Hey

I joined this site a few days ago hoping this would be the time I changed my life for real. I have been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember although finally admitting that I was has been a more recent development. I am still getting used to the idea that something has been able to grab such a hold on my life and I have such a hard time letting go. I am married almost 3 years and i have a 1 and a half year old son. Until recently I though that porn wasn't effecting my marriage and that I could still be a loving husband and watch porn but I have finally accepted that such a thing isn't possible. I have been acting cold towards my wife and she thinks its her fault when its completely my own fault. i am ready to break free and I am hoping with the support of the other amazing people on this site I will finally turn my life around and have a better relationship with my wife and kid and be a better person. In the very short amount of time I have been on this site I already feel better knowing I am not alone and I have a place to speak freely about something that can potentially ruin my marriage and my life. Thank you all so much just for being here and making this site possible you are all changing my life for the better.

Welcome,

Some sound realizations there.

Recovery should be with hatzlachah

Reincarnation?

Lol yeah except I have hair,but actually that was the idea when I picked the name I figured who better then him knows about cleaning a though mess 

You didn't click on the image i posted, did you?

I didn't just thought u were posting a pic to go with the name didn't realize it was a link but I am not that person if that's what u are asking I just joined a few days ago for the first time 

Welcome. You're in the right place.

First of all please take time to read through the GYE handbook.  No two people are the same, everyone has a slightly different set of circumstances, but we all share this problem and since we share the problem we can share the solution too. The book is written in a general way so it can apply to everyone. I found it helpful to really think about what the book was saying and how it applied to me and my own life.

This is a very common problem nowadays, you're far from the only one to deal with it. The word addict gets thrown around quite a lot, but most people who struggle with this issue are not addicts, just normal people with a normal yetzer hora. Which is good. Some people have come to realise that they really are addicts because their situation got gradually worse and worse despite working on it. When I say worse I mean, in frequency, severity or just feeling worse after every slip. If that is the case we may need more than GYE, which most people find to be therapy or SA or both. But I wouldn't jump to that conclusion about you. Many people have overcome this challenge right here on GYE using the tools in the handbook.

So stick around. Keep posting, keep reading and keep on trucking.

welcome mr clean may we share clean simchos together

I hope I am doing this correctly by posting my questions here and not in a different forum topic. I have a wedding coming up and weddings in general are a problem for me with all the girls dressed up making it hard for me to control my mind. In addition being that I am still getting used to not fulfilling my urges I know I am going to have a harder time stopping myself from looking and I am nervous I might fall and lose the progress I have made. Anyone have any ideas or suggestions on how to deal with this situation? 

Mr clean wrote on 09 Feb 2017 04:39:

Mazel Tov 
Your sisters and your wife will be there too 

Do you prefer they dress in rags with mops on their heads? 

Yeah I know... it's Purim in the air... but I'm trying to make a point.
Maybe I didn't  try hard enough... 

Mr clean wrote on 09 Feb 2017 04:39:

Welcome to GYE. Hatzlocha rabba. We are here to cheer you along. By joining and sharing your challenges you took a big step towards recovery. Plus you get to see that many nice normal intelligent erliche yidden have struggled with these issues and have been successful.

Regarding the wedding, there is a lot to say, but please first let us know - is this a close relative or friend or not? 

Welcome! 

Chew on Markz's insights. There's a spark to be found.

Do you use the word "addicted" colloquially, or are you convinced you're a bona fide addict?

This is a family wedding one of my cousins is getting married. As far as rags and mops (lol) I am not saying I would prefer that, I am just being realistic with myself that for me such an environment at this time might be a stumbling block and I would like need some tips on how to control my thoughts if possible. In terms of calling myself an addict, I am really not sure what other word to use for someone who has been watching porn for almost 10 years and has tried multiple times to stop without success. I might be less of an addict and more someone who struggles with his yetzer harah but I have been dealing with this since I was about 16-17 and I am 26 now.

Welcome!  I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.  As far as the wedding goes.  Stay at the chosson's tish .  Seriously.  Is it a separate seating wedding.  With a little planning and committment, you can probably do a much better job than you think.  Try to minimize the nisayon as much as possible, and psych yourself up beforehand.

You can even commit to writing on the forum how it went.  That will give you additional motivation to come back with a good report.

These ideas are for the one situation.  Obviously, there is more work to be done in general.  Read the handbook.  Stick around.  Check out the dov quotes (link in my signature).

I wish you all the best.  Keep on posting.

I would like to explain why I asked whose wedding it is,and iwould like to add to the great advice from Gibbor. Many weddings now are simply social obligations and Boruch Hashem there are so many. These simchos are opportunities to be gomel chessed with the baalei simcha (see Bartenura who gives this explanation)  In such cases to decide to temporarily avoid such simchos in order to allow you to stay away from nisyonos until you are more in control would be recommended. You can spend extra time at the aufruf or at a quiet sheva brochos (and your presence will probably be more noticed and remembered) If you are buying a gift write a handwritten card with some extra brochos and good wishes.

In the event of a relative/friend's chasuna, it's all in the planning. Make sure to arrive at a quieter time. Stay by the men's kabolas ponim (even though for some reason they serve better stuff by the kallah!)  Unless it's your or your wife's sibling nobody will notice if you don't dance the chosson into the badeken - so don't!   If you are present by the chupa obviously find a seat far from the aisle.  After the chupa stay off to the side with someone you can have a good schmooze with while the chupa area clears out. If you are comfortable bringing a sefer to a public place, learning off to the side will work too. If it is a wedding where the kallah along with the entourage come into the men's side during dancing, believe me Hashem will forgive you for not dancing in front of the kallah.

As Gibbor suggested, knowing that you will share on the forum your experience will be a shmira of sorts to keep you focused and on course.

May Hashem help you (and the rest of us) get to the point where attending a simcha will be completely joyful and worry free. As an aside, the great tsaddik Rav Elya Lopian zt"l told a bochur going to a simcha, "I am an old man (he was in his 80's at the time) and almost blind - but when I hear the footsteps of ladies walking it ignites my yetzer", so in reality it's a lifelong challenge.