Hello dear brothers,

הודו לשם כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו

I’d like to share gratitude to Hashem and to all of you. Not so long ago, I felt totally beaten, hopeless, and depressed. After four years of;

- so called רוחניות therapy to learn how to fight my yetzer haro

- paying thousands of dollars for mashpiyim

- countless discussions with my wife trying to convince both of us that my acting out is part of history

- thousands of טבילות in mikvah

- buckets of tears during davening

- not having contact whatsoever with any women

- not watching a single movie

after four years of that I found myself out there again, back to square one, or should I say square zero because this time I crossed lines I never have before.

God could and would if He was sought, and today I’m a living example of just that, I joined SA because that was my very last straw of hope but I didn’t really think it’ll work for me, the longer I was going to meetings and still acting out the more convinced I became that I’m beyond repair, I’m a defected product, there’s no hope for me and sooner or later I’ll jump off some bridge and get out of this miserable mess of a life. Everyone in SA was talking about prayer and how they felt connected and that God listens but I didn’t even have the willingness to pray so why would god care…

And then the miracle happened.

After one meeting a member said to me “forget about praying – just ask”, these words for some reason made sense and I started doing just that, asking god to “please give me the willingness to get sober” – that’s all I did besides going to meetings, twice a day I’d ask for willingness.

Without getting into all the details, God gave me the willingness, I got a sponsor, started working the steps, daily readings, daily phone calls, daily praying – yes praying  , and believe it or not (I don’t), I made it to 90 days without acting out!!! Yes I’m still an addict, and yes I still feel like giving up some days, but I got so many blessings in my life, I now know my place, my life finally makes some sense, I feel hope, I don’t beat myself up anymore,  I can be honest with my wife about my hardships, my marriage is in a better place than ever before (even without sex 8 times a week), my kids feel that taty is there for them, and so much more, I’ll never finish writing if I list them all.

All I can say is THANK YOU!!! Thank you Hashem, and thank you all dear brothers for being there for me when I wasn’t even there for myself. Nothing more to say.