HI,
I've fallen to a new low. I am an addict who has been suffering since early teenage years (I'm 28 now). The first time I thought there was any hope was when I discovered GYE about a year ago. I had a 200 day clean streak. Then I fell 78 days ago. And I went into the biggest tumble yet. I haven't stopped and everything in my life is in a tailspin. I barely go to yeshiva now. My yideshkeit is barely existent though I look very frum. I need help badly. Until now I was basically reading the hand book and keeping my own daily count. But I think I've come to understand what it means admitting Im an addict. It means no more halfway games. It means I should stop thinking Im a pretty good guy generally with one (ok, pretty big) problem. I realize that I'm actually pretty messed up in every way. And that the barest minimum I belong doing is joining an SA group at least on the phone even if that means dropping a seder in yeshiva.
Could use a lot of chizuk cause I'm pretty low now. Can't stand living this two faced life of violating every religious principle there is and hiding my dark and only side from my rather wonderful wife. Don't know where to start over from. I know you will all tell me this is stupid but is there really any hope for me? I dont even know whether to first try working on yideshkeit in general (like not skipping tefillos, yes its that bad), or on addiction first.
Yikes
Though I must say I actually feel slightly liberated just rejoining the crew here.

Jake - we're in this together my friend!

If you're looking for a minyan of guys that skips miyan - I'm part of it

For me personally it has nothing to do with addiction.

Dov - one of our greats, mentioned that as his yiddishkeit went up his lusting was still spiraling down...

You are a very good guy, with a big problem in his hands, and with many of the tools gye offers - you'll have great Trucking success beH!

Jake,

Welcome back; I've only joined recently so I'm not exactly part of the welcoming committee.

I've had similar experiences to you; I spent several years in kollel and one specific zman I was acting out a lot during sense when I was learning myself.

No one could tell you what to work on first unless you decide as well. In my case, I realized that I have to focus on this issue he most because the frumkeit a) won't stop this and b) doesn't really stick when you're doing whatever acting out you're doing. Doesn't mean you throw away your Tefilin; it means that if you're bleeding to death you take care of that first.

Hatzlacha, and we're here for you!

Welcome. Great honesty. For me the motivation to get help and eventually go to SA was because I couldn't stand being a two faced liar anymore. When I joined SA I first had a big struggle with religion but then I recommitted to yiddishkeit. I am now working on it, (with ups and downs), because I believe it is necessary at this point and that I'm ready. Yiddishkeit is not the problem. I am the problem. I can not work on yiddishkeit until I work on me, and I need to keep working on me if I want to remain genuine. I highly doubt that you are being the true you with all your good qualities. I would say don't fret and try to get your life in order first. For me it was a big reality hit when I was honest with myself about my yiddishkeit. It was very superficial with little meaning. I am trying to develop a true, wholesome, yiddishkeit.

Hatzlacha.

Welcome,

Your road to recovery should be blessed with hatzlachah.

I can not work on yiddishkeit until I work on me, and I need to keep working on me if I want to remain genuine. I highly doubt that you are being the true you with all your good qualities. I would say don't fret and try to get your life in order first.
Please tell me how you work on being genuine. I am really lost at the basic level.

jake08 wrote:


So, begin by workin' on yourself.
What area bothers you the most?
What part of you would you like to fix or have fixed?
Identify that and formulate a plan.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome back! The most important thing you can do is to make a firm committment to recovery, whatever it takes. If it will help your recovery, do it. Don't be afraid. Skipping seder may be a yerida l'tzorech aliyah. NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

gibbor120 wrote on 28 Jan 2016 15:13:
I want to echo Gibbor120 - All it takes is be a Gibbor for 120 minutes

Keep On Trucking!

Jack - Don't be so lost, yes, YOU can and will B'ezh make it out of the trap.

Thank you Jake for your honesty. I used to learn all day long in yeshiva.... except during my masturbation breaks. I got worse and worse until I was masturbating all day except during my learning breaks.


Stick around. Post some, read more.

I joined SA about 2 years ago and b"H every aspect of my life has improved. That's not to say you need to go to SA, it's not for everybody. You need to make up your own mind. I'm attaching an SA pamphlet for you. If it's of interest to you, you can find a meeting at www.sa.org/top/?f2f=1. I'd also be happy to talk with you over the phone, message me if you want.

jake08 wrote on 28 Jan 2016 04:39:

I began, (I am still a baby in terms of maturity), by cutting out the crap. Meaning not doing the things, (that I had control over), that didn't represent who I was. The first major thing was davening actually. But I learnt about tefillah with my rov and I spoke with him also, which resulted in tefillah being a part of my life now, albeit far from perfect. Hope this helps.

Shlomo,

Can you share a little what you learned about tefila? If this is the wrong place for it, you can do it on my thread.

What I learnt is that rebbeim know a helluva lot more about Yiddishkeit then I do

Ok so starting over! Will iyh start over daily handbook readings and doings and hope to join a phone conference. Thanks all !
(Must say just having rejoined started me going already