimes just giving isn't enough, you need mesiros nefesh mamash. The only way for that to happen is your son getting sick. So Hashem gave him cancer for the sake of reigniting the love between the two of you. 

May Hashem be in your way!

Welcome!  It sounds like you may have underlying issues that need to be adressed.  Addressing those issues may help with the addiction as well.  Have you reached out for help to anyone (other than posting here)?