Yup, I'm proud of myself too.

Shlomo24 wrote:

I second that Shlomo24

and why do people say healthy outlet..
it doesn't change argh!
 

Crabapple18 wrote on 22 Apr 2016 17:44:

Well, to be fair, a marrage Can be a healthy outlet. That certainly is the ideal. Accomplishing that is another story. Possible, but far from automatic.

SG,

That may be one of the most concise yet profound lines ever (at least for me)- accomplishing that is another story. How true!

!שלום, (that's Hebrew by the way). I am in Israel for pesach. Very happy to be here, I am enjoying. I was davening by the kosel and I thought to myself "I don't want to leave!" That might sound familiar for those who have read my thread from the beginning. I shortly went into obsession afterwards, planning out my life in Israel. It's not going to happen right now. I will be going back to America. I need to learn to be able to enjoy my experiences while they occur, and not try to take it too far. I do feel that I have an emotional and spiritual connection with Israel, specifically Yerushalayim, but I think that America is the best place for me to live. I was actually crying when I put on tefillin the other day, it was so surreal to be in Israel. It's validating to feel my emotions, something that was not very prevalent when I acted out.

Today I wasn't feeling well and I was in bed the whole day. My parents weren't in the apartment that I was staying in, and I was alone. I always doubt myself when I am not feeling well. I shame myself and say that really I feel fine and I'm just faking it. It's hard for me to accept myself. Regardless, when I am sick it's like HALT on steroids, I was lusting a lot. I had a lot of wet dreams throughout the day and a lot of lust was going through my mind. At some points I was so disoriented that I couldn't even surrender audibly and I just thought it in my mind really hard. I guess that was enough effort because it worked. After I finally got out of bed, at 7:30 pm, I ate a little bit and my sickness was confirmed. I have a stomach virus. For your sake I won't go into details. Needless to say, I'm pooped. (C'mon I was asking for it).

Peace Out.

Shlomo24 wrote on 24 Apr 2016 20:51:

This was amazing to read. I have exactly the same thing. Every time I am not feeling well I have this guilty insecure feeling that I am really faking it and that if i "really wanted to" I would be able to get out of bed. Over time, I think I figured out where it comes from and I wonder if the same would go for you. I think that inasmuch as I am not faking, I am getting something from it. When I am not feeling well, in a way, its also an escape [not as much "fun" as acting out...but then again neither way makes us feel really happy] . So even though I didnt cause this, it still makes me feel guilty because it is providing me with cover to not engage with people, not do my responsibilities, and - when its a weekday - to watch as much tv as I want. 
In an case, enjoy the holy land. Come back to America and bring some of that ruach back with you.

.

ehrliche.bochur wrote on 25 Apr 2016 07:01:

Ehrliche, i'm glad to hear that things have gotten eaiser for you. With myself, although i definitly had more opportunities to engage with other guys before I was married, the cravings only got stronger afterwards. Continued Hatzlacha Sg

By the way, what did you mean by "I do not think it matters what SSA thoughts is in my head if only I use them for my healthy outlet."

.

Glad to hear you are having an inspiring time in the Holy Land, hope it gives you much chizuk and spark for the months ahead. 

ehrliche.bochur wrote on 25 Apr 2016 21:41:

Really it does matter. What you are thinking when you are with your wife DOES make a difference, and you should try your hardest to have only Kosher thoughts at that time. 

It might be hard at first but I believe you will find it easier each time. 

It is important for the נשמות of your children 

.

you wrote - I never acted out
so your a tzadik

I personally am not inputting in this discussion, but we are setting the bar pretty low to be a tzadik. Mark might remember this from last year.

Shlomo24 wrote on 26 Apr 2016 22:01:

Shlomo, just to get the facts straight
I wasn't here a year ago
Im definitely not a tzadik
So please don't mention my holy anon-name in vain