Hi

Thanks for taking the time to read...

I have been suffering with this addiction since i was around 11 years old.  Thats 19 yars of constant shame.
In yeshiva i opened up to my mashgiach about my troubles but after an initial chizuk i was too embarassed to keep telling him i failed.  I have been through periods of my life when i am mechazek myself often during ellul or soemtimes when things go wrong in my life.  The chizuk lasts varying amounts of time but always when im nichshal i return to being oiver these aveiros on a regular basis.  In yeshiva i once went 7 weeks, last ellul until erev succos i managed to abstain and just recently it was 4 weeks.  However it never lasts. 

I have by nature an addictive personality, when im in a routine i can continue but as soon as i veer away i spiral out of control.

I have 2 grogeous kids and an amazing wife KNH (who knows nothing of these struggles) and i feel like such a hypocrite.  I have made good advances in other areas of my ruchnius but somehow everyhting seems to revolve around this.  When things are going well im learning before shachris not missing a tefilla and trying my best to be shomer torah umitzvos and when im in the grips of this aveirah im waking up late missing davening/chavrusa and generally depressed with life.

I know what i could achieve  without this hovering over me and yet i still cant rid myself of said aveiros.  Im at a loss!  Im aware of what it does to my neshomo, i know the punishments i deserve but i just cant stop.  I feel that one day when i go to Shomayim any good things i did in my life will pale into insignificance when compared with the amount of times i have committed these aveiros. 

I always thought the reason i keep failing is becasue of a lack of emunah.  I spent the last year working on that, i have finished shaar bitochon a few times and heard loads of droshos about emunah but to no avail.  I am a slave to my addiction.  Its like my yetzer hora is toying with me and i am yet to find any answers. 

Binyomin

Welcome brother!

Join the club and come on trucking!!!

Welcome sir,

Sounds very much like many of us/them.

You'll fit in nicely.

Welcome Binyomin,
You are not alone, there is a group of guys here going through similar issues for many different reasons.
You can breathe easy, you will find most of the answers you need here on the site.
Take some free time to read through the GYE handbook if you have not yet already done so. Take some time going through the GYE 30 Principles
Of the many tools you will find here on this site, bringing the problem out into the open and out of isolation and sharing it with others in a similar boat is a great first step.
Read up on the various ways that many here have managed to stay clean for amazingly long periods of time by participating in the forum.
If you are dedicated to stopping, know that it is possible.
Most importantly.
Keep on Trucking.

GrowStrong wrote on 05 Apr 2017 16:02:

Great welcomin' post.

CopyI it someplace and welcome all newbies with this, especially now that the good doctor is AWOL.

I welcome you as well.

welcome i can relate to much of your story 
1st of all you are not a hypocrite just a jew with a struggle 
it also sounds like your letting the aveirah hover over you it may have nothing to do with the aveirah
wishing you a pleasant journey you"ll make it 

needhelp28 wrote on 05 Apr 2017 14:18:

Are you me? Wife, 2 kids...
This sounds exactly like me. Learning 'fore Shacharis. Or nothing at all
All or nothing.

You must be me.

Re your last paragraph: for me it wasn't a lack of emunah. It was a lack of sanity. In building my sanity, I believe I have established a bottom-line Emunah: That there is a Higher Power who can do this for me. 

me too only + 2 kids

Welcome!  Check out the handbook.  Your story and feelings are common here.  What are your triggers?  What stresses are there in your life?  What trauma big or small did you have as a child?

Usually, compulsive acting out has deeper roots.  Working on mussar is not addressing the core issue.  Are you anxious, depressed, lonely? 

You are among friends.  You have taken a very important step by sharing your struggles.

I can relate to much of what you wrote.  I acted out for over 20 years.  Now I'm 7 1/2 years sober B"H.  A lot of people have been helped here.  You can be too.  Don't ever give up.

Welcome Binyomin,

Wow!!!!!!!!!

First post so strong!!!

1. Thanks for your post.
2. how do you know me so well, that you literally wrote my story, with some minor changes?
3. Keep it here, there is much hope here.

Have much of Hatzlacha

Thanks everyone for your kind words

Truth is i dont see myself beating this.  Im not fishing for words of encouragement just being open and honest.  I might go on a run for a while and feel like im the frummest guy in the world but i know i will fall.  Its no longer a matter of if...

Filters are useless in my opinion.  Its like confiscating a drug addicts money, he will find a way.

I have K9 on my cpu - useless, i tried something on my phone - didnt work, only served to mess up my phone.

Its only the second day and im struggling.  Its alot easier to accept your fate then fight it and thats kind of what im feeling like right now.  Even if i hit 90 days and i know i wont it wont matter because at some point i will fall and when i do it will be big.  it hurts the most when you fall from a  hight. 
Part of me doesnt even believe the people that have numbers like 550 days clean etc.  If its true that you all relate to my years of struggle, that you too have spent so much of your lives doing aveiras and then almost the rest of it regretting them, then i just dont beleive you have beaten this thing with will power alone.  Maybe you have got older and drives have diminished  or maybe you are so busy at work that you just dont have the time but as far as i can see i would need to be super human to stop this and im just not.



Benjy

needhelp28 wrote on 06 Apr 2017 20:52:

It's true 
My will power never stopped me.
and there's no magic pill 
But there is a magic elixir of several key things which include digging deep into ourselves to address the person inside us who is using pron and masturbation and all the other stuff to medicate and subdue our feelings instead of facing those feelings and thoughts.
step zero is stop.
today you stopped.
deal with today.
reach out to a few of those guys who put their email in their signature and have years of sobriety 
stay now out of isolation and start to share 
harbeh hatzlacha

People much worse off than you have been in recovery for years.  Do you want to be in recovery?

Afiloo im timtzah lomar that you will never stop permanently, does that mean you shouldn't do the best that you can?

If you are doing the best that you can, you are an oiness on anything beyond that level.

Do you think Hashem made a mistake when he gave you this challenge?

Did he create you with a neshamah doomed to sit in Gehennom forever, with no way out?

Of course not.

So what, then, does Hashem want from you?

To start the process. Nothing complicated. Just try. One step, than another, and another.

You can't do anything more than what you can do. And that is the best you can do. And that is the only thing Hashem wants from you.

Welcome Benjy/Binyomin/Needhelp!!!

Welcome aboard!

Stick around and listen to the words of the wise above.

Keep up the good work!!! KUTGW!!!