My Name is Shloime.  I've been struggling with all sexual related problems since I was a young boy.  I am 40 years old now.  As a kid, I was sexully molested several times by several different people.  One man molested me from age 10 until i was 15 or 16.  
I was very promiscuous with other boys my age when I was a teen and even some younger boys.  So the victim became the perpetrator.  I was seduced by a 20 year old neighbor (Female) when I was 15.  This relationship lasted for a year until she got married.  I've been watching "P" since then on VHS until now on line.   "M" has been part of my daily routine since I was 13.  That never went away.  Even after marriage I fell in with Non-jewish woman.  Several of them....many times.   I was a wreck at home. I couldn't be a husband or father.  And although I was present for them, my self-hate  didn't allow me to be kind and giving.  I was a raging, unkind husband who thrived on chaos.
Around 5 years ago I almost fell in with a married jewish woman.  It was then that i got help and was introduced to SA.  I was clean for a long while but eventually fell back into P & M.  Thank GOD I have not gone to any other relationships, but I am stuck and cannot be honest about it with the group that opened their hearts to me.  I betrayed them for a few years now, still coming to some meetings here and there....But yet maintaining that i am sober.  But I am sooooo not!  HELP ME!

Welcome!

I feel your pain coming through the page :-/

Honesty is honestly a very difficult concept for many of us to master (myself included)

Im worried you beat yourself up too much, which may be why you restrain yourself at the meetings

Dov would probably write "The guys in your meeting will have a heart attack for the first time in their lives hearing that someone in their group is dis-honest" and he'd put this  at the end so you know he's kidding

They all had their dis-honest moment. We all do. An SA group is an accepting place, no one will shoot you for honesty (this may encourage other members to disclose some of theirs too)

It it may be hard to allow yourself to break through

But to the bigger picture, have you shared your story with a professional, do you have a therapist? I think you'd gain tremendously if you did, and oh, also keep on posting and
KEEP ON TRUCKING
youre heading in the right direction 

Welcome,

Seems to me the plan is to muster the courage, walk into the meeting and tell all.
Life will start there.

B'hatzlachah

How do I muster the courage?  It isn't like I can psyche myself up like a huddle in a football game.  Its the most embarrassing thing in the world.
Why does recovery have to come at such an expense?
 

tryingagain wrote on 04 Jul 2016 11:07:

Many quotes in my signature address that question.
This is behavior that many of us have been engrossed in for years or even decades. You cannot expect that turnaround to be easy.

Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear your sad story.  I'm glad to hear that you went to SA and got some help.  From what I have gathered from SA veterans, the program works on honesty and openness.  If you can't be open with other recovering addicts, who can you be open with?  I can't explain why it has "to come at such an expense", but the fact is that it does.  I'm afraid all our chizzuk will be counter productive if it's just a way for you to avoid telling the truth. 

There is really no way around it.  I apologize for being so blunt, but I think it is really that simple.

I daven that you have the courage to do what you know deep down you need to do.

gibbor120 wrote on 04 Jul 2016 17:08:

I wanted to thank gibbor twice.

Thank you