After many years of struggling I feel like i have to share my personal story.
It all started when I was about 25,when I saw porn for the first time. I always had a very strong desire to watch porn but never was able to get to it. When I was a teen I used to look at catalogs and encyclopedias but that was as far as it went. From the first time i was exposed everything changed. I can't describe what i went through the next 5 years of my life. Every time I was alone I was on the internet watching P. I had a filter on the computer but back 8 years ago the filters were really not reliable and I was always able to get around it. I always went to sleep the same time as my wife so I was never able to watch porn at night, but what used to happen was that I used to wake up 20 minutes later with a crazy desire. I would go to the computer and spend there the next hour or so. What happened afterwards was that i wasnt able to focus at work and I was so miserable. There were times that i would drive in my car and cry so badly about my situation but the most I was ever able to be clean was for a week or 2. I remember once being up for 2 hours in middle the night, and the next day I was so upset i was driving home from work after a crazy day and was talking to hashem and crying so badly. when i got to a red light I took out a tehilim and begged hashem for a sign that he will accept my teshuva, and opened it up and it went to kapitel 51 which is so appropriate for such a situation. I cried even more and was sure that this was my last fall, but 2 weeks later I was back to the same place. I didn't succeed in many things that i should've been able to and i knew the reason was my porn habit, but i felt trapped. there were many times that I felt that the only way I will be able to be clean is if I get rid of the computer or have a better filter with a white list. My problem was I never wanted my wife to know that i have an issue and i was sure if i tell her that i wanted to get rid of the computer that she used for work at home she would assume that i was watching bad things so instead I was just living my double life in misery for several years.
I was suffering for about 5 years when i couldn't take it anymore. I came to realize that it wasn't that i was a plain bal aveira that just needs to learn more mussar. I knew I was heavily addicted. I would wake up in middle of the night and my heart would pound and i would feel forced to run to the computer. There were times that i would be away from home and my wife would tell me she was going away for 2 hours, and my heart would start pounding and i would just need to run home. I knew i needed help but i didn't know where to go. I started searching online and of course every site that had forums about porn addiction was blocked. I didn't use my capabilities to open these sites, so instead i suffered with no where to turn. I never told anybody about this, because i was sure that i am going to be able to get over it by myself and the person i spoke to will for ever look at me as an addict.
Once after a major fall i knew i must do something. I called a referral agency and i said i am dealing with a person that needs to go to therapy for porn addiction. They referred me someone very good and i called him and made an appointment. when I told him my situation he asked me have you ever heard from guard your eyes website, and I told him no. He told me this was the most amazing place and should check it out before I come back next time. Of course my filter blocked it as well and I was so embarrassed to call to request them to open it, but I did it anyway. I right away signed up for the 90 day chart which i did in my first try. I can't describe the happiness that i had, and the new life i got. I felt like a new person. Suddenly everything that had to be done just got done. its now 2 and a half years since then and even though i had some falls I know how to get up and be strong. I just finished again 90 days clean and this is the most amazing feeling. It is still extremely hard at times, but i now know how to struggle. I have no words to thank the amazing work of guardyoureyes, and thank hashem for finding out about it.
The only thing that really bothers me is that there is not enough advertising done. I think to myself as soon as i would make enough money i would donate an enormous amount just for advertising. I think about it everyday what can be done to make every person know about this. I also would hope that all the kosher filters should not block guardyoureyes. Who knows where i would be today if I wouldn't be able to come over my embarrassment to call to unblock this site.
