I also want to give gratitude to my Higher Power that I'm much more self aware. The fact that a short interval of self-will is enough for me to make changes is a big gift. I would have not realized the slippery slope in the past.

Shlomo, thanks for always being a massive source of inspiration. Keep going strong.

Over the past while I have been having some very beautiful and interesting experiences. I want to relay some of them. As most of the regular posters on this forum know; I am sexually attracted to men. All of my acting out experiences with other people were with men. It used to define me but it currently does not. However, through talking with another member of SA (my sponsor actually set us up) I have learned to appreciate the gift of homosexual attractions. I used to think that it was the biggest curse. I even told a former therapist that besides death of a loved one or a serious debilitating physical illness, "being gay" was the worst thing that could happen to a person. I don't have that view anymore. Because of what my Higher Power gave me, I am able to relate to certain people in a very unique way. The guy that I was speaking with was seeking me out for my experience, strength, and hope. He even asked me to be my sponsor. (I said no because I'm not ready. It was very hard to say that). I was able to relate to and validate him because I was in a very similar situation to him. I'm grateful that today I have closure about my sexuality, but it was definitely a process. I can see how my Higher Power was guiding me the whole way. I'm so grateful for those experiences, even though some were very painful. There's nothing I need to be ashamed of about my sexuality. I certainly didn't choose it. I'm not "less than" because I'm attracted to men as opposed to women.

Brutal honesty once again.....precious.

Something I'm learning: Validation is wonderful. Both giving and receiving.

5 months of SA sobriety today! And if my Higher Power keeps me sober tomorrow it will be 4 months of AA sobriety! Woot!

Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Apr 2017 12:44:

Hell of a long day

I went on the Cordnoy call today. I enjoyed it. I won't always have the opportunity to go on it but I think it's a great resource.

We all appreciated your share thanks

Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Apr 2017 14:56:

i thought he stopped that but i guess i was wrong
same time?

I wouldn't know if it's the same time. It was my first call.

Mazel tov Shlomo  Keep up the great work!

I think it's very important for me to share when I am struggling. I also think it's something that is very helpful for GYE in general. So here goes:

I have been in a very weird place since Saturday Night. A lot of sexual dreams and lusting and fantasizing. I am not at home for Pesach and it can be very intriguing for me to be in different areas. My disease wants to "check out what's available" and cruise around. I felt it very strongly. But I was serene about it because my Higher Power keeps me sober and just because I am feeling one way doesn't mean it's going to happen. So I was calm. But then I found myself posing sexually in front of my mirror, to see what would be a good profile picture for an acting out service. I got scared. Very scared. It was the most triggered I have been in months, probably since my last relapse about 5 months ago. Ultimately my Higher Power did keep me sober, and I am grateful for that. But I had incredibly sexual dreams last night and I was even thinking about resetting my sobriety date. I have decided that I don't need to because I was half-asleep when I was thinking about the situations which caused me to ejaculate. I even went to an SA meeting in the morning and I still didn't feel better. But I kept on taking action, whether it be calling or sharing or being of service to others. Still my Higher Power decided that I was to be triggered. Which is totally ok. But it feels really crappy. 

I started to do stepwork and that helped me a lot. If my disease is a spiritual sickness then my stepwork is my spiritual surgery. Meetings are great. But for me, and my sponsor, stepwork is where it's at. But you know what? I'm still feeling vulnerable and a little nervous. But I feel much more serene. I texted my friend, "You know you're a sexaholic when you have a date set up with a girl but you still want to ask out the guy behind the counter." It was said in jest, but it was true. I can't control my disease, but I can put in work. My Higher Power is in charge of the results, but I am in charge of the efforts. "Without me he won't." These past couple of days highlight my powerlessness, which I am grateful for. The same disease that tells me I shouldn't be triggered after 10 months of quality sobriety (overall, with a few slips and falls) is also the one that makes me lust. In fact, thinking that I'm "too big to fall" is my first drink. I'm most powerless when I try to take my power back. One of my many paradoxes.

Wishing everyone a Chag Koshur V'Samayach.

I've learnt something from my trip so far. I have been heavily triggered by the area that I am staying in and my mind has been going to some unhealthy places about it. But I am sober. I've learnt that just because I have crazy thoughts doesn't mean that they are going to happen. My HP is so much stronger than a simple thought, compulsion, or recall. I have been able to be serene even while triggered. When I get a trigger I reach out to my Higher Power and let him do what he wants. If he decides to keep me sober or if he decides not to keep me sober is up to him. All I got to do is connect with him though. And then I continue with my business. I haven't been getting bogged down because of thoughts. They're just thoughts! Who cares! I used to think that I was God. If I desired something than it would happen. It's actual a psychological feature known as thought-action fusion. I used to think that thoughts automatically caused actions to happen and now I do not believe that. I feel like I've reached a milestone with this and I'm very grateful for it.

GYE makes me laugh.