Hi i'm 21 years old i went to a top yeshiva in lakewood then to the mir, and now i'm back 1/2 time yeshiva and 1/2 time working and heavily involved in shidduchim and i'm looked at by my peers as a real geshmake guy who is too energetic for full time yeshiva as such i'm working and a kid who  is enjoying life to the fullest. but that's all on the outside, on the inside i'm a kid who has extremely low self estem i'm struggling with depression (not interestes in davening learning going to work but i go anyways because i have a reputation i have to live up to) and watching inapropiate things and masturbating constantly (it doesn't help that i have internet for work) as i'm heavily involved in shidduchim i'm terrified at what the future has in store for me, i've opened up to rabbeim and therapists but i never fully disclosed to them the level that it is. they just think it's because of my circumstance that i'm struggling but it's been 4 years of hell at varying  degrees. i need help ASAP

yankelinpain wrote on 29 Sep 2017 00:34:

Hiding things from your wife is a baaaad idea. Good thing you have a therapist and Rebbe to speak to - many don't 

A good place to start practicing honesty and openness is with your Rebbe or shrink or Dov, Cordnoy... They won't bite you. Your wife may cv. I don't think you want that to happen. 

So get on the kappara bandwagon today :-)

Hi thanks for answering but i'm not married i'm single and working (my family lives out of town) and i'm in a basement by myself and i feel kind of lonely as my friends are real yeshivishe guys who will be full time learners i don't feel i have anyone to truly open up to and even my rabbeim i've opened up a little but i feel if i really open up it could damage my shidduchim. Plus i'm not sure they are really understanding me.

Yankelinpain wrote on 29 Sep 2017 02:01:


​1. I was referring to your future wife. Please reread my post

2. I have disclosed to my Rav and no damage was incurred. Many people have shared with only positive results

3. Dov and the.guard were dealing with a girl that was seeped in lust and she didn't want to share with her chassan because she didn't want to mess with the shidduch process. Is she right? Probably dead wrong. It's more damaging for shidduchimto stay pornificating, than the unlikely fallout of disclosing to another guy

Perhaps call another unmarried guy here if you like. They can help you - Shlomo24, dms1234.
I haven't heard if they bite, but I'm not sure. You'll have to ask them

Hi! I so relate to you. 

I was going to start dating last elul but i just got into recovery in june (2016) so i put shidduchim on hold and it still is on hold so i can focus on recovery which really is the most important thing right now for me. Honesty is crucial here. I didnt find real help until I got real honest. For me, i told my rebbeim and they were good about out. One of them actually told me to go to SA, which i did.

I moved back to America from Israel and i havent told my rebbe here yet. I dont think i need to yet until i start dating. I think it is important for him to do that i have these struggles. I have to be honest. I have to accept who i am and where i am right now (which isnt evil) But to be honest, i am going to speak to sponsor soon and ask him if i should tell him right now. 

In any case i like the honesty approach. I dont think i am going to every get better with lying. Also for your info, there are several guys in recovery who after being sober for some time and growing in their lives started dating, told their wifes and got married! 

Thanks for your reply i opened up a little bit more (still not 100 % fully) to my rebbi tonight. And he told me that he believes that a lot of my struggles are because of my situation (in a basement far from home, no friends who could understand me as all are real yeshivish) and i have open internet access at work. So i have tons of triggers to get depressed and struggle But he told me a lot of people get married in worst situation's and he things waiting is more dangerous in my situation but i should open up a little bit (very little) to the girl's later during dating and see how they respond. Plus he feels i'm extremely aware so if i keep struggling after marriage i have already someone i feel comfortable with and then i should stress about stopping. He is my rabbi i hear where he us coming from but on the other hand i worry i'm really confused.....

@Dms1234 are you in Lakewood, i might be open to going to SA but i'm scared of who i will see 

Welcome!  You may want to check out Dr. Sorotzkin.  I have a link to his site in my signature.  Check out his article on "the psycological factors in acting out".  He has other good stuff as well.  The first thing I would recommend is to be totally honest with your therapist (and perhaps rav).  Your therapist cannot help you if you are not being totally honest.  I know it is scary, but being 100%  honest is the gateway to recovery.  Check out the handbook and keep posting.

