Hi,

I have been struggling for probably close to 20 years now (and I'm only 32)! I managed to stay clean for 18 days at my longest and that was around 6 months ago. I am now on day 13 of being clean again but really want to keep it up. I don't like who I have become and wish I didn't have this fight....it changes my moods, and feel like I am acting different to what people in the community think I am!

I could end up watching porn for hours online and waste my entire working day on it when I had other things to do. I also ended up getting into a couple of inappropriate relationships (which have now fortunately ended) but did get me in some trouble. I am married with one daughter and IYH another baby on the way. This has been a massive struggle in itself (both on our relationship and my addiction) as we have needed many rounds of IVF to get to this stage of having kids.

My wife doesn't know anything which makes recovery a lot harder as I have tried going to SA meetings but I always need an excuse where I am going otherwise I can't get out the house. Telling her is also not an option as she would never accept it!

I would be grateful to get some support and tips on how to keep clean for good! If I slip once, my yetzer horah just kicks in and says "I'll start clean tomorrow again" or "maybe another day as there are too many stresses today to deal with" or something along those lines.

Looking forward to hearing from others who have been in my situation. 

Welcome! 
check out  guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-Wall-of-Honor/124072-Dov-Quotes

You are in the right place! Here, we all understand exactly what you are saying and feeling. I wish you success in your efforts and when things are tough, we will all try to help!

Welcome! I hope you have much hatzlocha.

I want to ask something. You say that you wound up in illicit relationships. Now, I'm quite an introverted guy and have difficulty talking to anyone, even when I wasn't Torah observant yet I couldn't ever just "pick someone up", you know. So I want to know if this is just a nisayon beyond the realm of my personality or if I am susceptible to it as well Chas v'Shalom. So how did they begin? Was it in the beginning an innocent conversation with a coworker or something? What should one look out for?

Welcome! I have witnessed cases just like yours in which people recovered. There is hope. I understand the situation is complicated, have you spoke to a professional or a rabbi? 

Welcome! I have witnessed cases just like yours in which people recovered. There is hope. I understand the situation is complicated, have you spoken to a professional or a rabbi? 

I have spoken to my Rabbi and in fact I was made to see a risk assessor / therapist when I got found out about the inappropriate relationship that id been having!

"But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails, if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink.  Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!" Dr. Bob, AA. 

The most important thing I do for recovery is put on half the zeal I put into acting out. If I acted out for 3 hours, I put 1.5 hours into working a program of recovery. 

A little more from Dr. Bob. I hear a lot of people asking if the craving will ever leave. Here is his experience.

"Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me. But at no time have I been anywhere near yielding."

Thanks. It does make sense, however, I am trying to fight all the voices and justifications in my mind which are telling me 'just this once'.

Has fighting helped in the past? Also, what did the professionals advise you? 

Fighting hasn't generally helped for too long, although BH today I have managed to overcome my urges and to keep focussed and busy with what I need to get done in my office. 

With the therapist, there wasn't much advise but was more to see if I was a 'risk' to society (which thankfully I am not may I add!). The therapist has written a report to my rabbi following our two lengthy meetings and we have started reading through the report together, although got more to go through still!

When i have spoken to other people, they have advised me to join and stick to SA and start the 12 steps, although as I mentioned in my intro, going to SA just makes my double life even harder when no-one can know where I have been.

 "Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life." SA "The Solution"

serenity wrote on 10 Oct 2016 15:50:

I think that constantly quoting things isn't so effective. He looks like he needs actual ESH. What do those words mean to you?