butterfly wrote on 20 Jun 2016 13:18:
Hi everyone I'm a bit new here and need chizuk. First I'd like to share with you an article that I wrote recently about my life.
"I’d like to share with you a story of a soldier fighting a long and difficult war. The soldier in our story is not a regular one dressed in battle gear wearing a helmet and holding a gun. Nor does our soldier have any commanders or generals. He is a lone soldier, fighting all alone, every day of the week, every week of the year. He is not fighting a visible enemy, he is fighting an invisible but nevertheless extremely powerful enemy. The enemy is called Anxiety, Depression and Social Phobia. He is fighting with all his might to stay ahead of this enormous negative power.
Let’s go back about 30 years. I was born into a dysfunctional family. On the outside everything looked so beautiful and perfect yet on the inside everything was crumbling apart. For as long as I can remember my parents were fighting and arguing with each other. For some reason they each confided with me about the other one. My father used to tell me how sick and unhealthy my mother was. How much she needed medication but couldn’t take it because she was anorexic and was afraid she’ll gain weight on the meds. How he couldn’t stand how impulsive she was, what a slave driver she was, what a hard marriage he’s having. My mother used to tell me how my father doesn’t care about her needs. How he is just busy with his work and his parents and doesn’t care about her. I was so young and so confused. Is my father right, Is my mother right?
Being that my parents didn’t have a normal spouse I became their “Spouse”. My father would complain every time he got yelled at - at work, every time he got a cut in his salary, every time he was worried about money or anything else. My mother would consult with me about anything that had to be taken care of in the house from improvements to bills to medical issues with my siblings. I walked around with a fear that my parents are getting divorced.
Then came another challenge. Over the course of a few years there were several serious medical issues in my family. It completely tore my parents apart. My mother couldn’t handle it and my father had no one to talk to about the pain he was in and unloaded onto me. I was 13 years old at the time and I was loaded up with very scary and sad conversations. Cancer, Chemo,” Mommy can’t handle it”, “I’m in so much pain I can’t go on,” “It kills me to look at my child suffering like this”. These quotes are real ones that were told to me when I was so young and fragile. And when I needed to unload all this weight I had no one to talk to so I just carried it along where ever I went.
Being that I was extremely intuitive and smart from a young age I took upon myself or rather it was thrown on me to make sure that everything in the house stayed intact. I always felt the need to make sure my parents wouldn’t fight or worry too much. I therefore totally pushed away my needs and feelings and just focused on my “mission”. My drive behind my mission was my fear of the whole family falling apart. I suffer tremendously until now from all those years of not being allowed to have rights or feelings.
I remember someone telling me that the tension in my home was so thick you can cut it with a knife. Our Shabbos meals were just meant to eat by. No talking, no sharing stories, no laughing. I dreaded every meal and remember davening every Friday night that the meals should go smoothly.
Another part of this challenge is that my parents are both extremely anxious people and were very worried about my physical and ruchnius well being. My mother completely smothered me and didn’t allow me to ever try new things. This is too risky, that’s too dangerous, the next thing is too expensive etc. I wasn’t allowed to chew gum, walk in to a pizza shop, wear crocs, go out with my friends, and the list goes on and on. All this was “not meant for a Yeshivah bachur to do.”
I remember going to sleep after the morning Shabbos meal for only a short time because I had to be learning already. I remember once going to sleep in shul because I was really tired and couldn’t sleep any longer at home. My father used to tell me all the time that he’s so afraid that I’m slipping in my yiddeshkeit. Meanwhile I was this really good boy who never did anything wrong and was always learning and davening.
When my parents used to ask me if something is bothering me I used to brush them off and say that I’m totally fine. I was afraid to rock the boat and burden them with my pain, and besides they were way too unhealthy to help me.
I became a withdrawn quiet boy. Never went on school trips, never raised my hand in class, had an impossible time sticking up for myself. Inside I was burning with pain and agony because I really knew that I had so much to offer but was too locked up to offer anything. I was afraid of rejection and also felt that I didn’t deserve being listened to.
Being that I was so quiet and sweet and was so broken inside I became the perfect target for molestation. And so it was. A sick “Friend” of mine manipulated me over the course of a few years and didn’t allow me to make any new friends. He was so nice to me and being that I was so broken and was desperate for a rope to hold onto I allowed him to control me. After he got me in his hold he crossed over all boundaries and completely abused me. He did it time and time again over the course of a year. And so the little self-esteem and dignity that I had left until this period of time was taken from me.
Here I am now, empty, battered and broken. No backbone, no sense of deserving anything, no inner strength to go on.
So getting back to our soldier metaphor, Oh what a battle it is to go to shul every day and daven when my whole yiddeshkeit was forced so anxiously on me. It is almost impossible for me to open a sefer and learn. There are days when I feel like I have no ammunition left and have to literally push one foot in front of another to get through the day but with Hashem’s help I always manage to get through the day.
With Hashem’s tremendous help I got married to a wonderful girl and have a few children. Over the last few years I have been going to several therapists and doctors and after much work I see myself slowly getting better from all the trauma I’ve been through. I built up a nice prestigious company and have a good name but no one knows the challenges that it took me to get to where I am today. No one knows the challenges that I go through to call a customer, have a meeting, stand up for myself etc. But I keep on trying and hope that one day it will get a little easier.
My message to parents is please please never argue with your spouse in front of your children. Show them support. Show them strength. Please don’t push your children in the way that you want them to go rather help them get to where their personality and traits take them. Please tell your children every day how much you love them.
And my message to all of you suffering young boys out there, I see you all the time, by the lake, at a job, at a restaurant. I feel like running over to you and giving you a big hug. Please hold on tight and know that there’s hope and you can and will see the light one day."
This is my part of my life story. The other part is that for as long as I can remember I'm lusting. B"H I don't masturbate but I still suffer from looking at porn and lusting. I've tried 10000 times to stop and have stopped many times but two days later I'm back. Being that I am depressed i feel like I don't have the strength to fight. Please someone help me and guide me and give me chizuk.
What a story. You are amazing; the way you've put your life together is really a testimony to your desire to live and to thrive.
So much of the beginning parts of your story about taking responsibility for your home and your parents and being the good boy and being their confidant reminds me of my own story. My therapist, Dr. Sorotzkin, often tells me when I tell him about my struggles "Considering your childhood and upbringing you're doing pretty well".
I'd definitely say that for you. It's definitely not an excuse to not try your best, but should be a reminder of how fantastic you are for coming through this and being a contributing member of society.
I suffer from occasional but awful anxiety only about a certain specific issue, but when I'm in it (like now) it can go for weeks and months at a time.
Hatzlacha to you!
Warning: Spoiler!
