Spoke to my Rebbe today. I felt as if a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. Someone who cares and knows me is aware of my situation and will always be there for me.
Telling therapists helps but it's behind closed doors to a person that I don't know or see ever. I basically still had this secret to myself. In the past- time to time, I had the urge to forgot about this, stuff it in the past, and move on. Now a real person who knows me knows about it. I'm in this for the long haul.
The reality of it hit me in a way it never did before as I was speaking to him. I cried. I don't think ever cried like that before. It made it so much more real.
My inside world now relates to my outside world. Until now it was good old me doing the right thing outside and a creep doing the wrong thing in the inside. The inside and outside is now more one person trying to do the right thing. This I guess is because I talked to one of the people of my "outside world" about my deep dark secrets of my "inside world".
I also hope it helps against self-deception and "others" deception as guys say. Makes me more of a real guy I guess for "fessing up".
Markz, my response to you was dumb. I told my Rebbe everything as it is. It was hard but its good that I did.Thanks for that. Still can't believe I told him those things, but I got it out.

So it took over 3 years on gye and close to 1,000 posts but I finally told my rebbi about my struggles.

I need to thank shlomo24 for giving me the final push I needed.

So I called him up and gave him a brief history of my acting out and told him about gye. He didn't make a big deal about it. He did say that I should go into shidduchim anyway but it needs to be taken care of. He's familiar with gye but he said I'll have to do something more. 

It was kind of a short conversation and we're dealing with something else now so I'm not sure what he has in mind yet.

It's a bit anticlimactic for something that took this long to do and that's probably the best way for it to be. 

Thanks to everyone for helping me get to this milestone.

 

I reached a new milestone tonight, speaking to innastruggle over the phone. It was a really good conversation, and I have a new appreciation for the power of GYE to bring Yidden together to help each other in this struggle. 

It's definitely different now that I've used my real voice, my real-time thoughts and feelings, to connect with a member of the community. I now feel more personally connected, to inna obviously, but to the forums and the process of recovery in general.

Bezras Hashem this will lead to aliyah and hatzlacha going forward.

unanumun wrote on 25 Jan 2015 01:59: