You can get access when you get your marriage license. I copied it to an open thread here for you

shmirashachaim wrote on 03 Mar 2016 17:49:

Listen it is always better late then never. Marriage isn't a killer, I have just heard from many that marriage didn't help and actually exacerbated the problem. (I am single, I do not have experience with this). But there is always hope and room for improvement. I once heard a women at a shabbos for sex addicts say "Marriage after program has been so amazing". I think that can apply here if you're seriously committed to working on yourself. Mazel Tov and you should build a bayis neeman b'yisrael.

I have much to learn about this addiction and especially in regards to how it relates to marriage. I'm still not too clear on if any of my questions were answered and still not too clear how marriage will affect it. I guess it's one of those things you can only know once your there.
Thank you so much for all of your mazal tovs. It is great to have some support on my journey and makes a world of a difference. I am so petrified to mess this up. My kallah is an amzing person and I don't want to hurt her in any way. Buts its getting hard. The fantasizing is creeping in.. and even though I assume its not as bad to fantasize about someone I will marry than stam fantasizing, i feal horrible and gross. Like I'm taking advantage of the innocent. I got into this for marriage not sex. At least I think I didn't. I need to work on this but its so hard not to fantasize. 

Shmira,

you are so lucky that you have this perspective now. I am amazed from your hashkafa and from your devotion to your kallah and your ratzon for your relationship to continue in a healthy way. I wish you much mazal and bracha. sorry i didnt comment last two days i was in a bit of a rut but coming out of it now, thanks for your inspiration!!!1

Haha.. just finished posting on your forum.. I appreciate your complements but I am scared. Does hashkafa and devotion match up to lust? I have been getting these feelings of pressure earlier than the first time I started my 90 day journey... thats also scary. But I am determined that I will please God clean this thing not just for myself but for my kallah. Maybe I should take my fear as a good thing. Thank you all for informing me somewhat of the dangers this can bring in marriage. Better fearful than overly confident. And yes, I am getting this feelings earlier on. But that is forcing me to accept what i have as opposed to last time i let the issue basically fall to the side.
Why did I let it fall to the side? because I was engaged I the fear faded. It wasnt on the forfront of my mind. What I learnt: Once the disease comes it doesnt just go away. Whether your single, dating, engaged, or married. its there. Its there whether you are aware of it or not. You can't bank on anything besides your attitude on life and your work on this addiction. 

I have this problem. I need to fix it. And as I was told to do already... I will be smiling under that chuppah. I will be smiling because I have the determination to fix the future with Hashems help and fear of what the future will bring. I have gone through a lot in my life. But I have a lot to be grateful for. I don't want to give up what Hashem as given me.. and I am not planning on falling. But if I do please Hashem give me the strength to pick myself up again so I can utilize all that you have given me.
Thanks so much RS for being there for me. You are a wonderful friend. ANd thank you for helping me put a right perspective on things.   

 

Its great to see your positive attitude, i'm sure your kallah will only gain from you B"H!

Thank you Sasha.. A positive attitude is key and I am striving to have it balanced with caution for the future... Don't want to be overly confident that all is fine and dandy but also want to look forward to a bright and happy future albeit whatever pain might come with it

shmirashachaim wrote on 06 Mar 2016 17:53:

As long as you are ready to keep at it and to do what it takes. there will be happiness. Happiness doesnt always mean that you feel like making a purim shpiel. Sometimes hapiness can be a serious happiness that comes from knowing that you are one of hashems soldiers fighting the good fight and making it happen. Thats why i chose the username Realsimcha. Not fun. not party. not always laughing - although thats great when its there - but realsimcha. and the way you have been fighting, i am sure that you have experienced that simcha.

realsimcha wrote on 06 Mar 2016 20:28:

Thanks Simcha! Yah I have been actually thinking about what the meaning of simcha is. Simcha doesn't just mean pleasure. It means much more than that. It means happiness. The difference between the two is that pleasure is just a feeling while happiness is much more than a feeling. Its a state of mind. Its a state of mind that we understand that what oversees what is happening to us and we have emunah that we are in the hands of Hashem. A state of mind that we are working for our goals and with Hashem's help reach them and to understand that the pain we feel when we do the right thing is good pain- "happy pain". Like as if we are lifting waits (like gibor), where the pain we feel makes us feel good and which enables us to feel real pleasure and happiness from Hashem through all the good things in life and all the people we love. 

Just this morning I sat by shachris, dreary eyed and desperate for a bed. I didn't sleep to much last night. I always struggle when I'm tired because probably because my sechel is weaker then and I can't think properly. This thought popped in my head in middle of aleinu: pleasure. I want pleasure. I can get pleasure right now  by going to the bathroom and doing what ever I want. That would be nice...
Isn't that crazy? This thoughts pop in my head as if someone else is living inside of me telling me what I want and what I should do to get that. This is so difficult. This thoughts are different than stam sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts I try to say shallom aleichem, ask Hashem to take it away from me, breathing exercises, and other tips I heard. Even though doesn't always work, it is easier than when my muddled mind is reasoning with me to act out, telling me what I want and what will make me feel good. Whatever that is in there feels real and persistently urging me to act out.  
I am trying to internalize this concept of pleasure and happiness. Do I just want pleasure? Or do I also want happiness? I try to remind that voice inside that I want happiness. I want closeness to Hashem and the ones I love. I want to be able to give up those fleeting disgusting moments in the bathroom and instead choose life and choose to enjoy life.  

I really appreciate this forum and how it lets me get some of my thoughts in writing clearer than if it was in my crazy brain and allows me to connect to all of you! planning on continuning.. Please Hashem help me on this difficult and painful path and help me remind myself that this difficult and painful path is happiness and leads me to a place of happiness. 
  
 

Great going, and good thinking. 

Yeah those sudden kamikaze thoughts can be really whack, and being tired don't help. 

Hatzlacha 

I had an exhausting day. Tonight is that kind of night when I come back to my room hours after originally expected and just want to collapse into bed. As I was doing so, I froze because I realized I haven't posted yet. It took me a lot of strength to crank open the laptop and type this. I need to because this is at least for now my lifeline and my hope for victory.  Why am I so tired? part of the reason is because I had a hard time falling asleep last night due to lust. I got through and got past my excruciating day. So now I will attempt to go to sleep now with the realization that I am winning and with a smile on my face because even though I am tired, I am not tired of life. That thought is what is getting me through the weariness and the inappropriate thoughts that come with it. Good night everyone and excited to connect tomorrow and for a long time afterwards!

Way to go!!!
Post even when you're halT

halT? i assume the T is for tired?

Yes sir

Perhaps it's in the white book - idk

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired