Dear GYE men,

I am very grateful that this forum exists. I need it. A safe place to talk this addiction through. 

I am a synagogue rabbi with many years of Yeshiva learning under my belt, but very little sobriety. I know intellectually what is wrong with acting out...but like the Egel HaZahav generation, I rattionalize or simply don't think at all when viewing porn. I have made flegling half efforts at sobriety in the last two years, but I am not clean for any real length of time, and I pester my wife too frequently for intimacy. She caught me last night with porn and I am in the doghouse once again. The promises and reassurances I have given her in the past are now useless and I worry that real trust and love from her will be very far away. So what can I do? I can do a step three prayer. I can admit that I am powerless without G-d's help, I can commit to learn some Torah. I can use the tools of the program that say never get too hungry, tired or lonely or depressed...Reach out to a fellow in recovery...May Hashem yisborach help me to do it and work the program one day at a time.

Welcome,

You are amongst peers here.

You sound like you have dabbled in the program.
What's stopping you from going all the way?

B'hatzlachah

Dear Cordnoy,

What' stopping me? fear? I still want the lust...Thinking I can get away with it...nothing bad will really happen...So...

I just will have to come to realize that this must be my own bottom...I have to go up....i cant take this anymore,,,i don't want it.

Thanks for listening.
 

Welcome

Follow cordnoys boat all the way and if you have a moment checkout the TTT link in my signature below

Hatzlacha

rebbeavi wrote on 18 Jul 2016 15:00:

When I couldn't go any longer, that is when I went to my first meeting.

B'hatzlachah

As Cord's wrote, your post is interspersed with 12 steps concepts.

Your title is also meduyak, since you wrote, "Back to the 'Old' Drawing Board." You've been down this path before.

Sounds like you're in the middle of a spell of remorse, shame, and guilt following acting out.

I experience this all too often, as I am somewhat of a periodical.

This is no time to challenge you, but to welcome you warmly to our forum.

So I deleted the rest of this post as it had originally been posted.

Much Hatzlachah

Welcome!  We are here for you.  Keep posting. Read the handbook.  Check out the dov quotes link in my signature.

rebbeavi wrote on 18 Jul 2016 15:00:

But at the same time



The internal conflict can be quite paralysing can't it?

Watson wrote on 19 Jul 2016 20:30:


Nothing bad will really happen.....but so many bad things happen.

The reason why, for many people, the consequences aren't enough of a deterrent is bc they're often coming like the frog boiling in the pot of water- slowly but at the end you're cooked.

This has severely damaged....yiras shamayim, davening, closeness to HaShem, caused severe anxiety at times rooted in feeling like a fraud and phony, hopelessness, and a general lack of self esteem in the sense of being a good or worthy person.

Now, when I am working hard to fix this and even working over the past five years, the cumulative damage is so great that it's devastating. But nothing bad happened- still married and sometimes happily, "successful", amazing kids, doing stuff I (usually) like- oh but the lost opportunities are so expensive, so great.

So let's kick this stupid thing- I'm also in the Torah field, and it stinks to have any sort of double life.

Hatzlacha to you!