Hello.  I'm here.  I've had a long haul, gotten confused by too much exposure to too many ways of recovery in too many 12-step programs and discovering too many things that are "really" the issue.  I've had long-term sobriety from serious "acting out," a couple of spells that lasted about a year-and-a-half each. But I've fallen again, and then a second time less than two months later.

One thing that has never gone away is my compulsive looking at women on the streets, on the busses, and out my kitchen window.  So, it doesn't seem as harmful as looking at p*rn or m*sturbating, but I've never really gotten an honest desire to give this up, and it's feeding my lust, building up like doses of cyanide, but it's hard to really appreciate this.

I want to turn over a new leaf and keep it simple.  I want to remember that GUARDING MY EYES really is where it all begins, and it really it what everything depends on.

--NL354

Welcome!!

Youre doing your part and I only wish you the best!!

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!

Welcome,

It sounds like you really have a handle on what's going on.

KUTGW! (keep up the good work)

Thanks for the replies.

I think one thing I am guilty of is that while I moved "up" in my recovery, from forums to phone groups to face-to-face meetings, I started looking back and looking down at the recovery resources that had been my stepping stones and milestones.

I remember reading somewhere about "y'mei ha'ahava and y'mei ha'sinah," particularly in avodas Hashem (and particularly in Torah learning), days of love when everything seems to be going well, and days of hatred when things feel awful.

I know there's a piece about it in Alei Shore, but I just looked it up again and I remember an explanation of it that wasn't in Alei Shore.  I remember that a reason for the days of hatred are because, when everything was going well, a person had let it go to his head. He became all arrogant and instead of being thankful to Hashem for the success, he took credit for it himself.  The days of hatred are a natural consequence, intended as a humbling experience.  So, staying humble is the key to extend the days of love, and to ward off the days of hatred.

I think I have been sent some days of hatred, a couple of falls, because I've gotten so arrogant in recovery--analyzing and criticizing the things that had saved my life because now I have been in THESE groups and THEY do it THIS way which is really so much BETTER than what those OTHER GROUPS do--and I need a bit of humbling.

Thanks for the warning. I've been lusting after women and can't afford to do that. I don't want to live that way and I for sure don't want to lose my sobriety. 

Look up AlexEliezer.  He has a lot of posts about this.  If we don't commit to "guarding our eyes", it becomes almost impossible to stay sober.

I found that as long that I kept looking on the street I was still feeding my addiction. 
But what do I know. I'm new at this. 
.02
ymmv

As far as overcoming this addiction to lust, I have recently been struck by the idea of how important it is to find some other means of fulfillment in life. I am jealous of people who seem to have found their life calling and are very passionate about it and accomplished in their field.  Lately I am starting to look at my own unique skills and talents and starting to pray for guidance in recognizing them and in knowing how to best apply them.  I am starting to see the horizon becoming wider, new doors that I've never seen before are starting to open, and I am starting to dream about what I can do with my life.  Besides that it's something to take my mind off of lust.

There's actually a famous book about how to be successful, "Think and Grow Rich," and there's a whole chapter about how really successful people have had a strong sex drive but they know how to channel all that energy into other areas of their life.  L'Havdil, there's the Gemara that says when Chazal took away the yetzer hara for giluy arayos, the whole world stopped functioning--and even the chickens stopped laying eggs. So, that's something I'm really interested in hearing more about if anyone has any experience with that.

--NL354

I like the GYE approach of setting new red lines and cutting back on addictive behavior instead of expecting yourself to stop everything cold-turkey, but I don't understand what that could mean -- in any way that might actually be effective -- for not looking at women on the streets and on the busses and out my window.

Halfsies doesn't usually work.  If addicted, any trigger could lead to a binge, so I'm not sure what "cutting back" means.

So then how do you all of a sudden stop a habit that has been deeply ingrained for over 30 years?

Have you heard of ODAAT

Newleaf354 wrote on 07 Sep 2016 11:53:

I'm sure the experience is different for many people but people do it. I will list some if the things I did.

- SA meetings
- Working the 12 steps
- Calling people every day
- having a sponsor
- group Shabbaton
- therapy
- medication
- prayer
- changing other habits
- giving up alcohol
- calling someone as soon as the urge comes and staying on the phone with them for as long as it takes
- spending at least the same amount of time working on sobriety as I did in my addiction
- putting the same efforts into sobriety that I put into addiction 
- I put my sobriety first
- volunteer work
- white knuckling
- Motzei Shabboss was a big problem. It took me one year of going to a meeting every motzei Shabboss and doing nothing else, unless for family, to break that habit. 

I've done a lot more, but that should get you started.

Hatzlacha!