Should I post or not? What should I say?

Hello, guys!

Iv'e been around on this site for a couple of months as a guest, (a bechina of megalatefech, mechasa tfuchayim), it took me a fall on erev RH to decide to take this more seriously. I have been reading post after post, and I'm overwhelmed by the warmth of this beautiful community. I looked with kinah at the members with 900 days clean (like codorny) and the likes. This is unbelievable! I used to wonder if in this day and age, there are still happy and genuine selfless people in this world? After listening to the first of Dov's 12 steps program (by the encouragement of kv18) I saw that there still people in this world who truly Love Hashem! It's amazing! Mi K'amchu Yisrael! 

I was a bit hesitant to share my story. Es chatui ani mazkir hayom; in the past I used to like coming here mainly to get turned on by a juicy story. It was generally at the time when I was in a clean mode so I would' nt go straight to porn, but I fooled myself by saying; hey, this is all kosher, where can I go wrong... 
But I guess this it is the minhug here, Uleoilam al yafrish udam min hatzibur.. (please excuse my Hebrew, I am typing from a computer (B"H NO SMARTPHONE, thanks to my dear wife) so I don't have a Hebrew keyboard)
I am married regular guy, part of a larger Chasidic community; living and masturbating.. (did I mention porn?) I haven't done anything beyond porn B'H, so I assume my battlefield will be somewhat smaller. But from the other side, I can't really say the reason I'm here is for I "hit bottom". Cause I didn't. So far, my wife has no clue about any of this. I started masturbating at 12, bought a smartphone at 17 while in yeshiva, discovered porn and acted accordingly. I dropped my smartphone before I got married but bought a tablet instead. After a year through marriage, my wife urged me to drop the internet in the house, being that it (the internet, she doesn't even know about porn) destroyed our productivity and our connection. I followed her advice, and it had been one of my smartest decisions, of which I take great pride. Before getting married I stopped watching porn (regularly, although I did fall 4-5 times) from like 4-5 months before till 2-3 month after. But then it all fell apart. Since then I have seen ups and downs. The ups sometimes can last for 3-4 months, but never more. In the down times it can get pretty bad, like 2-3 times a week. My relationship with Hashem has been constantly improving in the past 2 year BH, and that has been a big push. But it was never enough to stop me completely. So here I am. 

It appears that this site is very addict oriented. I am a little unclear about the exact definition of an addict. Does everyone who watched porn on a regular basis an addict? That seems absurd. So am I an addict? Does it matter?

Ok, enough for my first post. Thanks again guys for this wonderful place! Every comment of every chaver will be a big help! May we all be zocha to a successful year in every aspect and grow in our relationship with Hashem, our wives, and kids!

Yitz

Welcome brother

You gotta listen more to dov. His clarity is amazing

As I understand he defines Sex Addiction simply - like any other addiction. For example Alcohol. Many people can enjoy a beer or 2. Some can get drunk on Purim and Simchas Torah and not any other time. An addict however cannot stop and once the 1st sip is downed it's downhill from there

I don't think I'm an addict. But the tools for breaking free are not 1 size fits all. Many can gain from the same meds that addicts take. For a very small minority a big Taphsic fence is sufficient. But it's not for most of us.

You're on a good road pal

Keep on Trucking ;-)

Just cause you only did this and not that could mean you are an addict, A periodic drinker could also be an addict. I have only done porn and masturbation and I am an addict. But maybe you are not. 

In any case welcome! 

Welcome!  There are many on this site who are addicted.  There are many who are not.  There are all sorts in between.  This site is for anyone who wants to stop any acting out activity.  I wouldn't worry about the addict label too much.  Check out the handbook.  It can be very enlightening.  Keep posting here.  It is an amazing chevra willing to listen, help, offer advice, or just clown around with a good joke. 

Thank you guys for the warm welcome. You guys are a true source of aspiration! 
@DMS especially you! What is your secret? the gemara says

אמר רבי יוחנן: שלשה - מכריז עליהן הקב"ה בכל יום: על רווק הדר בכרך ואינו חוטא,

Still learning new techniques on this site every day. My favorites are ODAAT, and KOP! Yesterday I had a visitor knocking on my door, I ran to the post office:relaxed: , started posting away, and by the time I was back he was gone! What a miracle. I hope to be able to post every day, and I thank you chaverim again for listening and being by my side.

May Hashem be in our way!!

Cheers!

I have issues. Sometimes it's stress, sometimes it's because I'm extremely behind at work (like now), or I just had a fight with my wife, and I'm not feeling good about myself. I have two options; face the problem and try to solve it, or distract myself. An example of solving the problem is working on my betuchon, actually getting to work, or apologize for my wife (and maybe buy her a little treat (that's her love language at least)). The second option would be running away, leaving the problems as is and just forget about it. The best place to run away is porn obviously. But the more we run away the bigger the problems usually get, the more we need to run away, and the cycle never ends.

