My name is Eli and I have been an addict since I'm about 13-14 years old. When I was younger I struggled with drug addiction and then eventually stopped. I'm guessing that at some point I traded addictions because whatever was the underlying cause of my addiction was never addressed. I primarily stopped using drugs after a close freind of mine died which scared the beep out of me. I've always had one vice or another like food, cigarettes or masturbation but never thought much of it.

At some point I'm not even sure when my acting out started escalating. At first it was live Web cams then massage parlors and eventually graduated to prostitutes. For the obvious reasons my marriage has never been a happy one. At some point about 3 years ago my wife found some drug paraphernalia and thought that I had a drug problem. She freaked out and insisted that I see a therapist. I went to an addictions counselor and told him about my acting out. He was the first one to help me recognize that I am a full fledged sex addict. At first I was very into it and went to a bunch of meetings and even had about 40 days of sobriety which at that time was my longest streak ever. I even went as far as getting a sponsor. But then it all came crashing down. I relapsed, stopped going to the meetings, ignored my sponsor and fell back into a slump.

Fast forward thru the last 3 miserable years. My addiction has completely consumed me. The prostitutes were not doing it for me so I started seeing transsexuals and men. I developed a relationship with a Spanish coworker and started having sex with her regularly. My life has completely spun out of control. All this time I was so self absorbed that I was totally oblivious to everything around me until.....I hit a new low. Something that I'm not prepared to discuss just yet but if it's worse than the things I've described above than you can imagine that it was pretty bad. But the truth is even that didn't stop me I continued to act out with complete disregard to what happened and then in  one instant thru something that someone said it occurred to me that my gig was up and that I had been busted! My heart stopped beating. I was a complete wreck. My life was over. All I could think of was how I destroyed my family and everything around me all for a bit of pleasure. I didn't sleep for days. I couldn't look myself in the mirror without being disgusted. I davened day and night that it wasn't true and that I didn't get busted and then a miracle happened. I finally came to realize that I got the beep scared out of me again and I hadn't been acting out! I realized that instead of praying not to get caught I needed to pray for my recovery! 

I ended up reaching out to a close freind of mine who happens to work in this field and disclosed everything to him. What an awkward conversation that was! Bless his soul he was so non judgmental. He referred me to a therapist and BH I am starting to understand why I am an addict. I am hoping that I will soon have the courage to return to the meetings and start the 12 steps but for now I am thankfull that Hashem brought me this far. I've browsed this sight before but now it has new meaning to me and I sincerely hope that I will use it as a tool to help me in my recovery.

This journey of recovery began 57 days ago and with Hashems help I'm still sober which beats my old record...I look forward to sharing my journey with this group!

Eli

Welcome Eli. Wow what a story! May Hashem give you continued Hatzlacha!

Welcome!
A tough story - phew
Time to get the beeps out of your life, and exchange it for a Truck Foghorn!!

Welcome,
Thanks for the share.
We look forward to hearing continued success.

B'hatzlachah

That was Landmark post #7777

Lucky 7s...you guys have amassed an incredible amount of information in the links in your signatures...kol hakavod

markz wrote on 12 May 2016 01:44:

Beep is your friend...
Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 05 Jun 2012 19:27:


 

Beep has been more than a freind it's saved my life once before and now it's back.....incredible how kind Hashem is, this could have played out so many different ways

57 Days - after such a tough time - really amazing! I wish you continued hatzlacha. Stick around!

Wow Eli, what a story!
Classic stuff, especially how you were never satisfied.
Because empty pleasure can never satisfy.
It just feeds the addiction, making us want ever more.
I hope it's not too late to re-focus your energies on the important and truly fulfilling things in life, like connection to your wife, family and community, while simultaneously working on connecting to Hashem.  Hashem will help you through this if you constantly ask him to.

Much hatzlocha,
Alex

Can believe Alex is Finally back

Wow incredible story. I hope you will continue with therapy and discover reasons for your addictions that you will find more healthy outlet. 
Bhatzlocho 

Woww. Big story. It shows that no matter how far I'll go - I'll NEVER be satisfied. But my mind keeps telling me that it will be good if I'll go to a prostitute.

Oh God. Why did you put me in this situation?

GuideMe wrote on 19 May 2016 09:45:

Its so hard when there is a fantasy in our heads that feels like we absolutely "need" it in order to feel calm again. I have found that it helped a little [really, a little. But every little bit helps...] to close my eyes and imagine the few minutes or hours after having given in to whatever the compulsion was. I would imagine the pain. The feelings of defeat. The disgust with myself. The horror at facing the people around me knowing what I did. The fear of people finding out. and on an on and on. Sometimes that gave me the boost I needed to pull away.

GuideMe wrote on 19 May 2016 09:45:

Thinking that He put me in that situation never helped me. Perhaps it can help others, I didn't hear like that though.

B'hatzlachah