Just checking in. I feel pretty good. Been fighting the lust. It still gets to me but I haven't acted out. It's really strong at times. The old thoughts beckoning me in like an old friend waiting for me to return. Crazy. 

Very normal for the subconscious to head in that direction. It takes a while to reprogram the brain. Just keep doing what youre doing and iyh you will break free.

Is it really a matter of breaking free? Is there a threshold? It's not 90 days for me because that failed multiple times well after 90 days. What really is the goal? Something to think about. 

The goal is one day at a time. Someone who has the serenity to approach each day positive and hopeful that Hashem will help him stay free has already broken free. He is not living with that anxious yiush'dik fear of falling, battling lust on an hourly basis.

Regarding falling after 90 days or any extended period of time, maybe others will disagree with me, but I view it like someone who is working on controlling anger, speaking loshon hora or similar and from time to time slips. They now are able to tell themselves they can last long periods of time and hopefully extend those periods of time.

In summary, the goal is to be out of the clutches of lust, anxiety, etc. Of course the ultimate goal is to be able to lokk back in our old age and say we b'ezras Hashem did our very best and utilized whatever tactics possible to stay clean.

It seems like there isn't a clear threshold. Obviously it would be foolish to have one because that would mean being stagnant. That's never good. Is there a point in life that people like us reach "normal"?  A time when things are less enticing and we are not moved to acting out when we used to? Not everyone deals with these issues. Once we do, for whatever reason, will we always deal with them? 

First of all, normal is a relative term. Those of us in society that our idiosyncrasies are most similar are considered normal.......

But to answer you. Tonight was slichos. For slichos I happen to daven in a very big shul that has a very intense davening. Being that my main trigger is stress/anxiety it happened tonight that the matzav of slichos triggered me. I looked around at this big crowd of people and said to myself, "Here I am by slichos of all things and I am getting close to having an erection! Noone else here is going through this. I am crazy!"    But then I thought the following, "Could be I am not the only one - probably I will never know - and who really cares. This is my challenge, accept it and go on."  With that I went back to slichos with asking Hashem to please spare me from it getting worse.  Will this happen again. Most probably yes, and probably on those intense davening days coming up......... So I would love to tell you that whatever your issues are will eventually be gone, but especially at this time of year we don't lie.....  But I can reassure you that it does get easier as you develop the knowledge and strategies we are given here at GYE.

So the answer is no. I accept that and am at peace with that. I will try to do what I need to do in order to live a "normal" life. Regardless of what other people say or do. 

Just to clarify, people throw around "breaking free" or "sobriety" too loosely. There is no such thing in the simple meaning of the words. I understand that they can mean different things to different people. For some it may be not watching porn every time he feels stressed. For others it may be being really good at watching their eyes. 

Isn't it misleading for people to talk about it like there is some magical point in life where you are "free". That one day it will be like nothing ever happened. Maybe it's unintentional but some people talk like this.

I just spoke to my rebbi, the same one I opened up to in Beis Medrash. Set some things straight. One thing that I came to realize is that things are very specific to each person. I don't fit into categories that most people look at lust and sexual issues as. I don't relate to classical "addiction" or more mainstream יצר הרע or תאוה. At least not one or the other completely. It's probably a mix of both. There are so many factors, that labeling would be irresponsible. I only need to find what works for me and work towards being better. Going into יום טוב I need to show ה׳ that regardless of the past or present, I am trying to be better. This reconciles any differences in the way you look at your issues. Long term, I will try my best and find what works for me and keeps me feeling the best about myself.

Whether you choose the classic addiction path or תורה path or a both or neither this should be the mindset going forward. Everyone should have a meaningful ‏יום טוב with clarity of mind.  

It’s been a bit since I’ve been on the forums. I have been good and haven’t fallen. Some days I just want to give in to my old friend that whispers in my ear at just the right times. It would be so easy, like nothing at all to just go back to those days. The main thing that keeps me in line is the knowledge that if I do give in, it may be the end of me for a very long time, maybe for ever. It’s a twisted mess of perfectionism and my drive to do the right thing that keeps me going. I am scared to go back. I would completely out of control trying to make up for all the months I’ve missed while I was clean. Who knows how long it would last. 

Whatever it is, it keeps me clean. Now that I have that buffer, I need to actually work towards being better in general. I want to take a more active role and get a better grip on the situation. I can only do what is mine to do and I need to figure out what that is. 

Wow - Amazing!!

Gr8 to see you back!!

Hi all. It’s been a while since I have posted. I am still clean. Had a few rough weeks where I was feeling really down. I wasn’t going to minyan and was just feeling really edgy and rebellious. I didn’t fall or even really slip though. 

I had this idea pop into my head randomly. I thought that I should make a system of charts for things that I fell I should be doing. I would need the rewards to be worthwhile and realistic at the end. It took me a few days to put it together but it has been going very well. Most importantly, I feel very good. I have been getting up for shachris and learning a good bit since the start. We’ll see how it goes. Even if I’m only doing it for the physical rewards, the results of actions are great both physically and spiritually. 

I have been increasingly busy with work which is good. 

All in all things seem to be coming together. Slowly but surely.

abd297 wrote on 17 Sep 2017 05:08:

i think you will think differently after marriage ,,im yirtzeh Hashem in the right time,i know marriage  doesnt solve  everything  ,but it sure does help

Could be. I have heard more compelling thoughts against what you are saying than I have for what you are saying but it obviously depends on the person and situation. 

Hi guys, just need to vent. I need to do something soon that has always been a major trigger for me. It’s completely normal and mundane but it’s just a major trigger for me. I know why and the details aren’t important. 

This has brought up a lot of old thoughts and feelings. Before when I wasn’t trying to stay clean I would just masturbate afterwards until I was temporarily satisfied. Now I have no such plans and the pressure is crazy. I feel like I am back in that mindset. I have to stop myself from going through the old motions. 

I’m scared for a few reasons. Will I be able to control myself before and after this situation? Will I even be able to control myself during it? I have been in the same situation before and was always scared that this time I may not be able to pass this time. That would be devastating for a lot of different reasons.  

I will be davening that I will have the strength before, during, and after to control myself and not fall back. I have to focus on what I can control and let go of what I can’t. 

When I am in such a situation I find it extremely helpful to check in with a buddy before and after.
I remember a guy here a while ago that said that he did it every time he took a shower!

Hatzlacha!