I just joined and will give a bit of my story here. I am 43 years old and have been struggling with this since I am about 12 years old. I lived a very abusive childhood and I trained myself to use this as a release. I now use it for any stress I am under and sometimes just for relaxation. I always say I am going to give it up but just cant. I do watch TV shows on my pc, I don't have a TV, and use that as a release as well. Frankly since I have been doing this so long I am afraid I cant live without it and don't know how I would go on without it. On the other hand I am married I have kids both older and younger and feel 2 faced hiding this from my wife. Also I work from home (I never use my companies PC but I am near my computer all day) and sometimes are down times and I am not so busy and then its even harder. I don't know what to do and need direction and help I admit that, but again I am also scared to let it go - I have had this for years. Please help. 

I have more to this story but this is my intro. Please help. Thank you.

Welcome Mr Abc!

Welcome,

EveryI time I worked step four, I always wrote down and expressed my fear of sobriety. I still fear it, but it sure beats the alternative.

B'hatzlachah

Welcome,
Thank you for sharing your story and i hope you find what you are looking for. Just a few thoughts on what you've shared: Take it one day at a time, maybe the rest of your life without it seems unbearable, but what about one day? have you taken any precautions in the past? 
Interested in hearing more about you and your situation

Welcome

Your story and the years of self abuse is more common than you think.
The fact you have relied on it for so very long will ultimately make your life of recovery all the sweeter.

As for help, no one wants to smother you.
Keep posting.
The wisdom and direction will come from the give and take.

As for the warmth and understanding that you got immediately.

Welcome!  You are not alone.  Keep sharing.  That can be a big help.  Did you ever get help dealing with the abusive environment you grew up in?  We like to say that acting out is the solution, not the problem.  This seems to be an example.  You used it as a solution to another problem.  Learning other solutions can be very helpful.  There's lots of material here.  Start with the handbook.  Hang around the forum.  It's a very nice chevra of people dealing with the same problem.

Hi thanks for your response. I wanted to ask you, you mentioned therapy which I think I need. Are there any therapists/lists on this site on how to get in touch in with one etc. Are they free b/c frankly I dont know what I can pay right now? Any info would be helpful.

Thanks.

I hope some others will chime in because I don't know a lot about that.  I know some people have found therapists (or even a good rav) who have been able to really help them.  A good friend can also be a big help.

There are many who have not found therapists helpful.  It's a mixed bag.  Finding the right therapist for you can be challenging, but also very rewarding if you find a good one.  Hatzlacha!