For me white knuckling means it isn't getting easier over time. Instead of the whole issue gradually taking up less and less of my time and headspace it's taking up the same amount or more.

This in mind, I don't know if the question of "how do I know?" is appropriate. If the question is because you want to know what to look out for then that's fine. If the question is that you want to be sure you'll never fall again then the answer is that you can't be sure.

I hope that was somewhat clear. If anyone disagrees I'm definitely open to hearing it.

If you often feel like you are struggling and fighting to stay sober?  Then you are probably white knuckling. 

Then call me White Knuckle Birshusi.

shmirashachaim wrote:

I think Gibbor and Ina posted some stuff on your thread, check it out :-)

Yes sorry saw responses but haven't had time to respond.. Don't really now either so hopefulLy won't be too unclear.
I struggle here and there. Sometimes not for a while, sometimes it's fleeting, sometimes it hits me like a train. I feel that for the most part I live a normal life besides sneaking off to GYE land everyday and getting hit by lust once in a while. (or maybe really never normal and it seems like it is?). But in any case don't feel like the typical addict with his life falling apart any more, and I admit I have a lot of things to work on that is related to this addiction. B'H very different then it used to be. Just trying to do a reality check. Thank for input good shabbas!

Gibbor and Ina.. Didn't have chance to thank you properly. I can't say how grateful I am for you guys giving me feedback. It keeps me going.  My brains been busy with other things but I think I really need a breather to think things through on where I'm holding and what I need to do. I feel that I'm not white knuckling but I feel a lot as if there is a beast inside of me wanting to run wild, and I'm just ignoring it. Could be this is in my imagination. I am usually pretty functional (in regards to lust)

my brains been busy and the days are flying by.. Most people would laugh at what I'm doing every day when I say "I'm busy". But for me the juggling is a lot. Yeshiva/college/marriage. I'm pushing through the things I got to do and trying to take a breather for the things I enjoy doing. This kind of situation can possibly lead to acting out. Not only anxiety or stress, but not having this on my mind. Not using my brain for this. I can be attacked any day and I have to be aware of that. I am still having kavanah during davening for Hashem to take me through today. Not this year. Not this week. But just this day. Can't loss that perspective. I will try to focus on GYE more. But it's hard. But I am grateful of being a part of this and don't want to loss the connection. I need a breather and evaluate where I'm holding.

 

Oh Chasan d'nan

Hows Shana Rishona

Do you take the wife out on a date once a week?

Good question.. Sadly not the typical one.. 
But B'H great Shalom Bias. We try to go out once a week.. So guess we preempted your advice Markz!

Great stuff.

For me, white knuckling is if I find myself struggling without any external triggers. To me, that means that something is not right on the inside.

RS it may be something a person needs to work on if they're struggling w/o external triggers. 
From what Watson wrote I think that's a sign of higher level of struggle, which will just require a different set of tools

But i think "white knuckling" by definition is its depiction

What is "white knuckling"?
Very simple
If you see a Truck hurtling along with raging speed passing the 90 day line, it seems alls cool
But when you get a peek into the drivers seat you see a guy perspirating - teeth clenched - holding on the steering wheel for dear life

The sober Truckers are relaxed and have learned how to deal with their personal "Highway Traffic"

So go ahead, hands off the wheel, "Let go and Let Gd"

Today is my 70th day on the count, B'H. But no jumping for joy. That was my mistake last time. Last time I was "on the last stretch" and "tasting 90 days". I even got a sponsor to GYE if I make the 90 day mark. Things were looking good. But I fell. I fell twice before I even hit 90. What a joke. 

On shabbas I read a book from R Twerski talking about how the yetzer hara deludes us into thinking that we already subdued it. R Twerski said that if we don't battle, the yetzer hara wins. He's quotes the Rebbe of Kotzk who said that we should conceptualize that the yetzer hara is holding an axe over us , threatening to severe our head. One chassid asked him, "what if I can't visualize that?" The Rebbe from Kotzk answered, "that indicates that your head has already been severed."

I am not saying this is an appropriate strategy for this illness. I don't know much at all. I think I even have seen here and there that perhaps shouldn't view it as the typical "yetzer hara". I'm not getting into that. I'm also not even saying that it helped me as I never used it. I'm just saying that it impacted me specifically at this time when I am trying to internalize the potency and persistence of the yetzer harah. I don't want to be discouraging, but the guys who are behind me on this journey might view this "milestone" as an accomplishment, a dream. However, the guys past me on this journey most probably see that it's a drop in the iceberg (sorry for speaking for everyone, correct me if I'm wrong). 
Attaining even any days-70, 90, or a 1000 is great, but it isn't the main thing. What I have learnt is that the main thing is to attain life, to live life. With that said, and feel free to argue, the "journey" isn't trying to "stay clean", rather the journey is to live life normally. Last time I already learnt about the "one day at a time thing", but not sure how much I felt it. Last time I was starting to understand that it's not all about keeping the number of sober days in check, but not sure how much I internalized that. B'H this time around I think I have a deeper understanding. I hope there isn't going to be another "70 day mark", but not thinking about that. And if happens then hopefully that would mean I learnt something new or internalized something better. 

I am humbly thankful that I am sober today and pray that I remain sober tonight. 

Thanks to whoever listened to my (sometimes repetitive) rambling. It helps me internalize it. Also good to see if anyone thinks my outlook is off.

I am thankful to be part of GYE. Thanks guys. 

We're thankful you're part of the family

What book was that? 
I quote Rabbi Twersky at the Shabbos table. He's brilliant. Have you read all his writings? What you mentioned was good, but it's not the entire gamut, so keep on reading!!

Thanks Markz (btw a "Markk" just joined GYE.. Don't yell at him for infingement, be nice.)

the book is "the enemy within", and no this is the first one. Looking forward to more though.

Also looking forward to the entire gamut! Hopefully I'll make it!

So you give your haskama for the Rebbe's mashal to addiction?

The 3 weeks are almost here and the Sfas Emes said the same about someone that can't cry about the churban, that "he should cry about the fact that he can't cry"

And Markk is probably my 2nd Marxist cousin from the KKK tribe

Please for forgiving me for being a little slow. The sefas Emes is gishmak, but what relevance?