Grant400 wrote on 18 Jan 2021 01:13:

Woah, are you a Navi or something?!
Actually I feel like a mouse now. Was trying to hide in a corner. Didn't think you'll see me sneak in to read your story.

I fell badly last night. I watched porn which I haven't done in a while and masturbated. In retrospect I know what led me to it, but I'm not looking for excuses. I'm looking to get better. 

I don't have time to really post tonight. Will try to update tomorrow.

Thanks for checking up on me. Really appreciate it!

lionking wrote on 18 Jan 2021 01:36:

Hiding will be counterproductive... falls happen to the best of us , let's get out of hiding and try to focus on positive actions that will help us get up and stay up with the help of Hashem... one day at a time 

DavidT wrote on 18 Jan 2021 02:21:

You speak the truth, but rarely have we come here because our mind and heart are in sync

lionking wrote on 18 Jan 2021 01:36:

Ahem.

Grant400 wrote on 19 Jan 2021 01:46:

Ahem Mir Beiten Ale

Thanks Grant for checking in on me and making sure I'm still alive.

Unfortunately I haven't been feeling well this week. I was physically not well and also stressed out about some issues.

I always find it more challenging when my immune system is down.

Thank you Ish MiGrodno for believing in me.
Ish MiGrodno wrote on 19 Jan 2021 06:43:


I need to believe in myself with the same conviction others have in me.

I'm a pretty intelligent fellow, if I may toot my own horn, so why when it comes to porn do I act so stupid?!

Why can't I just convince myself that this isn't me. I don't look at porn or masturbate. It's just not who I am or strive to be?!

Why should I go around feeling like a hypocrite, here is someone who doesn't use social media, doesn't go on to YouTube, doesn't look at secular or Jewish news sites, but yet goes on to porn sites?!

There was a long period of time, where I have BH developed a drop of a disgust to porn. I still struggled with masturbation and fantasies but actual porn was something I didn't do. I wish I can tap back in to that time. Now porn seems so sweet and enjoyable for me.

I need to look up to some great people here and learn from them. Someone like YeshivaGuy, Grant, the list is long, so many wonderful caring people out here.

As an aside which might be related, I noticed I have a hard time sticking to a regimen. Be it learning Daf Yomi, Saying daily tehillim, etc... I'm not sure why I find it difficult to maintain a daily schedule.

Any ideas or suggestions are welcome.

Thanks

Nothing much to add today. BH I'm feeling a lot better. Still stressed out about something's which I need to take care of, but not getting around to doing.

My stomach was hurting me this morning, which made me think about masturbating. I don't know what the relation is, it was just a thought. B"H I didn't do anything.

Have a good day everyone!

lionking wrote on 20 Jan 2021 17:28:

I saw this post yesterday. I think it sums it up perfectly. 
Shteeble wrote on 25 Feb 2019 01:23:

Yesterday I had a really intense day. Was busy at work for an extremely long time. I came home drained and with pent up tension. 

I broke my commitment to not watch anything, and watched a clean movie which I had already downloaded on to my phone.
I don't feel bad about it. I think it was the right thing to do at that time, instead of trying to go to sleep and twisting and turning and ending up masturbating.

Feeling ok today. 

New chapter = New update

lionking wrote on 21 Jan 2021 17:19:

Ur a special man. Keep shteiging and keep posting 

Grant400 wrote on 25 Jan 2021 02:26:

I guess I need to post multiple times a day in order to finish reading the story quicker. 

I don't have much time these days to post. I barely get around to read the other posts.
I'm still here. I'm not running back into my cave to hibernate.

I really need to make the time to post more often. It's what has helped me in the past.

Lately the forum has been busy and I barely have time to read all new posts, let alone post anything myself.

(GYE, please fix the app to allow someone to read more than 7 pages of posts in recent topics.)

A lot of good conversations. Changing, I appreciate your thread, even though I disagree with some assumptions you have. Perhaps will post a longer post a different time.

I fell 2 days ago, but BH no porn and I was successful in refraining from touching there even though it was so tempting. I spent time with my wife that night without sex, I fantasized about it in the middle of the night, which let to me being mzl. 

Last night I had an urge to masturbate but held myself back as a zchus for Rabbi AJ Twerski. I gained so much from him over the years.

I am still stressed these days with a lot of work to do, and I am still not feeling so well physically. I know these are recipes for disaster. I need to keep sharing to stay focused on living.

p.s. Grant, Thanks for the email.

Hatzlocha everyone.

The app unfortunately leaves alot to be desired...

Your posts fascinate me. They don't reside in the typical all our nothing, rather while you lament your losses, you are celebrating your wins.

Friday was a really not good day. I definitely wasn't living life. I was tense and stressed and screamed at my kids. Then I was feeling guilty for doing that. It was a roller coaster of emotions. 
Before Lecht Tzinten, I made a kabala to try to be better. I think I was mostly successful over Shabbos.

Looking forward to a better week.
Gotta live...