This is my problem and the problem of the porn era. Sex was always and will always be around and is a big driving force in what we do, but never served as an escape, a place to take cover from our problems. On the contrary, we had to work really hard to obtain it. Pleasing a girl ain't easy. But with the accessibility of porn, I have abused it and it becomes a plug to fill all my holes in life. But the more I use it, the more holes I get, the more I need it..

My lust doesn't need to go away, I just shouldn't abuse it. Sex shouldn't be filling voids in my life, only solutions should. So the next time I am under a lust/porn attack, I will try take a deep breath and think from what am I trying to escape. Then I have to gather the kochas to actually solve the problem. Porn will always make the problem worse. Case in point. I am extremely behind in work right now, but instead of actually getting things done, my lust somehow rationalized to me that my best course of action will be to waist another 2 (?) hours watching porn. REDICULOUS.

Just my rants. I wish you guys a clean day TODAY!

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 03 Oct 2017 23:41:

It was always used as an escape.

HatzlachahHatzlachah to you and to all.

Hi friends,

its been a rough few days, I fell twice last week. My main problem is that I currently face extreme amount of pressure at work (which is partly my fault since i have been very negligent in the past few weeks) so I use porn as an escape from my problems. Posting somewhat increased this problem because the only way for me to post is while at work which mean more work undone. Should i put on a filter? maybe. probably. but i doubt it will help. (probably just my YH lame excuse, but anyway..). So here's the deal. next time I feel An urge I will have to log on here and PM one of the chaviram online for 10 minutes before i can proceed. preferably one of the more successful truckers.. Sounds fair. I probably will do a thaphsic on this. my first taphsic was too hard for me so it didn't work out. but this feels easier (and probably more productive).   I will keep you guys posted how that works.

Thank you all for collectively making this site happen and keeping it going, this place is SO amazing!!

Yitzchok

How about calling one of the chevra?

Hmm.. I'm not sure how ready I am for that yet. I guess I will see if chat is effective for me. Thank you for your suggestion, I liked what you pointed out on one of the posts recently about having a list of what to do when lust knocks. I liked that idea! I will do that IYH tonight. Are you doing the 12 steps program?

No, but there are definitely many benefits with 12 steps.

So, what works for you??

Hi brothers,

The prophet Yeshayahu says:

(בעת ההיא יובל שי ליהוה צבאות עם ממשך ומורט ומעם נורא מן היא והלאה גוי קו קו ומבוסה... (ישעיהו יח ז

In those times (of the Messiah), a gift will be brought to Hashem. What kind of gift? Our people, which the prophet describes as constantly being lured and enticed by other nations to join them in their misdeeds (ממשך), which ends up wearing them out (מורט). Our people, being in such a low state, drawn into joining the world with all its schmutz, which leaves us worn and torn between falling and getting back up, fighting and surrendering, such a people is the greatest gift for Hashem. The prophet goes on. Who will be able to deliver the gift? It will come from our people, after it has experienced the magnificent work of Hashem from now on (ומעם נורא מן היא והלאה) (hey, never look back, brother!). A nation that constantly, over and over again, hopes with anticipation and confidence for Hashem’s care and salvation (גוי קו קו), while surrendering and admitting defeat over our own battles (ומבוסה). In other words, in order for us to bring ourselves, with all our struggles, as a gift for Hashem, it has to come from us once we experienced Hashem’s wonders in our lives. The way for that to happen is by surrendering to Hashem completely, looking out for him and his care repetitively (קו is mentioned twice). An addict’s story in recovery. Sounds familiar, anyone?

Don’t get yourself wrong, Yitzchok; you are far from anything like this. FAR! But nevertheless, finding it so clearly in the words of Hashem is encouraging to me, and maybe to some others as well, so I figured let me shares it with my wonderful buddies on GYE.

(BTW, my interpretations are based mainly on the commentary of the Abarbenal.)

Cheers to a clean day!

I only wish to share my experience. For me saying "i will do this before i act out" never works! Like log on to this forum or even call a friend before I act out because even though i may do make the call or do  50 pushups or whatever, usually i dont. Why? because lust is more powerful than me. If it wants to, it will always beat me. If i want to look at porn that badly, i probably wont make that call. Thats why those proclamations dont help. I cant control lust. 

What helps me is avoiding lust at calls AND working my recovery program from the time i get up in the morning until i go to sleep which includes calling other members and asking God for help

@dms thank you for sharing! But how does recovery help you when lust hits? What do you do??