Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 22 May 2017 03:14:

Ok, I've got a confession to make. I didn't either get it. I dug in to my toolbox and used one of my old investigative tools which has been dormant for a while. After accessing and scanning some servers across the globe. I was able to pinpoint the term to being loosely translated in Swahili as "No Worries". It became popular after being used in a song played in a certain movie bearing my username. I should really file for brand infringement.

I haven't posted on the forum for a while. I'm going to be honest, I was avoiding the forum. I have been slipping and walking at the edge of the cliff. I didn't want anyone grabbing on to me and pulling me away. Friday afternoon, I fell deep in to the abyss. I went on to the front page of the internet and browsed through porn. I have masturbated. I didn't even feel quilty when I climaxed, and I continued looking. Thank God, I needed to prepare for Shabbos, otherwise I would have probably masturbated again.
It took me over 24 hours, just to get up and brush off the dust. I'm still deep down but starting my climb back up. I am ashamed of myself.
At least I learned some lessons.

1. There is no plateaus in life. If I'm not growing up, then I'm automatically going down. I cannot become complacent.
2. I slip a while before an actual fall. (This time it was about 2 days) I must reach out to stop the slipping.
3. Masturbation and Porn affect my life and emotional wellness. I was in such a better mood the past month. It takes time to get back to myself. Even if I try to jump back on the band wagon.
4. Having not filtered devices isn't a good idea. Perhaps the 2 minutes it would have taken to get through would have served as a deterrent. (even though I doubt that this time it would have helped, taphsics wouldn't have helped me either...)
5. Installing a app that can access anything inappropriate, even if I don't want to use it inappropriately, needs to be a red flag.

Chevra, please don't hesitate to rebuke me, call me out on my fallacies. On the contrary, Get me involved in some heated debate so that I remain connected here. (Friday's discussion about Kedusha didn't do it for me...)

lionking wrote on 28 May 2017 07:43:

All these lessons sound great to me but I get the feeling you knew them all last time also. 
I cant believe you have this level of clarity only this time round.
Until you have a really good reason to remain sober - fences are there to jump over.
What are you going to do now to stay sober.

GS, Thanks! You are 100% correct. I knew most of these lessons ages ago. Until approximately 2 months ago, I haven't even tried being sober. Of course I tried to stop hundreds of times. However I didn't have a plan. It was like the story of the wagon driver getting stuck in the ditch every single time again... Recently I learned a very important lesson. I might be misquoting, something to the effect of: "The opposite of sobriety is loneliness" or "The opposite of addiction is connection". This time around, this lesson really hit home. I was in a time warp bubble, I didn't notice my slips. I was just down on myself and wallowing in self pity. Next think I know, I'm masturbating. My defenses were down.
Regarding what I am going to do now. First item on the list, I got my devices filtered already, so at least I should have that fence.
Second, I will connect to people and reach out when I feel down. I don't remember in past a time that I fell randomly without slipping before hand.
Third, I will keep up a connection with people even when the going is good and not get complacent. Daily tefilla for protection.

lionking wrote on 28 May 2017 10:14:

Great! Growstrong613@gmail
im here and willing to help soundboard and feedback 

Lionking, I'm sorry to hear about your fall. Wishing you hatzlacha in finding your road forward.

eslaasos wrote on 28 May 2017 16:51:

Ditto!

Keep on Troaring!!!

Lionking thanks for the 5 points. I probably knew a lot of them in the back of my head. Thanks for bringing it to the front. there is a Gra that says humans are not angels we are either growing or falling. It always bugged me why cant we just stay on one level. Your first point really shed light on my question. I am sorry to hear about your fall, don't let it get to you though. Wipe off the dust move on and let out a roar. 

Lionking, great that you filtered your devices. Besides the obvious benefit of delaying the ability to fall, you will receive a bigger dose of help from Above. So many rabbonim, roshei yeshiva, and rebbes have declared as much.   Also great to reach out to live people, and as you write, not just during a nisayon. You can PM people from here who you feel comfortable contacting as well as speaking to a rebbi etc. Hatzlocha. We are rooting for you.  

Sounds like you're doin' swell.

KeepKeep at it.

B'hatzlachah

Thanks everyone for reaching out. Just a quick update, I'm BH back on track. My irritability levels are returning back to were they were before this fall, and I am barely lusting all day.
Wishing everyone a Freilichen Yom Tov, and a proper Kabolas Hatorah.

I'm BH over a week past that fall. I past my 7 day speed bump, were I get hit with an urge exactly a week later every time. I am noticing more the little lust details, for example Shavous, I took a quick peek at my Sister in Law, who mind you is very modest, and fantasized how she and her husband are intimate. It was a fleeting thought, and thank God I stopped right away. There were other small slips on the street. Seems like I have a fetish for modestly dressed jewish woman. I am grateful to Hashem that I am noticing it. Easier to stop, when you know what you are dealing with.

lionking wrote on 04 Jun 2017 11:07:

Its great how you are in touch with yourself. Knowing when, where and what triggers you will help you be prepared with a plan of action when the nisayon arrives. You can right away put your plan into action of how to distract yourself and escape the matzav. It's those first few seconds of the challenge that make the difference. If you are prepared and can immediately switch into "distract mode" you win. If you are unprepared, dont know what to do, well we all know what happens then so very quickly. Hatzlocha.

I'm back. I went through a couple of major life events, one of them being the birth of a healthy child B"H. It has been an extremely stressful time, but Thank God, in a positive way.
I found out a little secret about me, I don't need porn or masturbation to deal with stress. I can live with stress.
I'm going to need support, once all the excitement wears down, to manage the long postpartum separation period.
Only simchas by all of klal yisroel.

Mazel Tov!!!

You were / are / will be missed