Update on myself for whoever is willing to listen!
 
B"H I am having an easier ride for now. I had a really rough day before but B"H I got through it. I feel the connection to the forums has really helped me and so grateful there are so many caring people out there. I am obviously dealing with a lot in my life right now but I as of now was able to control my urge when it comes from the stresses of life. I feel I worked (at least in some degree)on a proper attitude of life and even though at times I almost fell from them I Bli Iyin Harrah have been able to pull through. It seems I fall due to raw  compulsion or excitement and I am still trying ti figure out how to deal with it and obviously still wary about acting out due to what is going on in my life. I am hoping to continue my journey to recovery and be able to live a meaningful successful life. I spent shabbas by my kallahs family and didn't feel triggered but had disturbing thoughts during seder this morning. I did the exercises GYE recommends. 
I am plugging along and shooting to be clean until my chassusah and at the same time trying to prepare for the hard times because even though this should be easier for a little after marriage, it will come back! I am not healthy just because I don't feel it! 

I'm listening!!!

markz wrote on 21 Feb 2016 18:11:

Haha thanks Markz! It's great to have a number of people on this sight making sure to go through all the forums and responding including you! 

I am listening too. Its amazing to see all the hard work that you are putting into the real prep for your wedding. I am sure that it will create a zchus that will bring huge joy to your lives. You are an inspiration for me. Keep up the great work!

....And keep Posting !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im also here listening. There are prob many more people listening as well.
I just want to say that just like the forum helped you, your thread also inspires many to learn from your determination! (including myself)
Hatzlocha!

Thank you so much RS ans Sasha 2! it means a lot to me.

I almost went through a day without posting and even though its way past my bed time this is important! 

Today the thoughts kept coming in.. this time I did some breathing exercise my therapist suggested, but so much pressure. The pressures of life make my body feel pain.. so much pain. Its so interesting how external pain can bring about such a feeling. My mind keeps wanting to laze into the easiness of lust that is so much more convenient to ponder than the pressures of life. My brain has these crooked reasonings pop up reminding me of the sweetness of all the things I detest. The sweetness of the forbidden. In the past a was sucked not only into the world of porn. My whole day revolved around it, allowing me to escape the bitter world around me. Whether because of the loneliness engulfing me, the restlessness tormenting me, frustration from not being able to accomplish anything, or sadness from my mother passing away, or anger from my fights with my father, life always found its way to bitterness.  It took a while to know how to deal with things and allow myself to take what could be considered bitter and make it create me into a strong growing person. One that can stand up to the challenges of life and not run away into the laziness of depression and porn. 
I need to remind myself of all these now when I feel the pressures of life creeping inside me in a way I dont want them to. With Hashems help and will,  i'll overcome all this and push the bitterness into the past and happiness and growth in the present the future. '
Please Hashem take the thoughts and pressures away from me and allow me to be able to live a healthy life as an amazing husband and serve you in the best way I can!

Thanks to whoever got through my middle of the night rambling! until tomorrow! 

Amen!

Don't despair! I have the same problem, but I'm working on it too. Even though I, myself, am only 16 I worry about shiduchim too, so if we all work together we can all succeed and live happy lives. We are all behind you, don't despair!

Seeking Support wrote:

WELCOME TO GYE
all caps = shouting? Yes, because I'm very excited when someone your age joins, I wish I did too... Although Shteeble thought I'm 23 which is nice of him...

Seeking support, it is helpful if you start your own story thread, and may be more beneficial if you reach out to one the biggies here for support eg the.guard, cordnoy, skep. All the best

Jump in and start Trucking!
well deal with the license later

Seeking Support wrote on 24 Feb 2016 14:00:

hey seeking support! I like your name but you should add "giving support" as well because you are very good at it! It is so much easier not to despair when there are others that have your back . When you say you have the same problem, do you mean doing inappropriate things in general? repetitive thoughts? pressure from life dilemmas? Would love to hear more about you and like Harav Markz said would be great to introduce yourself. Its great that you care and you are only 16! The earlier you deal with this the better and like GYE says should "hit rock bottom" without hitting rock bottom  meaning internalizing how horrible and disgusting rock bottom is and never reach it! When you get older more things will be accessible to you. I remember when each time a bigger level of treating my desires became accessible my brain went crazy and convinced me that THIS time i will be satisfied. THIS time my cravings will be abated. It took me a lot of strength to scream THIS IS NOT TRUE... that feeling of new excitement is false. the more i am able to do the more i want. I became more and more depressed the more I was able to do. I lost more of my self control when I went from being compelled to go on line and instantly see whatever  to being compelled to drive 25 minutes and drop $500 even though I didnt want to. its scary and i wish i could of internalized this before I slipped down the slippery slide.
I don't even know much about you and im really just rambling about myself so again would be great if you start your own forum!

may we work together and be able to live happy successful lives where we dont only learn to support ourselves but others as well. 

That would be great! If we did work together I think it would work. And yes all of the above it was really hard, and I'm falling back into place. Thanks for your kind words.

Seeking Support wrote on 25 Feb 2016 02:19:

Welcome Seeking support to the family!
I agree you should start your own thread so you can get the chizzuk you need, it does wonders!
Hatzlocha!

Hello everyone, I have been posting on other forums but haven't really posted any update on myself for a while.
First of all I get a mazal tov. I became a gibbor on the 90 day journey by passing the 30 day mark. 
As I said previously, I took upon myself to post everyday on this wonderful forum. As of now I have been able to do so for the most but missed a few and I will work on that. I still have hope to become more consistent on my journey to sobriety, I still have hope to get back into this incredible community and not be forgotten in the abyss of the past, and I still have hope that I will break free from this sickness. Allow me share a little bit of what is going inside my head:I’m a chasson. My chassuna is around the corner. So many smiles and hugs and good cheer. So much attention and care. Everyone greets me where ever I go. But even though I am surrounded by family and friends, I feel as if there is an invisible wall barring them from me. An invisible wall of misunderstanding. I live in this lone world where I must struggle with this monster inside me. I laugh and cheer with everyone else… but I shudder inside. I find myself getting lost in what is happening around me and that might be why it is starting to get harder keeping up on my GYE. GYE reminds me that I am sick while my surroundings assures me that I am on top of the world. It points to me being that person everyone is admiring and giving all their attention to., to me being that person that everyone has a million things to say about. All the speeches.. his middos, his hasmada.. I’m good. I’m great. Why would I want to enter the world of me being someone trying to stop a lowly disgusting habit? But I cant make the same mistake I made the first time and I must learn that ignoring it brings it. Yes, I don’t like it. It makes me feel small. I forces me to realize that behind the face of confidence and excitement, there is fear. I don’t want to feel small but I guess I must do so in order to become big.Thanks to whoever is reading my rambling and I am looking forward to more disconnecting from ugliness and more connection to beauty like GYE.

 

Hey Gibor, 

Mazal Tov! and Mazal Tov!

Thats fantastic news.

Bro, when i was a Chosson and i imagine many others on here as well, we didn't even yet realize we had a problem we were dancing our way straight into disaster.

You are on the ball, keep coming back here, and when you smile with folks, smile even a little more because all of us here are cheering you on as well.

Mazal Tov, 

Yesod wrote:

גם אני מסכים להנ״ל