THanks skep. yes today I plodded through a lot of the work I needed to do to prepare for this. Hard sometimes to put my finger on it, but i feel like I am dragging this inner desire that i have to drag myself down, and with each act it is a battle. - But you are right breathing and learning to relax in an appropriate way is a good way to keep myself on track. 
 

Cumulative Clean Days: 149
I realized today over Shabbos, that NOT every time that I am acting out is it because of some deeper pressure or lack of internal calm. Actually now, my marital life is greatly stressed and we are apart for a lot longer than is normal. It makes sense that I feel it, and that this is a difficult time with regard to wanting to act out.

The reason I am writing this is because, when acting out is solely an escape from reality, and due to the wrong approach to pressures of life, then indeed the right way to work it is  to deal with the deeper issues. When in fact you are suddenly forced into a situation where your regular schedule of marital relations is disrupted in a BIG way, you have to recognize the challenge for what it is- By understanding each one for what it is there is more of a chance for me to work it through correctly. 

OTR wrote on 17 Apr 2016 03:00:

This is an interesting thought for me.  All the more because I am unmarried...   Anyone care to comment or offer rebuttal?

Also, I'm curious OTR how this perspective helps you work it through
 

I agree completely, I am an addict. If I get triggered then these things happen, I don't need to be in a bad place. I sure as hell will be in bad place if I act out or whatnot, but that doesn't necessarily precede acting out. And I'm also single.

thanks613 wrote on 17 Apr 2016 03:12:

It helps me because being honest and looking at what is really going on inside me helps me. It is helpful to me in terms of addiction and in terms of being a person. 

I have a lot of junk inside that I need to sort through, and face... improve etc... At the same time I am not entirely without merit. I have done good things, I have experienced sobriety. And I have normal drives. Understanding the difference between normal drives and addictive drives, does not open a door to me to be able to act out freely. But in recognizing where things are coming from, I will hopefully be able to be more aware of how to respond when the desire kicks in. - Being able to say to myself, of course you are feeling it... your wife has been assur 26 our of the last 30 days- Just puts me in perspective of what I am facing at that moment. It doesn't mean it's ok to act out. And if I do act out, I will be triggering all the addict tendencies in me as well as those emotional chain reactions. ... But when there is a deeper issue at play in the moment, I would want to react to it for what it is, and tell myself to give it over to God- recognize what is really happening inside me and deal with it.

I guess in the lamasseh of giving it over to God it's the same thing- the question is do I have to follow the feelings I am having inside to apply them to step work or not in that given moment. I am not sure if I am explaining what I am thinking clearly though. 


 

162 cumulative days clean:

Ok Pesach had some really great moments of feeling good about my sobriety and some weaker times also. That was for the yom tov days. Once chol hamoed came things were not as good. My wife started bleeding on a leil tevila which was totally unexpected and hard to deal with. Coupled with the fact that the previous yemei heter lasted about 4 days until she started seeing again as well as the fact that i had let up on certain personal nedarim I had made, I would up acting out. - 

Overall though, my yom tov interaction with my family wife and kids was better than it had been in the past. I was more attentive to my wife's needs in general. I was more civil to a family member with whom I have had great difficulty relating in the past as well.

I feel really bad about this recent acting out. I have come to realize that even if my wife doesn't know, or feel that I have been acting out (which at this moment she does, but has been unaware in the past), it is still ruining my relationship. It is still living a lie. I made some notes on my 90 day journey chart as to what I think led to my acting out this time, and have implimented some new safeguards to be able to help me stay on the right path. 

In a way, I am beginnig to question if I really want to be sober entirely, or I am satisfied with having stretches of sobriety with intermittent episodes of acting out. The question is not relevant as lust has already shown its power to kill me inside and out. But my safek is whether I am, on some level fooling myself and only striving for what I am getting. (which is this cycle). 

It's definitely wayyyyy better than where I was a few months ago- which was basically acting out everyday- hour and being constantly drawn into more. I think I am paddling against that current, the question is if I am as committed as I would like to believe and as committed as I should be to really make the change in my life that I need. .... these are my thoughts for now. 

OTR wrote on 02 May 2016 15:14:

Great share. And a very valid question which I'm also grappling with.

Thanks for sharing. It can be hard to share a fall.

me 3

When I act out for prolonged periods of time, I am constantly obsessed with thoughts of guilt remorse and further acting out.. I am short tempered, and pay little attention to my family even if I am there in body (my mind is someplace else). And this is exactly how I operate when I start to act out on these mini-binges. But it's like in this binge, that I know I want to close it up, so I feel like I am chapping arein- lahvdil chatof ve'echol..... because I will soon stop acting out for a while and be a good boy.

This is the total honest truth about what is going on in my head at these times.  I think I am making progress in general as my wife and kids have definitely noticed me being more attentive, happy and in general acting more like the person I know I am and want to be.

The question is if I am as committed as I would like to believe and as committed as I should be to really make the change in my life that I need. I recall dstinctly on the Yomim Noraim, when I was feeling totally horrible about how low I had sunk, that my 'goal' would even be just to act out once a month over a year. Right now, I am working hard today. I am focused, I am not being distracted. I have a lot to do and I am doing it. 

So I am asking myself, so what- so you acted out for a few days over chol hamoed. You didn't screw up your work really, your wife was out... And true, I have a little bit of afterburn but ... meh. 

This is actually a very scary thing as A: It is in essence me trying to convince myself I can control lust. B: Acting out, especially in the way that I do, injects a lie into my life. - BOTH  of these things need to bother me more. 

As far as being bothered by sharing my acting out- It's not comfortable, that's for sure..... But I need to just face what my life is already. If for nothing else than at least to come to terms with acting out. I can't stand the running and faking anymore. So empty.... So insecure....

So, yes I did the wrong thing. I took a look at what preceded this acting out, and tried to now make a correction and keep going. 

Cumulative Clean Days: 165
I have come to realize that I would love to continue acting out if it didn't destroy my life. As in, if I could maintain my workload, be nice to my family and keep my sedarim... you know basically not devolve into a lust machine, but sort of 'fit it in with everything else'- I totally would. 

That part I think we all know. What is bugging me is that on some level I am telling myself that I can if I "play my cards right" and just jump back into my routine here on GYE. - Oy that sucks to say I know. ANd it is wrong. Hope that by expressing this and acknowledging it I will have gained some ground on it. (or at least gotten a way to deal with it perhaps from some insight from others....) 

I AM glad that I am staying with the forum and not just saying to h*** with the whole thing because I fell- which I would very much like to do in some ways. But on another side, I have to really look inside and be honest about what I want and what I am doing. 

OTR wrote on 05 May 2016 16:02:

i know from my experience where that would lead me, and where it did lead me.

I get the sense that it was not tothe top of mount everest.... 
 

Deep stuff going on here

Thats probably part of why Cordnoy changed to a boat on deep waters, and he has exceptional navigation!

Cumulative Clean Days: 168

BH shabbos was good. I learned a lot with my son, and on my own as well and my davening was good. I happened to see a piece of Ohr Hachaim on this week's parsha (Acharey Mos) toward the end of the parsha where it begins to talk about the inyonei arayos. He says there that a person has no eitza against the tayvos of arayos once they are ignited. They pull a person in further and further. The place to set up a defense is in shemiras haeynayim and in machshova. 

These two points are things we discussed a lot on our group calls. On the one hand viewing porn is not a techinical violation of sobriety. But as it says in SA we have come to realize that doing so will inevitably lead to acting out. Personally, the machshova idea is hard for me as I have talked about with people on my group call. Hopefully having seen this Ohr Hachayim will help me in the next challenge I have.