Hatzlacha rabba friend. 

We hope to hear from you soon

Ecstatic wrote:

Wow.. Never realized that. Thanks for pointing that out!

Day 8 has been pretty uneventful. Had a few things to do but dragged them out a little bit, did this and that, and before I knew it it's the end of the day. It's  these kind of days that just haze over with out any GYE or any progress and that tumble into a streak of being absent from GYE. I'm telling myself now: this can't happen. I can't loose sight from keeping on track. Also, I've been a little rusty on my reading and GYE in general, but I have been retrospecting and thinking a lot, trying to be honest about things that I haven't been for a while. I am taking a deep breath from the rush of life and just thinking. Thinking about myself and how I can make myself better. Even though I have been distracted today, and tomorrow looks like a very hectic day,  I am planning on keeping to this and my plan of connecting to GYE as well. Thanks for listening.

Sometimes it helps to be koveia ittim for posting 
Like after shacharis,  or between mincha and maariv. (Or some other opportunities which I'm sure others will fill you in on)
Either way, Hatzlacha
Good hearing from you

Thanks Yesod.. I have been doing that during zman, just could be harder by bein hazmanim. Also figuring out how to fit it in next zman. Thanks!

Day 9. Pretty hectic day. A lot going on. Chol hamoed activities and driving to where we will be for second days. I haven't had much time to do GYE or even think for that matter. But all this being busy and focusing on how to get some in made me think about a Friday a couple weeks ago when my wife asked me to go somewhere and I spent a while in the car writing a post. I had a lot to say and I wanted to get it done. I came back much later, finding my wife confused why it took so long for that errand. I said something about making a wrong turn, tons of traffic, and a crowded store. I felt bad that she was probably a little frustrated that I took so long, and I became to wonder: here I am, trying to get better. Trying to become a better person, to be a better husband, and focusing on how to do this. But, not sure if this makes sense- but can the process of getting over an addiction actually be counter-productive in a way? What I mean to say, is that here I am, working on myself, to be the best husband possible, but by doing so I become so grossly involved in myself to an extent that it will be in the expense of my others- especially my wife? I mean much more than just the fact that I am spending time it that runs into her time, but is the focusing on making myself better take away the focusing on others?

shmirashachaim wrote on 28 Apr 2016 05:10:

Its not the process of recovery that is being counter-productive it is the process of dishonesty. An addict is dishonest. And our acting out brought out a sneaky lying part of us that would make us the envy of the world of counter-espionage! When we are subversive in recovery we are really holding onto parts of an addictive mindset. I understand this to be part of the strong feelings of frustration that I sense in Cord's posts about talking to "real people" etc . On the other hand, I believe that in certain situations and for certain people there is a place for anonymity. But lying to your wife is different. I know an addictions counselor who wont speak to me if I am not prepare to be honest with my wife. Now, my situation is different than yours. I am married for many years, and you are married for barely a few weeks. That being said I think that you need to get responsible advice how to explain to your wife that posting etc. is part of your healthy spirituality and emotionality [just made up that word] in a way that she can accept it. This way you wont have to keep sneaking recovery.

Day 13. Have been very rusty lately. Wether its ADD or just laziness, whatever you want ti call it, i haven't gotten much GYE in. Hopefully i'll be more consistent and hopfully it will be easier once zman starts and have a set schedule.
Still had been on my mind how it's so hard to focus on my recovery and my wife. RS I hear what you are saying, but it sounds very scary. I can't imagine disclosing this to my wife. Maybe maybe in many years from now. But the thought of even that is scary. But what do I know? Maybe sometimes people have to do scary things to get better. But as you will obviously get guidance on that-however I would, before doing such a thing. As far as telling her about posting, no clue how to go about telling her I need to post about something I don't want her to know I am posting about.


  

I also have been thinking about the one day principle. Can someone give me some clarity on it? I feel as if I am deluding myself because I really want to look at a lifetime of sobriety. How can I honestly say that I am only looking to be sober today, and all that matters is today, when I really want tomorrow as well?

shmirashachaim wrote on 02 May 2016 03:39:

What about yesterday, and the day before

shmirashachaim wrote on 02 May 2016 03:39:

There are gedolei program on this site who can certainly explain it better than I can. But a thought: I think its not about one day its about today - meaning now. Everything is in the hands of Hashem and the future remains to be seen, but for now we ask Hashem to give us sobriety at this present moment. Now. And now I can do. and if I keep doing now ... well you see where that can go ...

shmirashachaim wrote on 02 May 2016 03:39:

I don't have much control over today, but I certainly have no right to worry about tomorrow. [I shouldn't do anything today to jeopardize my tomorrow, but I cannot be concerned with it.]

For me, one day at a time means that I'm not going to worry about yesterday or tomorrow that much. Obviously I am going to try to avoid doing things that cause long-term harm, ex. smoking. I am also going to do things that can set me up for the future, ex. college. BUT, I have no control over yesterday or tomorrow, so planning things too far in advance is something I try to avoid. Saying "Im Yirtzeh Hashem" doesn't help me, by the way.

In terms of wanting continual sobriety, I can't be sober in the future without being sober in the present. And I only have the ability to be sober in the present, I am powerless over the future, whatever God wants is what will happen. So there is no use worrying or thinking about "when will I EVER get long-term sobriety!" because I have absolutely no control over that. Also, ODAAT helps me when I am struggling, I have said on occasion that I will act out tomorrow, but not today. Or even act out in an hour, but not now. I can stay sober for a day or an hour, right? Another thing that ODDAt means to me is that yesterday's sobriety has nothing to do with today. That is the reason why I have my day count permanently set at 1 day because I believe that is important for me to remember that today is the only day that counts. I could be sober for a while before or have just acted out, still today is the only day that counts. An XA, (any anonymous group), phrase is "The person with the longest sobriety is the person who woke up earliest today".

Hey Shmira! Haven't heard from you in a little while! How you holding up?

So this is what's been going on in my life:
I fell again like 2 weeks ago. It was very hard. I just couldn't fight the urge to act out. I haven't been on GYE really since. Not as much because I was down- which I definitely was when I acted out, but more because I lost enthusiasm. I originally came came on psyched and committed that I might be able to to this. I fell once. Fine. I had in mind that this might happen. I got up again and kept on going, inspired that I will continue no matter what it takes. But to fall again less than 2 weeks later? I felt dead. I couldn't muster the courage to say I fell. I just couldn't. How many times can I do this? 
Yesod messaged me that I should forget about how I'm feeling when I post. Whether I'm psyched or not. I just have to talk it out: my victories and my falls. So that's what I'm going to do, whether people get bored on how many times I fall and get up. I shouldn't be here to impress or entertain anyone. Im here to get better. 

I don't have a set plan.. I'm just humbly coming back and asking to connect with others and asking Hashem to help me along the way to recovery. No matter how hard and depressing it may be at times.