committed to change! wrote on 10 Oct 2016 11:17:

Your wife probably does know that something's not quite right.

Could you ask your Rav for advice on how to do what you need to do for recovery without upsetting or lying to your wife? I mean, how did you manage two lengthy meetings with the Rav without telling her?

My natural instinct was to fight off my urges. I would have never thought to surrender them. It seems counter intuitive to me. Surrender sounds like giving up. Truth is, for me I had to become a surrendered man in order to surrender my right to lust and to surrender myself to a program of recovery. I could easily relate to an analysis that going to SA would only feed into my double life, because I still thought that I could do it on my own, that I still had a choice and I couldn't imagine living without acting out. The idea of surrender was like giving up on myself and stepping off the edge off a cliff. However my experience is that when I finally was forced to surrender it gave me strength and I am now able to see that going to a meeting is stepping into the light and not hiding or living a double life at all. 

First of all, welcome to GYE. 

I am facing a similar situation in the sense that I seriously am considering beginning to attend SA meetings, but I'm not entirely sure how to work it out as far as my wife's knowledge of the situation goes (i.e. She doesn't know anything). 
You're assuming she will never accept it, but that's not necessarily true. Dov told me that one can expect the initial shock and pain of disclosure to last about 2 weeks, but that generally wives come around when they see that A) We are not bad, but rather sick, and B ) We are seriously committed to recovery. 
I don't know your situation and I'm not telling you to disclose. I think you should definitely seek guidance about this from more experienced people. But what I am saying is that while it seems like a scary prospect you should definitely consider that the best way forward may be to disclose to your wife in some form in order to clear your path for SA meetings. 

I'd like to know what you decide to do as I'm contemplating this issue myself. 

Hatzlacha!

Good idea, but I don't know if you need to get the wife involved before joining SA

Many others on this site have been going for long time without asking her permission. Cordnoy, Yesod etc..

The day you decide to ask your wife permission first to go to a specific porn site, at that time you can consider asking her prior to going to any meetings. Just my 2 cents

Markz wrote on 13 Oct 2016 12:49:

I was going to say something like that. We can act out in private but we can't recover in private. 

Hello and welcome. A lot of good advice going on here. As was mentioned earlier most would recommend not mentioning anything at this point unless you are counseled otherwise by a Rav or a professional. The mind is Very adept in giving us reasons why not to attend meetings (including my own mind). Even if she did know you still might have reasons in your mind why you shouldn't attend. There is a ton of pain involved when we reveal these kind of things to a spouse and depending on when we reveal it can mitigate that hurt a little bit.  Regarding your feelings that your leading a double life, if one were to seek out treatment for a medical condition it is  not contradictory if he does not disclose his condition. The main thing is that the treatment should help him. Think of the meetings as like going to the doctor when you feel under the weather. I hope it makes your predicament a little easier.

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 13 Oct 2016 08:08:

What he decides for himself might not be what's best for you.

For the record Markz, I went to SA meetings for a few months before I told my wife. During that time I told my wife I was learning with a chaburah - all true.

If your wife distrusts you so much that you literally can't get away for a one hour meeting, you really have something to work on.

Watson wrote on 13 Oct 2016 19:46:

In which case SHE should probably go to meetings also. 

Hi CTC!, I know you probably know this, but the most important YH to beat is the first one. Once we beat him that time we have a chance to say "later, I'll look later". With every second that passes and we beat him we are building our immune system. I like to call it practice. We are practicing for that moment he comes to strike us. We then put our "training" into effect and try to beat him. Every small victory is huge. If we've done something bad once or twice in a day, if we win that third time it can make a monumental difference. Find what works for you. What sucks you in, and what brings you back? Then we are on the road to recovery.

Good Luck!

Wow, YK5777. I really relate to your posts!  I'm going to have to start looking for them! Thanks.

TG

I "beat" the Y"H lots of times, but he beat me more, and I kept going down the path I did not want to go.  I found that looking at it as a fight.  I "win" he "wins" was not useful for me. I recommend cheking out the dov quotes link in my signature, and maybe the Dr. Sorotzkin one as well.

I had to start "fighting" smarter, not harder.  Avoiding the fight altogether is step one.  Repeatedly fighing is a segula for repeatedly losing .

Welcome!  I also could not tell my wife. Eventually, she caught me .  That was not any better than telling her myself.  Generally, the recommendation is not to tell until you are on a path to recovery.  If you are not on a path to recovery, chances are she'll find out at some point anyway.

Hi,

I haven't been in here for a while and only saw the responses now. I am really trying to stay sober but have had many falls in the past year and some clean streaks of a few weeks at a time occasionally. 

So far, I havent told my wife anything and everything is still the way it was and have not told her anything. I still often have the same temptations and drive to do things I shouldn't, but BH I have avoided any other relationships with women that I shouldn't be having!

Is this group still active at all and where is everyone holding?

Wow it sounds like a very tough situation i wish you much luck, i think you need someone to speak to on a constant basis about your struggle (a rav or therapist) to guide you, i could promise you you will never win if you struggle by yourself. Tell your wife you made a new chavrusa and open up to a rav or therapist you need help and you will never win by yourself. "Just my thoughts" and eventually you will have to open up to your wife b4 she finds out.