Wow
My twin!

Amazing

But how?
How are you clean for so long?

Hi, I just joined GYE today with the blessings of my therapist (as I am seeking help for my addiction of calling chat lines). The reason im writing in is to share my thoughts a bit and see if anyone felt the same way... In my situation it was actually my wife who discovered my addiction that i had for abt 7 yrs (3 b4 marriage and 4 once i was married). My first reaction was a feeling of relief, it was weighing down on me so strongly all these years that even with the seriousness of the situation (facing the uphill battle that i am, and my marriage being on really shaky ground) it was still bittersweet.
Im sure many out there can attest to the guilt that enveloped us any time we were machshil in a nisayon. to have the oppurtunity to, bezras hashem, break out of it completely was the cause for my positivity.
That being said, the more im reading up and researching the psychology of addiction ive learnt that its a long road ahead and regrets alone won't solve the issue. so there may be feelings of relief and strong motivation originally but we have to keep up a support system to keep us in line.

fresh start wrote on 10 Aug 2015 21:41:

My Twin

If you've met one gye, you've met one gye

Each is different and each can be receiving different Therapist styles, and different lust challenges

BUT

We both joined gye on the same date and of course this is a ODAAT program, however if Gd allows and we strike a year of sobriety together, it's gonna require a Grand virtual party woodford, bourbon, music and all - during the 9 days, so hopefully what we're doing is bringing the redemption closer ODAAT

That is truly amazing! Can you share what you did? 

It's been almost a year! Wow!! The support i got then was a tremendous source of inspiration for me.
Just looking back, it's almost comical how little i knew of what was coming my way, and how little i understood about myself and mitzad my wife.
B"h I've come a long long way in a year. bchasdei hashem i have had no incidents of Z"L, chat lines, or any other form of acting out! Shmiras einayim is still a challenge and something that i have to stay diligent on at all times. The thing that I've learnt though is that it's quite difficult to avoid seeing things out there and the main thing is how you react to it. It can't become a developed thought and you have to respond with a good day the next day. It's just such a slippery slope and the tactics of the yetzer hara can be so subtle.
One of the outcomes of many years of acting out is that I became a low energy, low functioning human being with no passion or excitement about anything (other than inappropriateness and sports). There is a vacuum of many years in there that I just sat and rotted my brain and personality traits. My motivation suffered, i had no sheifos (ruchniyos and gashmiyos), and bad work ethic-learning ethic. B"h I have managed to rekindle (better yet "kindle") my excitement for my wife and kids. Giving them more attention, being excited to be around them, just more engaging overall. Also, as a friend and family member I have been able to reassert myself into society.
However as a person in terms of accomplishing, or taking on projects in learning or anything i still shy away from and have difficulty when i am thrust into things.
That being said I am at a crossroads in my career, to stay in kollel seems to be detrimental as I don't feel like I'm accomplishing. So job searching or schooling is scary for me bcz I've never challenged myself in any way that will come close to what I'm heading into.
Anyways, b"h I've come a long way but as seems the case, every step in recovery and restoring order to my life is a challenge unto itself.
B'Hatzlacha

fresh start wrote on 17 Jul 2016 19:07:

Beautiful to hear!

May you have many more such years of personal growth and sobriety!

Workingguy wrote on 17 Jul 2016 22:18:

Hi! Trying to think back to a year ago, we set up a bunch of barriers that would make it harder for me to continue with my old lifestyle. I can give examples of things that made it harder to fall.
These things worked for me because of my situation, you can think of your own barriers that could help make you think twice before acting/preventing you from easy access. Basically harchakos.

These things helped me break out of it in the beginning and now that i took down the barriers, i learned to be responsible even without the extra shmeira.


My issue was with chat lines via phone
So I stopped taking my phone with me when I left the house alone. 
It was annoying! and sometime embarrassing! but I kept to it

I started learning mesilas yesharim every night and repeated the lesson of the day to my wife. I also wrote down the lesson to really engrane it in me. (This lasted about 2 months)

I kept an in depth cheshbon hanefesh, each day I would write my hardships and what I can work on.. and my successes

I kept a chart of my schedule (and I still do) it includes shmiras einayim, shmeiras hasdarim, tefila etc. Some things I give a check or ex, and some I rate myself a 1-10 score. Sometimes I get lazy but I try to do this every day.

I avoided having a car alone so that I didnt have the easy option of ditching responsibilities/learning to sit in my car and act out.

At weaker times, when I wanted to ensure that I wouldnt fall, I set up a daily accountability with a Rav. 

These are all eitzos but the bottom line for me was keeping myself motivated and keeping Hashem in my life.

This was only half the challenge... making a healthy relationship with my wife is a whole different story... dealing with my guilt, her anger, lack of trust, sadness, triggers, and how to deal with it.... 
Gosh, none of this stuff is easy
But so worth it!

 

I'm working on reworking my program because I had a bump in the road and I think I need to up my game a little. Id love to hear more about your therapy; I'm in therapy too but I think I need a different perspective by now. Would you talk by phone?

Thanks Mark!
I am not too hopeful about how it will be taken. However, I will check it out tomorrow iy"h. Maybe we can sneak it in under the captain's nose.