Inastruggle:
Thanks for asking, it means a lot to me. It's been an interesting (for lack of a better word) few days. I haven't acted out since sometime monday, which has some significance to me, but it's definitely involved a lot of white knuckling. My schedule as always, was messed up, so i felt pressure to get things done, felt stupid, hungry, and empty as i was learning a lot less, and just generally less active. I also was unable to sit down, and connect through this forum.
I've started doing exercise (for other reasons), and i think i see it helping with this. I've also started making calls to people in SA, sometimes in the same vein way as my last post. But i haven't been up to date on a couple of recovery tools.
Right now it's almost shabos, and i'm nervous, and hungry.
I had an experience, and i'm wondering if any of the "gdolim" have any comments. I was driving, with other people, and i was hungry, and antsy, and there was a song which wasn't good playing in my head, and i was thinking certain lines over and over. I was trying to stop, and as always it's hard. I divert my mind and 5 seconds later it's back. I have to surrender, i'm not sure what it means. Then based on something i heard or read, i thought, i need to remember that the song is hashem's not mine, and i have to recognize that, and know it's not for me. It helped me for a longer amount of time. If anyone has comments, i'd love to hear.

Mark:
Do you exclude white knuckling when you talk about marriage? Edit: "marriage" is meant to be "sobriety".

And black knuckling

What about brass knuckling?

The guard wrote in 2009

A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board.  They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn.  The blonde won the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the red head's turn, so she walks up the stairs… and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death.  She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the red head asks.  We're havin' a grand old time down below."  The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver." 
 

You had 24 hr to get the msg, or did you?

The white knuckling blonde doesn't believe there's a 'Driver', that there's G-d leading the show - that we can turn to




See the white book for white knuckle sobriety
 

Honestly mark, i find it hard to understand many of your one line answers. I actually appreciate the style, but without anything explaining what you mean, if i don't understand it's useless.
Although i did figure out what you thought, by rereading the first post where you raised this.
 

Today was a week that i haven't acted out. That means something to me, because until about a year ago that was rare, and where i was over pesach was also far. In addition today was really hard, i was in the dumps the whole day (till i took a nap in the evening), and kept on thinking of acting out. Every thing that didn't wok out the way i wanted felt like a huge tragedy, and i was thinking at a couple o those points, that i'm trying to do the right thing, and hashem is making it hard, so what does he want from me. It's crazy. What's even more crazy, is how many times i've used that in the past, and acted out etc.
As time passes where i don't act out, i often pretty quickly stop feeling the importance of taking actions, which is not good.

I fell today, for a good (should I say bad) few hours of acting out. Truth is to a certain extent I'm still in that mode. I feel so stupid about my proud post yesterday. More importantly, I just feel empty (more then that, but that's what I can articulate). Also, when I was posting yesterday, I knew that I had allowed myself to think lustful thoughts, but I just ignored it.
This post was actually written  in two pieces, so now as I finish it I don't feel the same emptiness, having been on a phone "meeting". 

As we say on gye, fell, shmell, keep on trucking (also written as FSKOT).

The important thing is that you got up soon after and got back here.

Getting overconfident is very dangerous. Still we need to pat ourselves on the back every so often. It's a balance.

That I'm still here is good. That I went on a serious binge, and didn't contact anybody, is not.

Focus on the good and keep in mind what you said in your post about quickly stoping the need of taking actions. Take this time to internalize that you can never never stop the need to address this. No matter how hard it might be. That's my small opinion but perhaps others will agree

Glad to have you here Avraham, keep posting

Avrohom wrote on 30 May 2016 04:21:

Sure, but why beat yourself up?

Only thing left to do it pick yourself up, and keep on going. Maybe learn from the fall if there's what to learn.

Bh, today was a much better day. I had some saddening news, i spent a lot of the day tired and hungry. I was feeling nervous (and some other feelings) a lot, particularly as i'm working on taking a particular job which i'm scared of (due to the addiction). But B"H i woke up in a good mood, and for the most part had a good day. I think it helps that i went to an SA meeting yesterday and shared as openly as i could. Better though, is comparative, i was starting down the road before (i'm trying to avoid getting to explicit, as i don't know what's okay), and i wanted to go find something to look at; thankfully i came here instead.
I want to mention, those who have been reading shmirashachaim's thread, i'm the guy he's talking about. I definitely didn't communicate the feeling well (at least originally), so i'll probably write to clarify, because i think it's important-i've referenced it before, but i don't think clearly. Right now though i don't have the patience, or the head to write about, maybe in the next few days.

Looking forward Avrohom!