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the bathroom - my shul
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TOPIC: the bathroom - my shul 6244 Views

the bathroom - my shul 25 Dec 2014 00:48 #245695

  • ted
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When i was in yeshivah there were only 2 places i could have privacy a. in my own head b. In the bathroom. I didnt like the fact that i couldn't have any privacy.
my room was shared and people constantly coming in and out and even my bed became other peoples couch to sit on and schmooze.

the bathroom was my space.
i could be by myself with noone else.
As an addict i craved my own space to do what i wanted to do . And so while i was in yeshivah the bathroom was my paradise.

As time went on and my addiction became stronger the bathroom became my self imposed prison of solitary confinement. Evety time i stepped foot into a bathroom especially aftet i got a smart phone i was completely overtaken by my addiction and would land up acting out.

But since i signed up for recovery joined gye and the phone conference the bathroom has become my shul. That is where i pray. I am powerless. every time i walk into a bathroom and lock the door behind me the great great desire kicks in to pull out my phone, zone out medicate my pain and shoot some p*rn into my system.

That is when i pray my pants are down im not wearing a tallis. But that is where i really pray.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 25 Dec 2014 02:51 #245707

  • ineedchizuk
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Wow

Re: the bathroom - my shul 25 Dec 2014 04:07 #245721

  • cordnoy
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ted wrote:
When i was in yeshivah there were only 2 places i could have privacy a. in my own head b. In the bathroom. I didnt like the fact that i couldn't have any privacy.
my room was shared and people constantly coming in and out and even my bed became other peoples couch to sit on and schmooze.

the bathroom was my space.
i could be by myself with noone else.
As an addict i craved my own space to do what i wanted to do . And so while i was in yeshivah the bathroom was my paradise.

As time went on and my addiction became stronger the bathroom became my self imposed prison of solitary confinement. Evety time i stepped foot into a bathroom especially aftet i got a smart phone i was completely overtaken by my addiction and would land up acting out.

But since i signed up for recovery joined gye and the phone conference the bathroom has become my shul. That is where i pray. I am powerless. every time i walk into a bathroom and lock the door behind me the great great desire kicks in to pull out my phone, zone out medicate my pain and shoot some p*rn into my system.

That is when i pray my pants are down im not wearing a tallis. But that is where i really pray.


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Re: the bathroom - my shul 25 Dec 2014 04:31 #245731

Powerful post! Thanks for sharing.

One thought, (based on something that has worked for me in a slightly different arena, so I figure I'll share in case it could be of help. If not, just ignore it...) if the phone presents a temptation when you are in the bathroom, maybe consider just not bringing it with you when you go to the bathroom? I know it's not always possible, but I imagine it is in certain situations and may mean less of a struggle.

I have issues sleeping and one of the things I've found is that life is a little bit easier if my phone is not in my bedroom at night.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 25 Dec 2014 20:25 #245755

  • serenity
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I'm not sure why but this thread brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this dose of reality.
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
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Don't slip it hurts
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--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 26 Dec 2014 02:45 #245786

  • Gimpel123456789
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Wow that is an amazing post i feel like im in the same situation as you were with the bathroom just at home not in yeshiva.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 26 Dec 2014 05:56 #245804

  • ted
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Thanks for the input.

its definitely a good idea not to take the phone into the bathroom, but the evntual goal of being in recovery is to be able to stay sober even with the phone. because every addict knows that as many filters as we put on we always found a way to find what we wanted.

I am no longer in yeshivah so this is definitely true for me at home too.

Chevrah/my brothers: we are all in this together. We all have similar issues and have come here to help each other. With the help of hashem we will overcome this.
chazak vematz.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 26 Dec 2014 08:25 #245814

ted wrote:
Thanks for the input.

its definitely a good idea not to take the phone into the bathroom, but the evntual goal of being in recovery is to be able to stay sober even with the phone. because every addict knows that as many filters as we put on we always found a way to find what we wanted.

I am no longer in yeshivah so this is definitely true for me at home too.

Chevrah/my brothers: we are all in this together. We all have similar issues and have come here to help each other. With the help of hashem we will overcome this.
chazak vematz.


We are definitely all in this together, and I think that knowing that is one of the most powerful things about this place.

I've been thinking about your post and thinking while typing... (so feel free to completely disagree )

I've been thinking about how you describe the goal and I am trying to figure out if I agree or not. The way I see it now I kind of agree and kind of disagree. On one hand we can hope to reach a point where we have literally moved past such temptations, but I do think that a big part of Judaism is in avoiding any battles that don't need to be fought. I think that is the idea of "Va'asu Siyug LaTorah," that we should keep ourselves from getting to close to temptation.

There's an idea that I've read about that I've been trying to understand how it integrates into Jewish thought. I've seen in books on psychology and neurology (popular science type books) that will-power functions like a muscle. It can be exercised and strengthened, but when overused, gets worn down and tired. (Studies have shown that after people are involved in any activity that involves active focus and effort; which involves focus and will power, there success in other areas of self-control in a span of time following is weakened.)

It seems to me like this would tie into the idea of Va'asu Siyug LaTorah. Hashem does not want us to be fighting all the time. When we can, avoid the whole situation, and save the energy for when the encounter cannot be helped.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 26 Dec 2014 08:35 #245818

  • ted
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I agree with you that we should have filters and make a syog. But itdepends who we are talking about. If its someone who has a tough time witj shmiras anayim and looking at porn for him is just a tayvah then he puts up a syog dient look at the schmutz and everything is fine.

BUT if we are dealing with an addict its a whole different story. The p*rn is not his problem its his solution to layers and layers of emotional turmoil etc.. i will elaborate if you would like.
but yes i agree everyone should make a syog.

But gor those of us thst tried making syogs 100 times and somehow we kept falling. There is obbiously more to the problem.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 26 Dec 2014 08:59 #245819

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A regular person has no problem bringing a cell phone into a toilet. When I'm in the throws of my addiction, I'm going to act-out with or without my cell phone. So at such times, it may make sense that I shouldn't even have a cell phone. Someone shared recently that they lost their abstinence using their cell phone. I say abstinence because he didn't have sobriety. He had a dumb cell phone with limited internet access and a filter. He got into stinkin thinkin and circumvented his filter and tasted some lust on his lousy phone. This lead him to 2 days of acting out. There is no fence that will help such a person. I am such a person and no fence will help me. I would need to be locked in a glass room with my mother looking in for the rest of my life to abstain without true recovery. I'm not saying to any addict that they should bring a cell phone into the toilet or to even have a cell phone at all, that's up to them to figure out with their sponsor.
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 26 Dec 2014 09:28 #245820

  • ted
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Serenity i totally relate. As an addict we will find what we're looking for no matter what. Our only solution is to really join a recovery program.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 26 Dec 2014 09:34 #245822

  • ted
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A small dvar torah i thought of while saying hallel on chanukah.

the posuk says, "zeh hayom osoh hashem nogillah vnismcha bo"

in recovery they say one day at a time.

Every day that i am sober is only with the help of hashem on my own i am powerless. So its the day that hashem made - zeh hayom osoh hashem.

And nogiloh vnismcha bo.
Be happy about today "one day at a time "
Today im sober, focus on being positive and dont worry about tommorow.

Re: the bathroom - my shul 20 Dec 2015 20:52 #271892

  • Markz
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I relate to this one, so.....
bump
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Re: the bathroom - my shul 21 Dec 2015 04:49 #271920

  • m58yiw84niym
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markz - Thank you for the bump!

ted - This is an amazing post. Thank you for your eloquent words! I've been on this forum for about 4 months, and while I share the "Thank You" button freely, I'm moreguarded with my +1 Karma's. Your post is I think the 3rd or 4th one to get my +1 (not that these fake internet points actually count for anything, but still ).

Re: the bathroom - my shul 22 Dec 2015 19:53 #272084

  • abe2710
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I have always been a little unclear about this subject. of how to balance out avoiding triggers and putting filters on devices ect with being a healthy person who realises that porn is bad and would not watch it even given the chance.
If the only reason why someone does not act out is cos they avoid triggers and have filters then they cant really say that they are cured. on the other and we see from chazal the idea of gedarim/fences (i.e. yichud) to keep ourselves away from these things. i have been unclear for a while about how these two ideas work with each other.
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