I’ve been reading Gye emails for over a year now but never really heavily participated or been part of the programs etc. I always read from the heroes/big book that we are essentially sick etc. however I never really bought into that thinking they must be referring to heavily dysfunctional addicts. I always thought I had a choice in this and not really a "sickness" even after some pretty big falls of watching porn for few hours etc. Till.....
This morning I was in Selihot prayers and was sincerely praying to Hashem to be kind to us in a way of pity fatherly love etc. with true emotions especially for the sick people etc. It was a broken heart feeling that I have absolutely no zechut to request anything other than be like a beggar and beg to be treated like a son and be let back into father's house etc. Right in the oomph of this feeling a bad image/thought sneaks in to my brain. Normally this would make me quite angry and I would pray/finish faster to not have these thoughts creep in again, hindering my prayer. However I suddenly thought to myself here I am broken praying to g-d with purity, how could this image creep in? There was nothing that lead to it etc. and that’s when the feeling hit me. I felt the true sickness of my Nefesh. That even though I may not be a terrible addict, I am indeed "sick" for this thought to enter at this time. At this point I begged Hashem even more to heal me because "you see, I am really sick" just like the other sick people we know in hospitals. I didn't have any more bad thoughts after that, I guess the Yetzer Haraa plan was reversed against him in this instance (not that he gave up).