Nice new avatar YFM. But...

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 14 Dec 2016 22:09:

Good question!

I'm defiantly not the giant, but trying to convince myself that I'm not the guy being squashed either....

Don't feel like posting at all, hate sounding like a loser and a cry baby, hate bothering people with my sh*t, but heck, I'm gonna do it anyway (sounds familiar....?).

To make a long story short, I'm down in the dumps, but deeper than ever before. Sort of a wound that was covered with a very strong bandage for a long time, the person feels that the wound is taken care of, but then one day the bandage starts peeling slowly and it turns out that the wound not only didn't heal but it also got infected, the more the bandage peels off the worse of an infection is discovered. In my situation, people who really meant my best (but had no clue what they were dealing with) put a very strong bandage on my addiction, I was seeing a therapist/mashpia who worked with me for a year and a half, he worked on my sholom byes, he worked on my connection to my wife, he worked on my mitzvas, he worked on my davening, on my learning, on my kedusha in the bedroom, on my emuna and what not, but my addiction was never addressed.

The bandage started peeling first time I found myself sitting by an unfiltered computer, I slipped via porn and masturbating after 18 months (longest streak ever), and it kept on peeling more and more, another time at computer without a filter, second looking on the streets, taking my kids to parks etc, each time I slipped the bandage peeled another bit.

Fast forward a few years, the bandage is pretty much totally off by now (I hope so), and my addiction not only didn't heal but it got infected, and the more the bandage is coming off, the worse of an addiction I'm facing, it's taking me now to places and making me do thing which I haven't done before the bandage was on in the first place.

So where am I going with all this? Not even sure myself. I feel totally lost and hopeless. I already joined SA, got a sponsor, wrote down my step 1, going to meetings, making phone calls, asking God to give me the willingness, but I still keep on slipping down the slippery slope wondering when I'll finally hit bottom so I can start real recovery.

TFLMS

There are always new bottoms....Don't wait for it to hit you in the face.

I hit many bottoms.

Sorry to hear that it's tough.

 keep doin' what you're doin'....it sounds like a real good plan.

We are here to "listen".  I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time.  Feel free to "talk" it out.

Hello brothers,

Didn't post in a while, I was totally back in active addiction these past weeks, crossing new lines and reaching new bottoms, but God did for me what I couldn't have done for myself.

Two days ago I was at a SA meeting in the morning but didn't even bother sharing anything because I felt like it's a lost case, I was hooked up and chatting with a few girls/women via FB etc, I had an unfiltered smartphone in my pocket, had a google phone number that was linked to an accounts which wasn't exactly easy to delete and these women had that number, and I've been acting out the recent days twice daily, overall a huge mess, and worst of all was that I didn't have the willingness to even pray for the willingness to get sober.

I felt hopeless and depressed, I knew that this disease will eventually kill me one way or the other if I don't sober up, but I felt like there's no stopping it.

What should I tell you, I am now sober close to 2 days and it's a total miracle.

Sunday afternoon I was chatting on FB when suddenly out of the blue, without any warning whatsoever, my account was disabled, I was like "God, nice move", but I still had the unfiltered smartphone and continued doing my thing on other apps/websites, I then masturbated again and felt like I was gonna jump off a bridge. The pain, the feeling of helplessness and despair finally hit and it was so great that I felt there's no way I can go on like this another second. With FB account closed and the powerful "right after acting out moment" I deleted 3 google accounts and called a fellow SA member to come over and take my smartphone (I took out the battery and set up a password before I gave it to him).

I didn't act out since then, and it's God who did it for me. I'm very grateful to finally feel like I'm on the recovery path again and I hope that God will keep me on this path this time because I simply cannot do anything about it, this disease is way too powerful for me to take it on by myself.

TFLMS

  I feel for you brother

Hey we've been missing you!!

Markz wrote on 24 Jan 2017 18:28:

Being in active addiction and on GYE at the same time don't seem to work for me even though I'm an expert in leading a double life.... 

Perhaps you can explain to us mortals how you know that it was God doin' this for you (disregardin' the fact that God does everythin'), especially due to the fact that you deleted three accounts, called an SA member, gave him your phone and had somethin' password protected? This sure sounds like you took a lot of recovery steps.

Well done YidfromMonsey.

I have been where you were.

My new tactic is to plan on an hourly basis, rather than day by day.

To say to myself 'For the next hour, I will do such and such."

I find when in the grips of intense addiction that planning day to day is too long a time period.
Sometimes I even plan on a 10 minute basis.
Stopping every 10 minutes and asserting to myself I will keep clean for 10 minutes.

Hi YFM. Man you have a lot of pain. We are here for you and will never give up on you. You are doing the right thing by posting here, sharing it all and reaching out for help. Hashem will help you like He is helping all of us.

Thanks for sharing, YFM. I relate a lot to that story, almost all the parts of it. As a fellow addict and friend, I feel it is my duty to warn you of withdrawal. Because I did what you just did a thousand times and I acted out a week later. Be careful and take care of yourself. 

Hatzlacha.

cordnoy wrote on 25 Jan 2017 00:20:

Well, this could open a floodgate. When does God do anything?



Ugh, YFM... It sounds so heavy....
Great for taking those steps in the nuclear reset button mode. But as Shlomo24 hinted to, the willingness to stay forever clean in that stage is actually just the Yezter Hora trying to avoid pain. But this time it's not the pain of life that makes you seek lust. It's the pain of lusting and infringing your values that makes you seek life! But when that pain subsides, you'll just have the pain of life again. And lust won't seem so bad.

So keep posting here. We'll try show you how life ain't so bad either :-)

cordnoy wrote on 25 Jan 2017 00:20:

Well somehow my FB account was disabled out of the blue, I would never do the other steps if my FB account would still be live. 

ColinColin wrote on 25 Jan 2017 00:25:

YidFromMonsey wrote on 19 Dec 2016 20:03:


(One Temptation At A Time)