I had a fall

After 396 days of sobriety I had a fall.

In short, I by chance found out the code in a device that we have in the house and I used the device anyway. I then went on to view on purpose and long enough that it is a fall without any question. I definitely have had my feathers ruffled and I am saddened, humiliated and embarrassed. I have let myself down,not to mention, many on this forum and most importantly Hashem.
The first question that is always asked for future recovery is: Can you identify what really went wrong and therefore can there be a way hopefully B'ezras hashem to prevent this from happening again.
To this I would answer a resounding yes.
I have been too lax on my gedarim. I have had too many slips. I knew this and did not take the proper precautions.
Over the course of the last year a few of you were kind enough to praise me either publicly or through a PM. I am so very sorry to have disappointed you. Clearly there are many a man on this very forum better than myself that you can model yourself after.
Is there any silver lining here at all?? Well, once I fell I did not totally lose myself and go on to do all the acting out actions I did before I had my 396 days. I guess that is at least something or perhaps just scraping the barrel.

However- I am very motivated to get right back on the right path, with stricter gedarim of course.

My holy brothers, at this point I ask of you to share with me your thoughts, support and blessings for future success.

I need them.

Thank you for sharing.
It takes a lot.
You are a source of inspiration.
I would however beg to differ slightly on the first question that is asked. And I said slightly. Perhaps focus purely on the present and how it relates to the future. What can I do right now? How can I connect to God in a real way? Eventually, if one wants, he can analyze the past. Just writing what works for me. Everyone is different.

Kot.

B'hatzlachah

My friend, you fell, but have not disappointed us at all

KOT

I'm new here and therefore not familiar with your whole journey. But I will say that I'm impressed by the courage you have to admit and be open about your fall as well as not let it destroy you.
This very topic was just recently discussed in a dvar torah for parashas Va'yeshev. In case you missed it see here: guardyoureyes.com/articles/torah/item/going-against-human-nature?category_id=350
Additionally, the mere fact you made it clean for over a year is an inspiration to me. Right now I'm nervous about starting a 90 day run, but I see it can be done.
I wish you much Hatzlacha with your continued battle with the Yetzer Ha'ra!

cordnoy - good sound advice I am right on it. - but the "source of inspiration- point - I think you are overly generous, but thanks anyway.

markz - Thanks for the chizuk

BTB'H - great D'var Torah - extremely motivating/exciting lesson for life.

Where else but the here can we get the chizuk that is needed both during the peeks and the valleys of the journey!

Sorry to hear about the fall. Let me assure you that you have not disappointed anybody.A fall is just that, a fall. It doesnt say anything about who you are or how much you are valued. In the eyes of Hashem you are a loved and cherished child. Kol hakvod for all the clean days. and kol hakavod that even when you fall you do it way above from where you were once. So overall the line in the graph is going upwards.As you said you are picking up the pieces . We appreciate your honesty and we are mechazek you to continue the good work a day at a time. Just keep on mega trucking !

What are you "ashamed" of? You were clean for 396 days. For some of us that sounds like monopoly money. You are a tzadik. Most people in this world fall occasionally.

If I may also suggest perahps the title can be changed to Guilty... but picking up the pieces?

Guilt and ashamed and /or humiliated are very different. Ashamed and humiliation have no place.

guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/the-30-principles/21-principles-for-the-struggle/item/principle-18?category_id=279

waydown wrote:


Superb- a wise and helpful article

yiraishamaim wrote:


Advice well received note the change of title.

I'm sorry to hear about your fall, but you must be doing soemthing right to have stayed sober for so long. Get back to the things that got you sober in the first place. I'm sure we'll hear good things from you.

Thank you gibbor120

I am feeling the same way. I have learned so much from the forum and it has helped me big time. I know what I have to improve on and I hope my record will be similar to yours.

About a year clean, a fall, then B"H years of sobriety.

Thank you for being such a fine example to emulate, and thanks for the support.

Thanks

cordnoy wrote:


I have often thought that after something dramatic happens in a persons life his relationship with Hashem becomes slightly different. Not necessarily worse or better but a little different.
Connecting to G-d in a real way as cordnoy says is so vital especially now. But it might be somewhat different than before. I think that is what cordnoy is telling me. I need to ask myself how can I connect to G-d now, in my present situation.
I am actually excited by the opportunity. BenBaalhabayis's suggestion that I read that dvar Torah really got be thinking and motivated.

Hey you know, this isn't a blog it's a chabura

wow wow wow. well i guess you have a choice now, you can get back up or fall back down. i think i know which one you will pick

yiraishamaim wrote:


I feel bad that i am such a simpleton, but the connection I speak of is a simple one: God, it's me, and i'm here to do Your will - for this moment and the one followin'.
If I have a moment of struggle, I should say: God, it's me again; I'm in a bit of a pickle and, like usual, I cannot unscrew the cap on the jar myself.....the cap and the jar is hereby Yours, and i thank You for that.

And one final note, gratitude is understated on this forum; it does not get the attention it deserves. We have a lot to complain about; there is sadness, worry, concerns, sufferin', fear and much more engulgin' us. Sometimes, it gets us down. Let's take a minute to stop and remind ourselves of all we must be thankful for as well. Will the two sides equal? Don't know; don't care.....but let Him take care of your struggles and give Him thanks for that and for whatever else is positive in your life.

b'hatzlachah