I will be in Lakewood for sukkos! We can go to a meeting together, i hope to go on Tuesday! I'd love to meet up with you! They usually like to meet with newcomers by the way before the meeting so let me know.

You can email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com 

I started going through Dr. SOROTZKIN's stuff, I've really been enjoying it do you know of any therapists that use his method?

Thanks @dmz1234 but i will be going back home for Succos also after speaking to my rebbi he thought my main problem is stress deppression and boredom which is whats leading me to watch bad things and masturbate he recommended i go to a therapist that deals with depression and stressing at this point as opposed to SA any good therapists someone could recomend for me in Lakewood? I will like to start after succos?

Reb yankel shulem alichem!

I'm a new here so it would be foolish for me to offer any real advice. You gotta talk to the seniors. But a warm welcome is always due. This place is great! There are many great people and everyone is ready to offer an ear and a supporting hand! Such warmth. Being a single is a harder struggle. Since you don't have what's called פת בסלו. It also compounds your depression, loneliness and boredom, which as you mentioned are your main triggers. That is way it might be a good idea to get married. That is not that marriage will solve your problem, but rather will offer you a solution if you're ready to work on one. Staying single and clean? You gotta be a malach to do that! 

Another great remedy is to keep on posting here! It does wonders!

gmar chasima tova! 

Thanks, Yes here is nothing like feeling i'm not alone in my struggle. Thanks to all for all the help, please keep it coming i feel much calmer heading into Yom Kippur. Gmar Chasima Tova! And @loveu,hashem that's what my rabbeim have told me as well but i'm just struggling with how do i give it over by Shidduchim i don't want her to feel deceived.

Reb Yankel,

I hope you had an uplifting Yom Kippur and may you merit a successful and clean year! Today by mincha we read in the Torah כמעשה ארץ מצרים אשר ישבתם בה לא תעשו וכמעשה ארץ כנען אשר אני מביא אתכם שמה לא תעשו ובחקתיהם לא תלכו.. ושמרתם את חקתי ואת משפטי אשר יעשה אתם האדם וחי בהם אני יהוה. It's hit me how only when Hashem talks about illicit sexual relationships does he feel the need to emphasize that be restraining ourselves to only what's designated to us, we will truly live. Nowhere else is this term mentioned. 

Anyways, back to your struggle, I truly understand you conflict and can relate to it as well (hey, I haven't gotten married too long ago..). From one side, for you to grow, you better get married. On the other hand, in your current state, had the girl truly know you, she wouldn't marry you. There's a famous joke about this old nerd in shul who never got married, claiming that he doesn't wanna marry someone that is so crazy as to wanna marry him. But he's the deal; had you truly known the girl, with all her flaws and shortcomings, I can almost promise you you wouldn't marry her either. Most singles, girls and boys alike, are self centered individual who have seldomly ever sacrificed anything for others or truly worked on their character. And that is the point of marriage. Marriage gives you the opportunity to work on yourself (if you choose to do so). It is ok to come into marriage as a raw individual, that is why you are indeed getting married. Since we are both raw individuals, let us get married so we can transform ourselves together. Getting married struggling with  porn is as deceiving as getting married self centered. It's is the way we are created, most of your yeshiva pals struggle with it too, and the most effective way to give it up is when married. If she expects to marry a malach (that is a bachur who doesn't struggle with porn etc) she is living in a big illusion. 

That it not to say that you shouldn't start working on yourself now. Just the opposite. The more you watch, the more addicted you will become, the harder it will be to stop. All I'm saying is that waiting might not be a wise idea.

I hope i added some clarity (it definitely helped me stay clean tonight

These are my $0.02.
The GYE site is full of stories of people who were struggling and thought that marriage would cure their problems. They found that it only made things worse. They were still struggling and had additional stress with coping with marriage. If you have a real problem, marriage will not solve it. At the very least, you need to understand how serious your problem is. You also have to be completely honest with your prospective wife. If you believe that this prevents you from shidduch dating, then you first have to work on your problem. It is a big mistake to marry someone when you are hiding a big secret from them and you cannot be completely honest with them.