Day 3. I would 100% not have gotten through yestersay without GYE. So thanks thanks thanks. I wish that I could be past this point and looking back at the past few clean months and feeling like I am not swallowed up by all the garbage. I know its not helpful to think this way but since when am in charge of my insane thoughts? I feel this anxiety to log in and click on "I am clean". Does this make sense? Am i out of my mind?

It makes sense. You're not out of your mind.

Sometimes we are only sane when we are out of our mind.

realsimcha wrote on Unknown:

Yes I likes how you put how its usually hard to keep up with recovery.. Even when I am doing well I become overly confident and beleive the sickeness has disapeared. I have to learn that this isnt true. The sickness is there and waiting to jump at me at any given moment. I was clean for MONTHS and the first time an intense urge came on me I fell because I wasnt prepared. 
Simcha, I look forward to seeing your future posts and being part of your journey.. and I will try my hardest to continue posting here as well! 

Yah I get the same feeling... So were both out of our mind! I am naturally anxious about everything in general which is I think one of the causes of this addiction in the first place! I feel the day by day process to be impossibly slow and don't see much change.. still craz. y me! But on the other hand the beauty of one day is thats its so much easier than focusing on the pain of not giving in for months! I keep saying One day! its only until I'm able to fall asleep tonight! One think I felt was helpfull was what I am doing new today for my recovery. Writing my feelings down and compiling something on my life and addiction, and setting up new reading material to read.. I place my focus on what I am doing rather than where I will be in the future!

Hey, Shmirashachaim, how are you holding up? I hope that you are doing well, staying with us, and posting!!

Day 4: Each day, these days, seems to take all day , meaning, the days seem to go on forever. until I can log another clean day. I know that the better way would be to just enjoy each and every day. and live it to the fullest. I guess I have a hard time doing that becasue I feel so unsuccessful so much of the time. I just cant seem to hold it together and to be able t get things done the way I should. When I am acting out I have an easy thing to blame. when I am not i just feel like a shlemazel that things are so unorginized, parnassah is slow, i cant seem to be on top of my game. 

Well... there's always Day 5 ... 

shmirashachaim wrote on Unknown:

realsimcha wrote on Unknown:

I am now working on how to deal with a Narcissist father as a husband. I worked very hard on my relationship with him until now and now need new insight as dealing with him with a wife.. spent a long time on phone with brother-in-law about that. One thing about OCD and addicts in general is that they have a need to have situations under control and get fustrated when this can't happen. I am learning that I have to do the best hishtadlus I can to allow the situation between my father and me,my future wife and in-laws to be healtthy and stable and leave the rest to Hashem no matter how many bumps along the raod there might be. 
Simcha, I never thought about it the way you put it... its harder to focus on each and every day when each and every day has life stinking, which is a reason why we act out in the first place: beacuse life stinks! I act out when I cant hold things together and when I cant get things done (often due to my ADD) and get very frustrated and anxious about it. My twisted mind gives me a two fold solution by giving me 1) a new "goal" of seeing how perverted my sexual activities can be and 2) gives me depression which is actually easier to deal with than anxiety and frustration. The depression takes away my resposibilities as much as doing than because I dont' care about them when Im depressed! How twisted my mind can work! Do you feel similar things Simcha? What to you mean by it giving you something easy to blame? 

Hello Chaim, how are you doing?
just remember. ODAAT.
I hope you are better.
If you wish, you can PM me.

shmirashachaim:  wrote:

Hey, I hope that you are still fighting the good fight and hanging in there. Wow, your struggles sound intense. Nut you also sound like a smart and strong person .. so i guess hashem picked a strong soldier for the tough mission.

What I meant was that when I am in a bad place I can waste away hours. Then, stuff doesnt get done, bills dont get paid, work doesnt get done, family is ignored etc etc etc I blame it on this garbage. In a way, its an escape because when I am clean and stuff doesnt get done, then the only one to blame is myself. and that makes m feel lie a failure, and like acting out ... Can you see how its a endless cycle. 

So this is what i try to do (not that i am the expert): 

I tell myself that beng clean is already an accomplishment. And even if nothing gets done and i go to sleep at night with piles of work that i didnt do, i am still not a failure. you know why? because i am clean thats why. and thats enough to make me a success. becasue this yetzer hara of mine was trying all day to knock me done, and i am still standing. 

that doesnt mean that i should try to get stuff done so that i can feel even better about myself and be in a better place all around. but this, to me, is the first step. I am clean this minute. So i am already NOT a failure.

Thanks for listening. boy, ive really been yammering... 
 

I commited to a post a day and its going to be a long day so i want to post something out now...

This morning it feels easy. I hae all of you, and i have 6 days (yay!), and I have the amazing posts that i keep finding here. But my paast tells me that this makes today dangerous. Everyhing just feels so normal... so doable. and our struggle is anything but normal or doable. so i am going into the day on guard for that sneaky YH who is going to try to find some way of luring me in. and i am going into the day with a commitment to fill the day with energy, fun, laughing, love (the good kind ). its all about today right? 

Any chizuk ... means the world.

Hey! I wouldn't call great advise "yammering".. You are basically saying that you feel like a failure because you havn't gotten anything done (because the pressure of actting out) and therfore you act out because you feel like a failure! Thats great how you decided to focus on how you are not a failure eventhough you didn't get any work done because you acheived the biggest success by keeping clean. Thats amazing and thanks for sharing! 
I would say that perhaps could add that without getting clean you will never be able to get your work done because an addict has a very hard time focusing on tasks beacuse he gets side tracked for hours just filling his endless desire for lust and not  being able to work afterwards due to his depression. So its worth it ti have spotty work inorder to be more successful in the long run. So besides the obvious success of staying clean but also the success of enabling success in the future.

As far as me having intense struggles and being a strong soldier.. I definitley believe Hashem gives nisyonos tailored to each of us and I am ready to build myself from those nisyaonos, but I feel I have to make myself strong enough. I still see myself weak because eventhough I seem healthy and have much to say, I am petrifyed for what will happen when lust does take a hold of me because last time I was clean and "healthy" for a while, once lust came I fell like a pin. I am still looking for guidence, help, and support in any way I can! 

"I have to make myself stronger"

My friend - were gonna succeed together beH 

My advice?
Put down the Dumbbells - don't work on strengthening....
Lets focus on our weaknesses and surrender them to Gd. There's more to recovery than that - I'm oversimplifying cos im a simple guy - perhaps ask someone wiser than me for more input

realsimcha wrote on Unknown:

Hope your day is going OK! Yes thats what I have to drill in my mind now: that I have to be on my guard and that the YH can come at all times. I cant do this alone and no matter how healthy I feel I need Hashems help, continuous learning, and conection to others. My chizuk is that you can do this and you can give me chizuk as well because giving others chizuk is the best chizuk for yourself! 
So i'll ask from you or anyone on this forum if I can get chizuk on how to be engaged/married with this sickness. Is there any resourses anyone recommendds? Tips? thanks.