#whateverworks4u

no better way to express myself.

Shlomo24


If we were to contemplate for just a moment how much Hashem does for us on a minute-by-minute basis, regardless of whether we do what He wants of us or not, we'd see pretty quickly and clearly, that mostly it is Hashem giving unconditionally, and us demanding.

i appreciate the measure. yes i know that. i just view mitzvos and aveiros as getting on god's "good side" or "bad side". i am messed up and right now i need a god that has patience with me and isn't demanding at all. it brings up a lot of resentment to think about hashem right now. i am sticking with my higher power for now. maybe when i get more sober (one day at a time) then i will think about these things. i am just not in a healthy enough mindset right now. i know in my heart what is right but it's too early to venture down those roads now. i will be at a higher risk of acting out.

I just want to express a gratitude to GYE. I am (physically) sick today and i am really not feeling well. Chances are that I would just be miserable doing nothing the whole day and driving my mother crazy (may she live till 120 iy"h). however thanx to gye i have something productive to do. thank you GYE!

I recently have been having problems with yiddishkeit. (documented above) Going into y"k i didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if I would show up at all and I didn't have any expectations at all.

It turned out to be way better then expected. I went to a more chassidish minyan, I have started going there for kabbolas shabbos and I really enjoy it. It's really my style, singing, dancing and chassidus. Yom kippur was no different, yes we sang and danced, and the pre-neilah speech was all about being b'simcha and b'ahava with hashem. I actually enjoyed yom kippur immensely.

During davening I was trying to focus on the words and I kept on seeing how there are so many tefilos about hashem's love for us. Over and over the theme is repeated! The tefilos combined with the speech from the rav really made an impact on me. When we said "Hashem hu hu'elokim" I thought in my mind, "God - we are in this together now. You are now my higher power, I realize how you much love me and I want to go on the journey of life together. We do have to clear up somethings, but we will work it out together." I felt like a true yid for the first time in my life. It was really great.

At the same time, I believe that for me real yiddishkeit lies within chassidus, I have posted about this before. The litvish mehalech did not work for me and I have no pressing desire to try to make it work. I already have something that I feel comfortable and real about. I really connect with the seforim, shiurim I listen to and the general mehalech hachaim. I am more comfortable with the litvish learning style, and I don't think that will change (nor do I want it to), but that's pretty much where it ends.

I will be out of town for succos, with probably no access to GYE. Have a good y"t everybody and a Gut Yor.

That is beautiful, thank you for sharing.

Hey y'all! Being oot for bein hazmanim was really nice b"h. I attended one SA meeting there, the meetings were real early and it was hard to get up that early. I was supposed to go to 2 meetings but i mixed up the times and would have been really late so i walked back "home".

Anyways, god kept me sober over bein hazmanim. Really grateful for that, it's the first b"h that i have been sober the whole time. incidentally elul was also the first zman i ever stayed sober the whole time. i acted out right before yeshiva started but i was sober the whole time we had yeshiva b"h. additionally, this coming zman (tomorrow) will be the first zman that i had no chavrusa tumulting to do, i believe this is an example of how sobriety has changed my LIFE.

also i am excited b/c my sponsor said we are going to start working the first step together. i was like "thank god, i have been waiting for you to tell me that"

i have also come to the realization that i am not yeshivish. when i tried to be yeshivish life was so stressful. but i realized i don't really care about black hats, if a movie is appropriate i will watch it, i will talk to girls if it's not inappropriate, even if they are my age. i do wear a black hat however, because i do associate myself with a black hat crowd, even if i don't believe that i am yeshivish. this is a big realization for me, i am finally discovering who i am i think. before program this never would have happened.

i also didn't learn much over bein hazmanim and honestly i am not upset at myself. i need to become a person before i become "shtark" or wtvr. when i learnt over bein hazmanim, in 1st year, it was very much because my rebbi would see me learning as he lives around the corner from me. i would definitely like to get to the point where i learn every day, but it has to be for myself, not for others. history has shown that i can't live for others. "fake it till you make it" doesn't work for me. iy"h i will get there, but ODAAT. it is not my primary focus now to say the least. also, with this realization i signed up for chai lifeline in the summer, my bro did it and i always wanted to do it also, but i was too yeshivish for it. now i feel so much more free to be myself and hopefully i will get it and have a great experience.

that's all for now folks

Shlomo24 wrote:


Sounds like good stuff.

cordnoy wrote:


classic cordy to quote the entire post instead of just writing "sounds like good stuff"

Shlomo24 wrote:


This is true.
At first I wanted to hit the thank you button, but I wasn't so keen on all the yeshivishe business, so i just commented on your attitude and strength and efforts.

And of course, we quoted this one as well....in its entirety.

I do that more from phone.

Well thank you sir cord What was ur lack of keenness (is that a word?) about? I am open for suggestion and more specifically, experience, strength and hope.

Shlomo24 wrote:


Nothin' major....I try to stick with the stuff of recovery...are we right wing, chassidesh, misnagdish, bresliv or whatever....I shy away.

cordnoy wrote:

Or African American Slonim FFBs

Shlomo24 wrote:


Guys give him a round of aplauuuuuuuuusssssse!!!

Many many lusters are able to keep away from porn in yeshiva, but when push comes to shove like bein hazmanim they're gone with the wind. The true character of a yeshiva bachur is NOT when they are in yeshiva. It's when they're in the land of freedom (of religion, expression, and more).

Shlomo you're a chashuva bachur!!
Keep on shteigin'!! You're an inspiration to all of us