Friday was a really not good day. I definitely wasn't living life. I was tense and stressed and screamed at my kids. Then I was feeling guilty for doing that. It was a roller coaster of emotions. 
Before Lecht Tzinten, I made a kabala to try to be better. I think I was mostly successful over Shabbos.

Looking forward to a better week.
Gotta live...

Friday was a really not good day. I definitely wasn't living life. I was tense and stressed and screamed at my kids. Then I was feeling guilty for doing that. It was a roller coaster of emotions. 
Before Lecht Tzinten, I made a kabala to try to be better. I think I was mostly successful over Shabbos.

Looking forward to a better week.
Gotta live...

lionking wrote on 31 Jan 2021 14:29:

Its a line I've been seeing here recently, about the need to live life.

What exactly is living life?

Hakolhevel wrote on 31 Jan 2021 19:07:

It means to live life instead of living sex. Meaning not going through the motions of the day, and calculating every action based on sex.

Example:

Open eyes. "I wonder if I'll have sex today. Modeh ani..."

"Good morning honey!" - I think she looks happy today, maybe there's a chance.

I'm starving what should I eat for lunch? Maybe I'll get Shevi's favorite, she'll probably be so grateful, I'll get some tonight.

-Supper time: "Hi I'm home!" "Oh! Hi Zalman, here's the baby please feed him, I have a headache, I'm going crazy, the kids are acting retarded and my boss is a jerk!" Oh no. She probably won't want tonight.

There's still hope. "I'll help, go lie down." Zalman feeds the kids (for sex), bathes them (for sex), goes to maariv.

Thinking- forsure she's gonna jump me, I worked so hard, I'm literally the best husband! Opens bedroom door, Shevi is sleeping...she turns over. "Hi, please put the soup into the fridge. Thanks. I'm bombed g'night. She turns over and promptly falls back asleep.

"%$#@& - &#%$^ - %#*$%"

Next day: Open eyes. "I wonder if I'll have sex today. Modeh ani..."

Etc.

I wonder how this guys doing...

I think Shlomo24 said it all when he wrote that change requires change.
And Shteeble said the truth when he wrote that if it's important to you then spend time on it.
And I agree w Tiger who wrote that opening up to a safe person who understands is the way to go.

All that stuff says to me that if I look at how I conduct myself during the years of acting out, I will learn how to do things right...by basically doing the opposite. Isolation is king when I act out. Heck, even when I'm not acting out, the worse I feel the more I tend to isolate. If I am lusting or angry or sad, boy do I make myself lonelier by trachten un trachten, etc. and 'figuring it all out'...cuz after all, nobody can really understand me, right?

So if I wanna get right, then I need to do the opposite and start learning how to make friends, how to share myself without cleaning off all my dirt first, and to practice doing those things. Thinking about them will not help me. Thinking is a great part of my problem itself because it increases my fantasy of self-reliance and 'salvation through havonah' - and those things lead to one thing: more masturbation (in private, of course). 

And I have learned that fake named friends are not really real friends. So what you really need ain't happening here staying on any forum. But it's a sweet intro.

And I have learned that self-honesty is the fruit of being honest with others. Kind of like na'aseh venishma works...counter-intuitive. The silly brain tells me that I need to first be fully self-honest so that I will know just what to say to others...and that's a lie.

So, continued hatzlocha you are on the path with us knuckleheads!  

I fell last night.
I constantly fool myself in thinking I can go on without the support of the forum or email/text.
This plaque breeds in isolation. Gotta stay connected.