Thanks for your chizuk @loveu,hashem. (It also helped me stay clean tonight.) @robfloyd thanks for your thought's
I did a lot of thinking on the subject and both sides of the coin have very strong argument's which makes this a very tough situation. I have decided that i won't propose to anyone unless i have at least 30 clean days (we are holding by the 4th but hopefully with all of you guys help i will make it) (because if i can't even get that while knowing that my future is on the line that will mean i have a bad addiction and i need to go to SA b4 marriage) and i will share some of my feelings with the girl i'm dating (i think a good place to discuss it is while disscussing what kind of internet access would you like to have at home. I will explain why i'm firm about why the maximum i'll accept is a whitelist (don't worry i'll whitelist GYE!).and i think that way she will see maturity in me and how i deal with struggles. What are people's thoughts? 

30 days??? Woohoo!! ODAAT!! 30 days might sound intimidating (at least to me:blush:). I wish you great hatzlacha in your journey! Especially now that Yom Tov is coming, I am so afraid of these long days when we have too much time on our hands. That is a recipe for disaster! But if we focus on today and today only, we have a chance. When lust comes knocking we gotta tell him "listen friend, we've been buddies for years, give me a break for one day, come back tomorrow".. So please keep us posted how TODAY went by. 
(excuse my ranting, I am just talking to myself out load..) 

yes absolutely i will take one day at a time. and i will hopefully start with a new therapist to get myself all ready for marriage anyone has recommendations for good therapists in lakewood?

In my experience, i can not do this for marriage. I cant get sober for her. For our kids. For anyone else. It has to be for ME. That i want to get better, live a better life. Marriage can wait. Who cares what other people say. That, i need to get married. I can tell you so many reasons why i should get married right now and a couple of them would be game changers but I am not jumping the gun. I can not go into marriage without sobriety or recovery. 

At first my Rebbe told me to get 3 months of sobriety in SA before I start so obviously a big motive was marriage. I asked my sponsor and he said no and then it really hit home. That right now my life is unmanageable. I need help. If i cant stop masturbating by myself, then how am i going to take care of a wife. Give her what she needs, love her, care for her when my mind is on her chest. That doesnt seem like a good marriage to me.  

Thank God, i have been in SA sober for just over a year. I work a daily program. Speak to my sponsor often, attend meetings. I am very grateful to God. My life has really gotten better. I do not need to masturbate. That will not help me. But, I am not rushing in to marriage. God forbid.  

@dmz1234 regarding your first point i totally agree you are right i have to stop for ME because i'm done with wasting 1/2 of my life doing something that just causes me to feel depressed for the other 1/2 of my life, I'm done not being involved in this world because of being too busy stuck in a stupid imagination world.
regarding your second point about waiting to get married while i hear the argument, the other side of the coin is just as strong as I'm living in a basement all by myself the triggers are extremely strong when i am alone like that, that you have to be a real malach to fight, but you are right there is no perfect option in my case... so i guess after 30 days of being cleaned i'll decide which route to take...

Here is my update b'h I'm still clean, but over yom tov i've been feeling extremely down and depressed which is causing me a lot of confusion is this normal? Or is it that now that I'm not using masturbation  to calm my fears it's causing me to get depressed or is it just the stress of going back home for yom tov (there is a lot of emotional baggage in me going back home) anyone have any insight? Because i'm really worried that i'm falling into a chronic depression (i don't even feel like masturbating) which is extremely not normal for me. I'm really lost and confused and I'm not comfortable opening up about this to anyone. What do i do?

Yankelthefighter wrote on 08 Oct 2017 05:56:

Ah Git Moed, Yankel,
The only one who can answer this question is yourself. You should probably go to a therapist.
It is normal to start feeling your emotions. You used to numb the pain with your drug called masturbation. Now that you are weaned off the drug, the raw emotions remain. How serious those emotions are, and if you got the skills to deal with them on your own, is something only you can answer.
Hatzlacha Rabba

Hi GYE friends, baruch hashem i'm still clean I'm doing it by concentrating on ODAAT, regarding me feeling down and depressed i started exercising nightly and going out with my friends and baruch hashem i've been feeling much better..... its been a process but I'm determined that this time iy'h i will do it! Has anybody found CBT helpful in dealing with this addiction has i think by me the addiction is my way to hide my emotions as such CBT might be better in my case than 12 steps anybody have any thoughts on this? 

Thank you for the update! Kop! I'm happy for you that your pulling through ODAAT! Keep the spirit alive ווייל ס'ברענט (at least in me)

Chag samiach Yankel!

@loveu,hashem thanks for the constant chizuk i see you have 25 clean days that's great, anyways b'h i had a great yom tov (which is usually an extremely hard time for me) and that moves up my count to 16 days ODAAT! I've been feeling much better and more involved!

I must say it hurts me when I hear your story and I understand you because I have suffered and to an extent still now from a similar situation. but I can tell you what I do at times when I want to do what is right but feel I cant. I talk to hashem from the depths of my heart and pour out all my feelings and I tell Hashem'' that I want to change but I don't know how to and at times my temptations are so great that I don't really want to change so please guide me'' and talk to hashem as long as it takes and let out all your feelings,- all the guilt all the humiliation and feeling low of yourself, and worries of the future, and so on. 

" I'm really lost and confused and I'm not comfortable opening up about this to anyone."

You are drowning and someone tells you that you need to get into the lifeboat.  You say, I'm not really comfortable in lifeboats, any other suggestions?

I'm afraid the one suggestion you do not want is exactly the suggestion I would suggest .

Take the plunge.  You will feel much better afterwords.  This problem really thrives in isolation and just opening up is a HUGE step in recovery.

Reb Yankel, having just recently turned 22, and today hitting a milestone of 50 days. I go to therapy that uses IFS, very similar to CBT. I also have a lot baggage from the past. I was advised by rabbiem not to do 12 steps for now. Please feel free to reach out to me at safelykodesh@gmail.com. 

Hi guys it's been a while since i posted so here is an update b'h I'm still clean ODAAT that makes it 26 clean days, just a question how do you guys deal with open internet access at work because that is my biggest struggle now as i'm sitting by a computer the whole day (selling on amazon) and always some tempting pictures come up any suggestions? 

Yankelthefighter wrote on 24 Oct 2017 17:53:

Are you an addict? No clue
If you're like me, start with a filter

If you tell me it's a work computer and company won't allow you to install filters or chrome extensions, pls give me your boss's number and I'll take care of it - thanks