Hi Everyone,
I am a baal-teshuva but met a nice frum girl and got married 11 years ago. She got pregnant about a month after we got married and found the porn history when she was 8 months pregnant. After she gave birth she refused to go to the mikvah for a year. The routine went like this for X years till she was done having kids. She has probably gone 6 or 7 times since my son was born X years ago.
She has a long list of infidelities she likes to go though on a daily basis of a girl I talked to, checked out, thought about, or porn that runs almost 14 years.
So here I am.

Hi. Hang in there. 
You came to the right place.There is a lot of great people and amazing literature here to help you. The 12 steps and other tools really work. Good luck. 

Welcome,

SorryI to hear about your stuff, although I didn't fully catch the story.

What are you looking for from this group?

Welcome aboard!

cordnoy wrote on 21 Nov 2016 14:45:

Welcome. Sounds pretty tough. I echo the above question.

I grew up with a lot of the schmutz in my home, magazines and videos and my fathers infidelity from the time my parents had been married and my mother stayed for over 30 years.

I became obsessed with women since I was 13. Can't get them out of my head. School was pretty easy so I spent my time in chat rooms or porn, or if I managed to wrangle a girl with the same ideologies.

The lust consumes my life. My wife can't even move past anything since she is always looking over my shoulder, checking my phone, online, email, profile, linkedin, call log, contacts, pictures, she pretends to be me on facebook to see who I talk to, etc...

I even had a bad experience about 4 years ago, my heart stopped and I had pulmonary edema and had severe swelling in my brain. I came out of a coma, blind, coudn't move any muscles and my memory was gone, retro and antero.
My brain had to reset itself over the first year, but something weird happened at rehab, the girls faces started to shine bright. The guys were cool, but the women were exceptionally beautiful, every one of them. I remember from psychology classes that babies prefer women's faces, and my brain was just processing through infancy.

My wifes problem with that was I had a chance to start over again and I screwed it up so quickly.

And this isn't just a simple preference, its every girl, walking down the street, magazine, movie, anything... almost an insatiable desire... although I tell myself that there isn't any likeliness that this will result in anything meaningful.

Wow. That's sounds pretty intense. I feel really bad for you. What have you tried to stop?

Gosh. Refuah Shleima. That's a lot to deal with. 
Have you spoken to a Rav with your wife about things? Sounds like there's a massive breach of trust going on. And your addiction sounds extremely intense. May Hashem help you find recovery.

I do not have a lot of money, and anyone's first impression is that I should stop giving my salary to my wife. After all of the bills and the tuitions and camp dues coming up, there isn't anything left to take away from her and its just a moot point.

My wife generally gets angry since there isn't enough to buy something or pay something on time... and that makes me equally frustrated.

I am hoping that joining this group and the accountability and the 90 days (hope that she decides to go to the mikvah at some point within the 90 days) will get me back on track.

Darling brother

my impression from your posts is that you have been acting out for the last few years

If your wife is witholding sex from you because she feels

1. You're unfaithful
2. When you're intimate with her, it's to fill your lust needs

Then perhaps she's justified.

Are you separating from her? Why would you cut her benefits?
If anything, up her allocations, start treating her better, since she's your partner for life. She could've dropped you ages ago. 
Many of us have found that when we work on our marriage things improve

Work by yourself on your sobriety as you began here and you can find tremendous relief

Later down the line you can consider your intimacy situation. But for now? Dov says a few months of no sex for some guys is actually a good thing. It's easier for you to do that than for some other guys. 

Even better try to reach out to Dov or some other sober gyes here

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!!

I give my wife every penny that I earn, I have barely enough to get back and forth from work. She just gets upset when there isn't enough and there is nothing I can do. I cant pull money from thin air. I work two jobs.
Secondly, I counted and she's gone to the mikvah 9 times since 2011. Last current time was June and that was only for the two months prior.
At this point its just depressing. Since I came on this site and promised to go to therapy and pay more attention to her, she seems to be more positive. So I'm going to go with this and hope for the best.

It sounds really tough, dude.

I don't like to tell people what they have to do but I'll tell what I think is advisable. Your addiction has turned your life into a vicious circle. All of got addicted to pornography because we used it as an espace mechanism. There was always something we wanted to get away from: school, work, bad marriage etc. Some of us just don't have the greates social skills and were afraid of normal social interaction with others and resented them. At some point we decided porn is a great tool to nest inside our heads where it's safe.
The more porn we use the more we get obsessed with it.
This we can fix by gradually lessening our use and thus our physical dependency on it. But we have to fix the underlying problems in order to stay sober. THerefore 90 days isn't going to magically transform your life.
You should read the big book and the white book. Send me a PM and I'll send you.

90 days streak helps many of us...

If you need the big or white book it's avail 24/7 on the Free Truck Towing page HERE

Mitgaber wrote on 27 Nov 2016 15:35:

So don't.

Mr all for God, you promised to go to therapy. That is a good move. Let us know how that goes.

B'hatzlachah